Blind MLB Picks

If anyone knows me, they know I absolutely fucking hate baseball. It is so boring and so slow, and the thought of sitting through 4 hours of that shit makes me want to blow my brains out. Thank God for the new pitch clock. I’ve been to 3 MLB games in my life and fallen asleep at 2 of them. Unsurprisngly a great place to nap considering the crowd noise was barely louder than my TV. Regardless, I think I can still manage to get the juices flowing if I toss a litle wager on some MLB today. I know next to nothing about who is good and bad, so I’m essentially covering my eyes and hoping something sticks. I might as well be that damned Corgi that almost sent the Lakers home in round 2. This should be fun.

Oakland A’s +1.5 vs. Tampa Bay

• Okay, so the one thing I do know is that Tampa is the best team in baseball. I also know that Oakland is having some weird kind of rennasaince in leu of them moving the team to Vegas. Can’t say I really care either way, but the dogshit A’s have been on a bit of a hot streak recently. I know they caught an L yesterday but today we are recapturing some of that magic. Reverse boycott for life.

Texas Rangers -1.5 vs. LA Angles

• I’m pretty sure the Rangers have been solid this year. Don’t like going up against one of the 5 baseball players I know in Ohtani, but I’m pretty sure the Angels have been cancelled for never being good and surrounding him with shithole players. I’m riding with Dallas’ finest today.

SD Padres -1.5 vs. CLE Guardians

• The Padres have one of the best logo/color combinations in baseball. I see lots of hype beasts wearing those brown and yellow hats. I also know they got a few starts on the roster so how can I knot pick them? I also think the Guardians rebrand is wack as fuck and now root against them. Cleveland is a Cavs city anyways.

Chicago White Sox +1.5 @ LA Dodgers

• I know the Dodgers have been good in recent years just from tuning into the World Series every now and then. Regardless, talent can’t make up for culture, and the White Sox have the coolest swag in baseball. All-time classic hats and colors, there’s no way I can pick against them. I will always ride for the pinstripes over the solids any day of the week. Shoutout White Sox Dave.

There you have it. I have no idea how this is going to go. I’m feeling either undefeated or winless today, and there’s no spot I’d rather be in. Remember, it’s just as hard to go 0-4 as it is to go 4-0. At the very least, you can post a perfect record while fading me.