Welp, we got one boys. After four long years the Cowboys finally secured a playoff victory against Tompa Bay. Also, finally beat Tom Brady for the first time ever. That’s a solid A+ night in my book.
We started out rocky as fuck (no surprise there) with a couple 3 and outs. Then, Dak went retarded stupid. It was a quiet night for the Dak haters. He was throwing lasers all over the field and had total command of the offense. God damnit it was just beautiful to watch.
I was waiting all night for the magic horshoe in Tom Brady’s ass to activate and start the inevitable comeback rally, but it never totally manifested. Big word. Despite a herculean effort to keep Tom Brady in the game from closeted Tampa Bay superfan Brett Maher, the Cowboys never let go of the lead. It would’ve been totally on brand for this team and this season to blow a commanding lead to a legendary QB (fuck you Aaron Rodgers) but Dak Prescott whipped his nuts out and dragged them all across the Jolly Rogers in porn-like fashion.
Now the boys are headed off to the Bay Area to face NFL MVP Brock Purdy. It’s not going to be easy taking down the handsome backfield of him and Christian McCafferey. No doubt we’ll be the underdogs- the Niners may be the best (and most handsome) team in the league, but Dallas proved once again tonight that they can play with anyone when they bring their A game. This game is set to be a rematch from last years wild-card round where the Niners bounced us at our crib thanks to 14 penalties and way too much Deebo Samuel. The only thing on our minds this week should be revenge. Last year we were at a disadvantage, as we were clearly distracted by Jimmy G’s Italian handsomeness. Thank goodness that won’t be a problem this year.
Honestly, the biggest concern for next week is Brett Maher of all people. He quite literally shit his pants on live TV today. The game was mostly out of hand, so he became Twitter’s punching bag for the night, and deservedly so. People were actually tuning in just to see him miss more extra points. I’m pretty sure he broke a record by missing 4 in a row or something. Nice. Our best hope is that he’s secretly bankrupt and took Bucs ML tonight to pay off a mortgage or feed his family or something. He’s been pretty good this season so I can’t think of another reason he’d decide to spread his cheeks and poop on our fanbase tonight. I wonder how many more we’ll tolerate before Big Fat Mike decides no more and starts going for two. Surprised it’s taken him this long since he seems like a guy that’d be eager to double portion size.
My happiness has now been extended another week. I’ll give myself a nice pat on the back and enjoy this week, but it’s back to business very soon. It certainly does feel good to send Tom Brady home. At least now he has more time to makeout with his children.
Go Cowboys.
The Armchair Experts 
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