Cowboys vs. Eagles Game Review

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

God damn, there is nothing I love better than watching those stupid fucking Eagles cry cry cry. Hotshot “genius” coach Dick Siracha has had my blood boiling all season with his remarkably cunt-like demeanor. Has there ever been a coach with a more punchable face? Mike McCarthy can make a case every time we make a mistake and he grows by 10 pounds, but it still can’t touch Siracha.

This game started about as awful as you could imagine. In the spirit of the holidays, Dak gave his weekly gift of an appalling interception to the Eagle’s defense. Some fat boy ran it back for a touchdown and we found ourselves in a 10-point hole early. After that, Dakota took off his Stevie Wonder goggles and put on his superman cape to lock in for the rest of the game.

It was a back-and-forth affair for a while, but there were some good things from the Dallas offense. CeeDeeGOAT has started to live up to that 88. I almost shed tears of joy watching him take a giant shit on the dirty bird’s defense just like Dez Bryant used to back in the good ole days. It’s still frustrating not using him even more than we do. Our lack of dynamic receiving weapons could be our downfall on offense this season and it sucks so bad. Michael Peg Leg Gallup can’t separate from anybody. Not surprising since barely a year ago his ACL separated from his knee. Noah Brown and our three WHITE ass tight ends just don’t put enough fear in defenses.

I have been putting off talking about the defense because they are dog shit now. Other than some bad injuries in the secondary, I have no idea what happened. Our pass rush has been performing an all-time disappearing act for about the last month now. It really sucks because I can’t even blame this one on injuries. The only defensive lineman we’ve lost is big boy John Hankins and all he does is plug holes (no homo) in the run game. If we don’t get back to our early season tradition of making QBs wet themselves every week, we MIGHT be in some serious trouble. Maybe we look at some current free agents for a spark? Elite LB Will Compton is standing ready as a mercenary. He was recently cucked out of a job with the Falcons, but it’s the fucking Falcons. NFL Commissioner Jerry Jones should have no problem waving his magic wand of money to add the “Potential All-Pro Caliber” Linebacker for some much-needed depth and vibes.

Other than that, I think we just need to get that Dawg back in our guys. It’s not about Xs and Os it’s about buddies and bros. Fuck scheme, let’s go hit a motherfucker in the mouth and wreak some havoc again.

The rest of America should be thanking Dak and the Cowboys for their heroic efforts this Saturday. America’s Team got the job done and refused to be swept by Siracha and the Eagles. It sure was a Merry Christmas for me. I will always hate this dirty-ass team and their moron-ass fans. They will always look up to us as superior and higher-IQ Cowboys fans. Cry Eagles cry.