It is officially coach-poach season. It happens every year, I get to watch franchises who just suffered demoralizing seasons do their best to pivot and finally find the coach who will carry them to the promise land.
Sean Payton’s face has been slapped on my Twitter feed for months now. Lots of rumors about him joining the Cowboys (which happens every time) kept him relevant and people wondering which franchise he’d save. I’m not sure when this happened, but at some point in the past two years, Sean Payton slowly morphed into the second coming of Jesus Christ. I guess I always thought he was a good coach, but when the fuck did he leap into the S tier with Belichick and Andy Reid and I can’t think of any more right now but you get the point. Honestly, I decided I was out on Sean Payton after he went on The Herd: With Colin Cowherd and said that he would NEVER go no-huddle. What a moron! No-huddle is the best and I swear every time I watch teams do it they march right up the field. Fuck giving the defense time to set up and look at formations. Just go fucking fast and snap the ball and have your players run fast and you will score. It’s really that simple. Who even cares if you turn the ball over more from going quickly? There should be more possessions since the speed of the game is faster so by my math that evens out. I mean how can you even trust a guy that can’t do simple math? I also forgot to mention they had to trade a 1st round pick for him. Gross.
I’m sure he’ll be a major success story coaching the Broncos in 2023. Clearly, they are a franchise on the uptick, and they have the infamous Playboy Russell Wilson at the helm for like 45 more years. That’s a HC-QB combo I wouldn’t want to face every year. Watch out Chiefs Kingdom, the castle is coming down.
Now we can move on to DeMeco Ryans. This guy is a badass. I’m choosing to believe that he really was a great DC, and wasn’t simply a product of having a shit-load of talent on that team. Too bad he’s taking over the living, breathing pile of shit that is the Houston Texans. These guys have no fucking hope. Everything they touch turns to dust before their eyes. I sure hope they don’t Medusa DeMeco Ryans because he seems cool and I hope he does a good job. If the Texans just rebranded back to the Oilers they’d actually be fucking cool. Their colors, they’re logo, there history (or lacktherof) is all just bleh. If DeMeco has the magic horseshoe maybe he can do something to turn it around. I have little faith. Not because of DeMeco, but because of the Texans. God they are just so fucking lame it makes my stomach hurt. I would recommend they just start cheating like the Astros. At least it will put them in the news and give them some sort of identify. Go find some fucking trash cans to bang on Texans.
I can’t wait to see how the rest of the coaching switches turn out. Actually, I really don’t care. Every hire just reminds me of the fat dumb idiot we have down in Dallas. I’m sure Mike is face-deep in a pint of chocolate ice cream right now, while DeMeco cranks out 15 reps on 225. If coaches were graded on the size of their waste, we’d win the Super Bowl every year. Fuck you Philadelphia I hope Mahomes and Andy Reid (another fat boy) crush you (not a weight joke).
The Armchair Experts 
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