One of the greatest days of the year came and went like a wet dream today. The NBA trade deadline almost always blesses sports fans with random and exciting trades for no reason. Most of the time there’s like 1-2 blockbusters involving game-changing players, and the other 90% are role guys that we weirdly get excited about seeing in new uniforms. Basically the trade deadline is a microcosm of the human addiction to new things. It’s the cool shiny toy you get on Christmas that you’ll play with 4 times and never touch again. Will I tune in to watch the new-look Lakers every night? Probably not. Did I waste 4 hours of my day refreshing Twitter to see what their next move would be? You’re god damn right I did!
Let’s start with the Big Kahuna: Kevin Durant is headed to the PHX Suns for like 4 first-round picks, Mikal Bridges, and Cam Johnson.
Somehow this weasely snake has managed to find himself on another super-team. Bridges and Johnson are good players but flipping them into KD is pretty fucking good. Devin Booker is already a big star and somehow the Suns managed to keep Deandre Ayton too, who honestly probably would’ve preferred to be shipped off anyway. Obviously, these annoying fuckers are now contenders once again. The only person I’m happy for is Chris Paul. He’s an asshole and everyone hates him, which is exactly why I love him. It’d be nice to see him get a ring, but we all know the negative horseshoe that lives in his asshole will prevent them from winning somehow. Be prepared for a devasting injury at the most critical and inopportune time.
The other teams making big moves were the Lakers and Clippers. The Lakers ended up with DLo, Malik Beasley, Mo Bamba, and Jared Vanderbilt while shipping off Pat Bev and Russel Westbrook. Hallelujah! They’re automatically better off by subtracting those two morons from the club. I’m not convinced the guys coming in will make them better, but at least they shoot a little better. The Clippers added Eric Gordon, one of the Plumlees, and Bones Hyland. They’re probably better too, again not sure. I like Luke Kennard and they sent him packing. The Clippers are cursed (much like CP3) and will never win anything so honestly, it’s kind of irrelevant what they do at this point. If every all-star in the West played for them they’d still have no shot at a title. Please just move to Seattle.
The rest of the moves were pretty small and involved a bunch of role players so I won’t bore all 8 of my loyal readers with the details. The most hilarious trade of the day is John Wall going back to the Rockets 1 week after he called them “so trash.” Players going back to former teams actually happened a lot today. Gary Payton to the Warriors, Poetl to the Raptors, DLo to the Lakers, and a few more that I’m too lazy to name.
Overall, I am definitely satisfied with the deadline this year. Another minor storyline was watching Shams and Woj duke it out on Twitter again. I think Woj reclaimed his throne this year. It’s truly remarkable. Reminds me of watching Messi and Mbappe in the World Cup. Two all-time greats at the peak of their powers scratching and clawing for all the marbles. Woj may have won the battle, but Shams still won the war when he took down Kay Adams on National TV. Bravo, my good sir.
I’ll be counting down the days until next year’s deadline. The NBA is officially back.
The Armchair Experts 
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