A lot of people seem to think that NBA players are a bunch of Hollywood diva pussies. I’m here to let you know that’s completely fucking false. With painstaking effort, I have constructed a perfect modern NFL team using only players from the NBA. I have no doubt this team would easily go 17-0 and win the super bowl.
Let’s begin.
QB – Jarett Jack
For some, this might be a head-scratcher, but for me, there is no other option than Jarret Jack-it-up. One night during some miscellaneous regular season game, Jarrett Mahomes displayed one of the greatest feats in human history. He hurled a basketball so fucking far into the stands it almost tore a hole through a motherfucker’s face. I can’t think of a single QB in NFL history with that kind of arm talent.
RB – Donovan Mitchell
For this position, we need a blend of good size, power, and speed. The spida will fill this void with his arachnid-like limbs and surprisingly broad shoulders. An article I read online also says he’s one of the 10 fastest players in the league, so I’ll take that as a concrete fact. Good luck linebackers.
WR1 – Anthony Edwards
This one almost feels like cheating. I’m actually pretty sure Anthony Edwards already IS an NFL player and moonlights in the NBA. He’d be an unstoppable force on the field and a delight in the locker room. Megatron’s single-season receiving record is in serious jeopardy.
WR2 – Malik Monk
Have you seen this fucking catch? I don’t even care if he produces all we need is some highlights for our social media team so welcome to the squad Odell Monk.
Slot WR – Jose Alvarado
No super bowl champion would be complete without an annoying scappy and quick gym rat. I wouldn’t expect Jose to get the ball much because QB1 Jarrett Jack only throws down-the-field rockets like a fucking man, but if his dick ever falls off Jose will be there to pick up the slack.
TE – Draymond Green
This one is so fucking easy. Draymond already showed off his array of skills in college on the Michigan St. football team. Everyone who watched the tape only had one word to describe Draymond: Elite.
Offensive Line – Steven Adams
There was no fucking way I was looking for a guy to fill each O-line spot. I figure an entire offensive line of Steven Adams would get the job done. He’s the closest thing we have to a sasquatch in the NBA.
Defensive Tackle – 2021 Zion Williamson
At this position we’re only looking for one thing: size (width specifically). There is no better option than Zion in 2021 when he was a fat fuck. Whenever he’s not plugging his mouth with fried chicken and pastries he’ll be plugging up run holes.
EDGE – 2019 Zion Williamson
Once upon a time Zion was a lean-mean-defense destroying machine. We’re looking for power and explosion off the edge. I know he can probably create that with his asshole, but if he creates it on the defensive edge he’ll be a game-wrecker. If he pictured the opposing QB as a donut, I’d fear for that man’s life.
Linebacker – Desmond Bane
Not only does this guy have a cool ass linebacker name, he’s got shoulders thicker than Zion on his worst eating day. There is just simply too much width in this front 7 for teams to even think about running the ball. They might want to think about upgrading their medical staff though.
CB1 – Patrick Beverly
I could honestly give a fuck about the skill from this position. All we need is a motherfucker who talks shit. He might be completely fucking shit at the game, but Pat Bev will make his living abusing the opposing WRs mentally. He built his career in the NBA that way, no reason to suspect it should be any different on the gridiron.
CB2 – John Wall
Tall, long arms, fast, constantly injured? Sounds like an elite CB2 to me. John Wall will give our fanbase so much fucking hope it’ll make their hearts hurt.
Safety – Russell Westbrook
It would be so entertaining to see this guy fly all over the secondary with reckless abandon. Much like his basketball days I expect him to horribly whiff and make boneheaded mistakes with infuriating consistency- but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Any type he connected for a big or intercepted a pass the crowd would go bezerk. As is always the case with Russ: highlights are way more valuable than results. Fact.
Kicker/Punter: Also Draymond Green
I think starting offensive lineman Steven Adams could make a compelling case for Draymond to run the field goal unit as well.
Coach/GM – LeBron James
There is no current NBA player with more current experience in these roles. A great player but an even better man, there is no better leader for this team than LeHero.
There you have it. The most unstoppable NFL team probably ever in any era. Even if you don’t believe in the talent on the field, you can believe in LeCoach to get our guys in the best position to win. Stay tuned for next week when I build the greatest NASCAR Pit Crew out of popular sports media personalities.
The Armchair Experts 
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