It pains me to no end that I am writing this article 3 weeks before the super bowl, but here we are. The Cowboys lost this past weekend in devastating fashion to the Niners and now the world is laughing at us again. The only way to keep my sanity is to picture us making game-changing off-season moves, even though deep down I know Jerry Jones is too senile for that now. Maybe Cap Boy stephen jones will take a crash course on how not to be a dumbass this off-season. Please stephen. I will not capitalize your name until you fix this.
I guess we’ll start with the draft. If I see one more mock draft of Dallas taking Bijan Robinson in the first round I WILL kill myself. Why. How can we already be doing this shit again? We have now watched Zeke fall apart in front of our eyes for like 3 years now and somehow we’ve circled back around to take a RB in the first round. Taking a RB at 26 or whatever we pick at isn’t as egregious as 4, but cmon guys we can do better than that. I think WR is our most pressing offensive need right now, but an argument could be made for OL as well. If we go WR, I have no idea who we target. It doesn’t seem like this draft is very strong at that position, so that’s great. Maybe another Buckeye with Jaxon Smith-Njigba? He has a cool name, went to a cool school, and has tons of hype. Sounds like a Cowboy to me. As long as we ignore that he hasn’t played in a year and he might be slow according to a random tweet I saw, then he’s a home run.
Of course, I HAVE seen the rumors of Deandre Hopkins swirling around. The dumpster fire Cardinals are looking to throw away talent so I’d say it’s worth a call. I’m not sure how high of a draft pick I’d be willing to give though. Honestly, Dallas is clearly lacking speed on the offense and has no vertical threat. Doesn’t really sound like Dhop, so while that idea does make my pickle wiggle a little bit, it’s probably not what we need right now. Sure would be nice if the Dolphins would trade us Tyreek Hill for like a 5th-round pick. I’d probably accept that offer.
I would also love us to just be fucking aggressive in free agency for once. We need some more beef on the interior DL so let’s go find some chub chubs on the market. It really isn’t that hard. I sign so many free agents in Madden franchise mode and then just trade them if they don’t pan out or get too expensive. Why can’t we just operate that way? Maybe I should be the one who teaches cap boy how being an NFL GM works. It is a little demoralizing that most 17-year-olds with an Xbox could probably run our team smoother than the guys in charge. I’ll add that to my resume.
The one thing I don’t want to turn this offseason into (it’s already begun) is a Dak Prescott circus. The anti-Dak Twitter Army has been amassing in full force the last few days, and are galvanizing behind the media shows trashing Dak for his playoff performance. Dak shit his pants on live TV, there’s no denying that. HOWEVER, acting like he’s the worst QB ever and has no shot at ever winning a super bowl is not the way to behave right now. People don’t seem to understand that 1. Dak doesn’t fucking suck and 2. He’s on a big-ass contract that isn’t going anywhere. How can people just instantly forget the only reason we even FACED the 49ers is Dak? I listened to a podcast the other day, so I’m basically an expert on this matter now: Mike Fatass McCarthy runs his offense in a way that puts tremendous pressure on the QB. Basically, every game we play is either won or lost based on how Dak plays. This was our second straight 12-5 season (yes I know Cooper Rush went 4-1 fuck off). How about instead of kicking our QB to the curb, maybe we could upgrade the roster around him? Just a quick thought experiment.
Now, on the other hand, I can totally get behind firing this staff. The only one I like is DQ but he’s all but assured to be a head coach again. To put it simply: Mike McCarthy is just too fat. We’ll never win with him literally dragging us down. Kellen Moore, you can go too you baby-faced bitch. I am so fucking sick and tired of watching all 4 WRs just run 8-yard curls. Seriously what the fuck is that? People have been talking about Sean Payton like he’s the second coming of Christ for some team this off-season. The media dick-riding someone like that usually means they’re way off and there’s some agenda but fuck it. I can’t take another year of fat boy and baby man. We need someone that runs an offense that actually makes it easy on their QB. I think most people believe that the Chiefs make it harder on Mahomes because he’s so good, or the Bengals do that with Burrow. Brock Purdy is gonna win the fucking Super Bowl and he does the bare minimum. Not everyone has the weapons that he has, but the point still stands: make the QBs job easy. I hope Mike McCarthy finds a way to piss Jerry off. Maybe he’ll have an affair with his wife or something (he’s probably too fat for that though). Does Jerry even have a wife? If so, she’s probably at least 30 years younger. That pantry must be filled to the brim with Viagra.
I could use a Viagra right now. I haven’t been feeling as macho these last few days. Maybe a dick pill will help get me out of the slump. Or maybe Dallas could just get to an NFC Championship, that would get me going. Maybe next year!
The Armchair Experts 
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