Once upon a time the year was 2019. The NBA Draft was coming up, and it had 2 of the most anticipated prospects in recent memory: Zion Williamson and Ja Morant. These high-flying human highlight reels were about to set the league on fire, and everyone had nothing but praise for the young goats. Fast-forward to 2023, and things have taken a bit of a wild turn… to say the least.
Zion’s whole career on the court has basically been an injury filled disaster. It really sucks because when he plays, he’s one of the 10 most dominant guys in the league. It appears that his knees and feet just can’t contain his prestige-level fatness for more than a few months. We all knew that New Orleans probably wasn’t the best spot for him to land from a food perspective, and unfortunately the allegations are true. It’s crazy to go back and look at HS and early college clips when Zion was absolutely YOKED and could jump out of the gym at will. His highlights were so awesome but he was more than just that, he was a great player too. Incredible touch around the rim and surprising court vision.
Unfortunately, Zion has been in the news this week for having touched around the wrong rims. Zion recently announced the birth of his new daughter (congrats btw) via a gender reveal on Instagram. Following that event, a young woman by the name of Moriah Mills took to Twitter an unleashed Hell with a barrage of tweets attacking the sweet young Zion. Apparently, Mills was his sidehoe (?) or something, and she seemed quite upset about him having a child with another woman. There were a few wild accusations and a few hilarious screenshots included along the way. I’m not sure I totally believe everything she said, but if it IS true, then Zion needs to re-evaluate the way he talks to women. I’m no savant, but his robot-like approach is very uncomfortable to read and if his net worth wasn’t $200M, he might still be a virgin. All the game on the court, and none of it off. He already got caught lacking with a Snapchat back in college, and is continuing his unprecedented run of leaked sexual engagements to this day. It sounds like Mills has some sex-tape level ammo to let loose if she wakes up one day and really wants to go off the rails.
Who am I to judge Zion’s choice in lovers, but why so many pornstars big guy? You could have any girl you want, and it seems like you’re choosing the ones that any guy could have. If you can’t notice these red flags before you get to “leak all conversations and give dick reviews on Twitter” level, then I don’t know what to tell you. Props to you for getting the ladies down bad, but I know it hurts having your manhood called “trash” and wearing the label of “box-mucher” in front of the whole world. We already make fun of you for eating enough already Zion, you didn’t have to go and add pussy to the list! It’s also embarassing if this lady was actually motivating you to stay in shape. Sex is not the kind of excercise you need to focusing on big dawg. Maybe go get a couple shots up in the gym next time you feel horny or something. It’s a shame that “horny” is pretty much the number one way to describe NBA players these days. I never expected you to be at the top of that list.
I mentioned Ja Morant at the top but don’t even want to get into his bullshit right now. I think everyone is kind of sick of it and we all know his big suspension is coming up after the finals. Ja Wick is a menace and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be slowing down any time soon. As far as I know he hasn’t actually broken any laws, but more just been a certified dumbass. If he gets more than 20 games then I think it’s a sign Adam Silver was personally offended by Ja lying straight to his face. If possible, he should try and issue a suspension of pussy and po-boys for Zion while he’s at it. I wish we could just go back to the simple days of watching these guys electrify arenas instead of worrying about their sex and deadly weapon addicitons. The 2019 draft class has truly been one to behold.
The Armchair Experts 
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