That’s right baby. The job is finally finished. According to the ESPN Fantasy App, my beloved fantasy football franchise: Team FuckChris (Chris is a douchebag) has claimed their spot atop the Armchair Experts Fantasy Football League (AEFFL).
TeamFuckChris defeated the Q’Anon Shamen after the life-threatening injury to Damar Hamlin took place in the Bills-Bengals game on MNF. Thankfully, as of today Hamlin appears to be okay and recovering according to his Instagram/Twitter.
*This post is satirical in nature. Damar Hamlin’s life greatly outweights fantasy football (obvoiusly) and this is in no way meant to belittle the severity of his health. Glad he’s okay.
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsPutting love into the world comes back 3xs as much… thankful for everyone who has reached out and prayed. This will make me stronger on the road to recovery, keep praying for me! 🫶🏾3️⃣
— 𝐃𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐫 𝐇𝐚𝐦𝐥𝐢𝐧 (@HamlinIsland) January 7, 2023
//www.instagram.com/embed.js
Injuries blow and certainly isn’t a cool way to win in fantasy, however that didnt stop me from gloating so hard 3 of my league mates left the group chat. Not gonna lie that was pretty fucking satisfying. I’m not a complete asshole though, so me and the Shamen are splitting the winnings becasue the game was still up in the air with Tyler Bass and Ja’marr Chase playing for him down 26 or so. But ,there is still nothing better than seeing that gleaming gold trophy boasting #1 Team FuckChris, CHAMPION, when I open my ESPN fantasy football app.
I now believe this championship run and season has cemtented me as one of the all-time greats. Back-to-back 10-4 seasons and the winningest manager in AEFFL history. I have no doubt in my head, if Lamar Jackson, Deandre Swift, and Alvin Kamara hadn’t literally fallen apart in the playoffs last year… I’d be a repeat champ. I continue to be the biggest swindler the trade market has ever seen. Before the season I traded Mike Evans, Aaron Jones, Darren Waller, and Chris Olave for Justin Jefferson (goat), Nick Chubb, Dawson Knox, and Darnell “Goose Egg” Mooney. I was on top of the world. I knew Jjettas was a shoe-in for a big season and lots of griddy’s. I couldn’t wait to pair him with notorious handsome guy, Christian McCafferey. Already from week 1 I had the best duo in the league.
Unfortunately… I started out 0-2. I barely lost both games and place the blame soley on “Goose Egg” Mooney. He fucked me. The preseason hype was swirling so hard this off-season and I had high hopes for him and his 2nd year RB Justin Fields. Easily my biggest whiff of the season. Thank God I gave a resounding locker room speech and fired up the troops after 2 weeks in a row of pissing the bed. I also kicked Darnell off the team, cause fuck him.
I’m much too lazy to go into extreme detail about the rest of my brilliant moves over the season and I know anybody reading this probaly doesn’t give a fuck anyway. Basically just know I fineseed all the potatoes I call friends with evrery trade and that’s why I won and they didn’t.
People will probably now start asking me the secret to being so good at fantasy football. There’s only one answer: defense. It’s a tale as old as time- “Defense wins championships.” Well as someone who allowed the least amount of points scored against them this season I can certainly agree with that sentiment. Everyone in fantasy always focuses on the hot shot boom or bust guys that can go get 30 a game. Sure, it helps to have a few of them sitting around, but at the end of the day it won’t save you. The only way to guarantee winning is to force the other team to do not shit. It’s just discipline.
I am already looking forward to listening to all the frauds on Youtube give shitty advice in the off season next year. Fantasy football is one of God’s greatest gifts. A definitive way to prove you know more about sports than everybody else. A third straight 10-4 season is in my sights for next year, consistency is key. Congratulations to all the other league winners out there, but a special congrats to myself.
Team FuckChris forever.
The Armchair Experts 
Leave a comment