Round 1 NBA Picks

The NBA Playoffs are finally here, which means I am also here, to deliver groundbreaking NBA picks. You know I only bring picks that are cross-referenced with mathematics, analytics, engineering, and of course, science. I will be picking every series in every round until we have an NBA champion. LFG

Nets vs. 76ers

Official Pick: Philadelphia 76ers

• I’m riding with the eMbiidVP for this series. A lot of these are going to be pretty fucking obvious I’m now realizing. I don’t see a world where the Nets pull off an upset like this. Actually, I do see that world and it’s one where Embiid gets hurt in the playoffs like he always does. Usually that doesn’t happen until round 2 though, so I’ll stick with him… for now.

Hawks vs. Celtics

Official Pick: Boston Celtics

• Easily my least favorite series out of them all. I hate the Celtics and I hate Trae Young. Unfortunately for me, the Celtics are actually decent so I have them beating Atlanta pretty easily. Their time will come though, and I’m telling you now I will refuse to pick them in the second round.

Knicks vs. Cavaliers

Official Pick: Cleveland Cavaliers

• This might my the most interesting series of round one. I could honestly see both of these teams in the Eastern Finals if the cards fell right. I’m riding with the Cavs in the end because of one reason: Julius Randle. I know this guy has had a great season, so props to him. He’s just one of those weird players that is really good but also fucking sucks at the same time. I just don’t trust him to carry them in a playoff series. To me, Jalen Brunson is the best player on the Knicks, but I KNOW Julius Randle doesn’t see it that way. I could see him turning into a shot-chucking brick machine that does more harm than good in the end. The Cavs also bring a lot of young talent to the table and sometimes those teams overachieve randomly for a playoff run. It would feel wrong however to see the Cavs actually win a playoff series without Lebron. If that curse sticks, then they’ll have no shot.

Heat vs. Bucks

Official Pick: Milwuakee Bucks (no shit)

• Obviously this one is obviously obvious, obviously. If you put a gun to my head and told me to pick a team to win the NBA title, I’d pick the Bucks. It would be a real shame if I got my head blown off after the first fucking round. Bring out the brooms.

Warriors vs. Kings

Official Pick: Golden State Warriors

• God fucking damnit this team will just not fucking go away. They slacked off all regular season and win the lottery with the Kings in round 1. Steph Curry continues his streak of being the luckiest player in NBA history. I like the Kings, but the absence of defense will be their downfall. They have no experience, and are playing THE most experienced team in the league. That’s just the perfect recipe for a round 1 L. Trust me, I would love nothing more than SacTown to take this one. I’m so fucking sick and tired of the Warriors. I will be betting on them heavily in hopes that my cursed luck will be their downfall. I will gladly fall on my own sword to bring about the end of this cursed dynasty. Fuck you Golden State.

Clippers vs. Suns

Official Pick: Phoenix Suns

• This is a bad draw for the Clips. I don’t really like them or the Suns so I’m glad they get to eliminate each other early. The Suns haven’t even lost when KD plays. They are probably the best team in the West, but they have the same Achilles heel as the Lakers, which is Kevin Durant’s literal Achilles. If he gets hurt, which he could at any moment, they’re fucked. I’m sure he’ll be fine for the first round.

Timberwolves vs. Nuggets

Official Pick: Denver Nuggets

• I don’t even want to give commentary on this one. The Nuggets are so boring and they’re the typical 1-seed that isn’t gonna win the title. I’d give them the 4th best odds in the West alone. I doubt the series against the play-in Gods will be very good.

Lakers vs. Grizzlies

Offical Pick: Los Angeles Lakers of course!

• I’m riding with the LakeShow yo! We’ve already talked strategy about how to win this series in a landslide. All we need are some big booty bitches sitting courtside and the Grizzlies don’t stand a chance. They’ll probably fill their jersey pockets with stacks of cash ready to make it rain at a moment’s notice. The Lakers however are focused, dialed in, ready to go. Anthony Davis will no doubt disappoint us a few times along the way but we’ll be fine. If these old ass injury prone fuckers can just stay healthy we’ll have a chance at the title. Much like the Suns, I’m counting on us being okay for round 1.

That does it for the first round. I have no doubt all these picks are 100% correct. The first round is easy though, child’s play. The real test will be how accurate I can be in the following rounds. It’s a good time to be a basketball fan. NBA forever.