What a shit show this fucking game was. I don’t really even know where to begin. The beinning of this game was so great. Dallas jumped out to an early 21-7 lead. Dak was looking sharp and slinging that thang like Pusha D. Serving up those hungry Jags would’ve been a great way to spend my Sunday afternoon.
Then: disaster.
I don’t really know what happened to our defense over the last month or so. We shit-kicked the Vikings so hard and were on top of the moon. The boring answer could be atrributed to injuries. Notorious fatass Jonathan Hankings tore his fat peck and will be out until the playoffs. Jourdan Lewis leg cracked like two months ago. The Tackling Dutchman Leighton Vander Esch left the game early with neck issues (no surprise there), and perhaps worst of all is Anthony fucking Brown. Unfortunatley never once in my life has a Dallas defense been reliable for an entire season/post-season, so I’m willing to bet this is just the annual time for God to grab his biblical strap-on and go to work on WeDemBoyz. Just in time for the holidays this year!
Now if this IS injuries, then I blame our secondary secondary (thats the second unit of the secondary). Look I don’t hate AB as much as the rest of #CowboysNation… but I certaintly don’t love him. HOWEVER, at this point, I’d be willing to trade any part of my body (except penis of course) for his in order to get him back on the field. At some point during this game, Trevor Lawrence discovered the revolving door of touchdowns that is Bossman Trash.
I have been waiting on Kelvin Joseph to prove himself worthy of the second round pick we used on him for awhile now. His stock fell due to off-the-field issues, and as we all know convicts thrive in either prison or on the football field. Luckily for Joseph, Jerry Jones loves questionable character more than his own family and took a nice big dirty old man swing. Unfortunatley for me it does not seem like he’s going to hit the green.
If Dallas can’t figure out some of these defensive issues we could be in for yet another short playoff run. Sad. I’m now in my 20th year of watching super bowl expectations blow up in my face. Dallas is always so much better when no one expects them to be good. Twitter was quite upset at the team this weekend so it would not shock me one bit if we beat the piss out of the dirty birds this weekend, but as long as we head to Tampa to face children-kisser Tom Brady, we’re fucked.
I also want to stick my middle finger as high as possible at everyone who blamed this game on Dak Prescott. He played pretty much a flawless first half, had a go-ahead drive in the final minutes, and scored 34 points which should be more than enough to beat the fucking Jaguars. If Noah Brown didn’t activate his cinder block hands Madden ability, Dak leads us down the field for the second underwhelming victory in a row. There’s no denying the first pick he threw was gross, but one play doesn’t negate all the positives.
Unfortunately it seems Dak is basically guaranteed for one truly disgusting pick each game this season, but other than that he’s still been a top 10 QB in my eyes. I think the picks are also worse because of the dumbass look he has on his face after each one. If he didn’t let his mouth hang open like everyone’s favorite motherly-figure Brandi Love after every pick… it wouldn’t be as bad. Very similar to how Mike McCarthy gets much fatter every time they cut to him after Dallas makes a mistake. Layers and chins just appearing out of nowwhere.
I will of course, continue to pour all my self-worth into this team and beleive whole-heartedly that I will see Mike McCarthy holding that silver Lombardi trophy at the end of the season. We can only hope he doesn’t eat it before handing it off to still-spry Jerry. See you next week for what I hope will be a celebration of the extinction of America’s national bird.
The Armchair Experts 
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