Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m about to enter the black hole of depression that I fall into every year for the 23rd time: the NFL playoffs.
Now, fortunately for my mental health the Cowboys haven’t made the playoffs every year since my birth. They manage to break it a little sooner fairly often. Sometimes, mercifully, they choose to suck dick early on so the year is simply a mind-numbing trance vs. a traumatizing catastrophe.
The playoffs are my Black Plague. Actually, to be honest, I think I would rather catch the Black Plague than suffer through this much longer. Think of any type of cruel and unusual punishment and I promise I would prefer it to the pain my beloved Cowboys bring me very single year. The good news is this year I see it coming. I’ve been blinded by youth and boyish ignorance in my prior years but not this time. Last year was the last straw. I had the pleasure (pain) of getting to see a home playoff game @ AT&T Stadium in person against the San Francisco Jimmy Garrapolo’s last year and it was so fucking awesome (until the end). I remember that drive away from the stadium so vividly the tears still well up sometimes. Not this year.
This year we get to face another ridicuously handsome QB in the first round: Tommy Brady. Tom Brady not only has more super bowl rings than Jimmy G but he has also kissed more children as well. Jimmy prefers to save his beautiful lips for liquid hot porn stars.
The Bucs cannot run the ball, have a senior citizen at QB, a losing record, and are objectively fucking trash. We are so fucked. In my humble opinion the strongest part left of this Bucs team is their defensive line. I already mentioned this in another blog, but our baby-faced moron of an OC loves running the ball, especially in extremely predictable fashion on first down. Maybe he’ll pull a miracle switch-a-roo and go hella pass heavy and we’ll dot those bitches up with our dynamic recieving group. Oh wait, we don’t have one of those either. The only thing I know FOR SURE, is that Dak Prescott WILL throw a pick at some point. I’m hoping its his first pass of the game. That will give him plenty of time to recalibrate and be excellent for almost 4 quarters. We’re gonna need A+ Dak post-pick in order to have a chance against the magic horshoe in Tom Brady’s ass.
At this point, the only thing the Cowboys have going for them is the “Nobody Believes in Us” factor. I certainly don’t. We managed to played our worst football towards the end of the season so the media has done a predictable 180 on us in the last few weeks. Hopefully all the experts on TV pick against us and give us a real shot this weekend. Also, we have this magic schedule pattern that is currently playing in our favor.
If the pattern stays true, we’re on pace to win 4 games in a row and win the Super Bowl. I’m not saying this schedule thing makes us a lock… but it sure does feel a lot like destiny. Damnit, I’ve done it again. I’m all in. We can definitely win the bowl this year. All it’s gonna take is the entire media picking against us, a few good games from Dak (sans the guaranteed interception) and we’re home sweet home, back where we belong. The NFC is so much weaker than the AFC, at least at QB. I think all of these factors can counteract the horseshoe.
The Cowboys were built for December football. That’s why Mike McCarthy stays as fat as he is- he’s ready for the winter. It doesn’t matter were headed off to Florida for the first game, I know he doens’t plan on losing any weight soon. He’s sending a message to his team with his body. Let’s fucking go Mike. Get the boys fired up, smash a few watermelons, and let’s go beat loyal husband Tom Brady for the first time ever. We Dem Boyz.
The Armchair Experts 
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