The Perfect Exercise Routine

What’s the most fun way to exercise?

I think the most fun way to exercise is to not exercise at all. I’m at my absolute happiest when I haven’t moved for hours. I’m not a religious man, but if Heaven does exist, I know it will simply be me, my couch, a plate full of wings on my TV-tray, and perpetual sports on the television. Perhaps a Dr. Pepper in my Lazy Boy cup holder.

Don’t let this routine fool you- it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s just as hard to do absolutely nothing all the time than it is to be physically active all the time. Sometimes, after I’ve consumed 20+ hours of sports in a weekend and not moved a single muscle in my body, I feel like giving up. I can feel my limbs aching for any type of nutrition or stimulation. But do I give up? Do I give in to the pressure? No.

I refuse to listen to the doctors, the trainers, and worst of all: the social media influencers. I will NOT live my life just like everyone else. I will not be a cog in the great big factory that we call society. I’m one of the elite, the proud, and the brave. There aren’t many of us left out there. There are too many forms of stimulation that have led many distracted men off the forbidden path. I’ve bonded my soul to this life so that I may be a beacon for those who follow. Do not fret, fellow couch potatoes, for there is a still a place in this world for us. A place where we can be free, where we can be happy. That place is our couch. When it calls, we MUST answer. A new generation is upon us, let us help them see the light (specifically, the LED lights on the brand new Sony 4K flat-screen television).

Be brave, be strong. Listen to that little armchair expert inside of you. We have one in all of us. God bless you, and God bless our couches.