I can’t believe this is what we’ve come to, but the Sacramento Kings hold the fate of the entire world in their hands. They have a chance to finally end the communist regime of the Golden State Warriors. They’ve captivated the world with their speed, their resilience, and most importantly- their motherfucking beam!! They have been sticking that giant purple beam right up Golden State’s ass for 2 games, but can they keep it up, and finally bring about the end of the 6th Reich?
All season long we heard about the King’s potent offense and non-existent defense. I expected a fairly close, exciting series where the Warriors ultimately prevail. In my previous blog, I picked the Warriors to win the series but declared I would bet on them hoping it would hurt their chances. Well, if there’s one thing that never fails, it’s my horrid gambling luck. The Warriors seem to be in real trouble! They are struggling with the King’s speed, specifically De’Aaron Fox’s downhill ability. He’s been getting whatever he wants, especially when he becomes Mr. Fourth Quarta with under 5 minutes to go. This is such a huge victory lap for those of us who thought Fox > Lonzo way back in 2017. If only the Lakers had taken this fucker instead.
The King’s defense has maybe been the most shocking thing so far. I think we can officially declare their defense not bad. At least, the perimeter defense isn’t that bad. DFox and Davion Mitchell (shoutout Scott Drew) have been giving Steph Curry hell all series. Steph is gonna get his no matter what, but just making exert that extra 10% and fucking up their actions can be the difference. I also see that their game plan of forcing Steph to hit a big shot in the clutch is working to perfection. For as great a shooter he is, there might be no one I fear less with the game on the line. The only game-winner I remember from him was the deep-ass shot against OKC in 2016. He hasn’t done anything that sick in a long time. He pretty much never had to considering he hired Kevin Durant as his personal legacy-saver to do all that for him.
I almost forgot to mention- it’s only game 2 and the Kings have already made Draymond Green do something ridiculous. I figured we wouldn’t get ejection/suspension discussions about him until the later rounds of the playoffs, but we’re already here! Might I just say, bravo Domantis Sabonis. That was one hell of a performance getting Draymond to do that. He sneakily pulled his leg a little and baited the Ndamukong Stomp. Then, he topped it off with one of the all-time dramatic performances. For a second, I actually thought he died out there. He was screaming and writhing in pain like he had just been stabbed 30 times with a serrated knife. I guess that’s the kind of thing they just don’t teach us in America. Hard to believe he wasn’t a theater kid.
The only thing left to see is how the Warriors look at home. It’s no secret that they’re complete dogshit on the road, but they’ll have to win at least one road game due to their seeding. If they get back to San Francisco and dominate then we might have a 7 gamer on our hands. I would really just prefer a clean 4 game sweep. Let’s get rid of these fuckers while we can. I am so fucking sick and tired of the Golden State Warriors and just want them to go away forever. If I were Adam Silver I would literally remove them as a franchise for their crimes. The Kings have a chance to forever be America’s darling. If they can just close the deal and keep that beam going!
Make your decision America, and make it fast. It’s not too late to hop aboard the #BeamTeam, but the train is leaving the station. It’s time to take that Purple Rain right into the Bay Area and shine that beam right in their stupid fucking faces.
#BeamTeam4L
The Armchair Experts 
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