The NBA Draft is approaching quickly. It’s been one of the more hyped up drafts in recent memory, due to a highly regarded top 3. I’m here to declare that 2 out of these 3 prospects are complete frauds, and I have the scientific proof to back it up. Prepare for foolproof analysis.
Let’s start with giraffe-turned-basketball player: Victor Wembamyama. This guy is easily the most anticipated prospect since recovering sex addict, Zion Williamson. I guess we can’t rule out that same possibility for Wemby, considering his country of origin. But we’re not here to focus on big booty hoes, this article is staying strictly on the court. Mr. Victor is a 7’5″ unicorn with handles and a “shot.” Apparently he’s going to waltz into the NBA and be the best player in the world in 3 years time. However, smart NBA pundits such as myself have taken a little closer look under the hood, and I’m not so sure I believe that conspiracy theory.
First off, he’s somehow tricked everyone into thinking he’s some tall great shooter like KD or Porzingis (once upon a time). HOWEVER, it’s been noticed that he doesn’t even shoot 30% from beyond the arc. AND that’s in a French league where everyone has been learning the art of surrender since they were 3 years old. Just because he has a pretty form for such a tall guy doesn’t mean the ball is going through the hoop.
I’m also not sold on Victor’s playmaking or defensive abilities. He’s been averaging more assists than turnovers so he’s not exactly a wizard with the rock. Pretty embarassing considering he has access to every passing lane imaginable. As for defense, the guy is built like a twig. I’m sure he’ll rack up some nice blocking stats because of his Mr. Fantastic arms but will he really be a strong interior rim protector? I’m not so sure. If aforementioned pornstar Zion puts one shoulder into this guy he’s going to snap in half. That’s not his preferred method of back-breaking but I don’t think that’s going to stop him.
I haven’t even mentioned the injury possibilities with this guy. I mean he’s 7’5″ for Christ’s sake. When in the history of mankind has this ever turned out well? The average male height is 5’9″ (told you this was backed by science) meaning he’s almost 2 above average. He could rupture his achilles or have his knees collapse just crossing the street. The best possible outcome injury-wise is Kevin Durant, and he’s had more than his fair share of season-enders. Obviously I don’t want the kid to get hurt because he’ll be an absolute freakshow to watch, but it just seems inevitable for guys with his body type. Just take a look at Chet Holmgren from last year.
Obviously as a GM you have to take this cat #1. Fortunately, he’s going to a dumpster fire franchise in the San Antonio Spurs, who have been completely irrelevant since 2015. Kawhi took their dignity with him when he scooted out of there and they haven’t recovered since. They might want to invest in some new team doctors because like I said, I doubt this guy avoids having to get his knees looked at during his career. Fuck you San Antonio, I still haven’t forgiven you since 2014. NBA Karma clearly agrees with me, because you haven’t done shit for nearly a decade now.
Another top 3 prospect in this draft is Brandon Miller. I’m not going too in-depth here, but earlier today it was revealed that he thinks Paul George is the GOAT. That’s easily the worst thing Brandon Miller has ever said or done and is my #1 red flag for avoiding him in the draft. You just can’t draft a guy who would say those words out loud with a straight face. I just can’t trust him now. The only guy worth drafting this year is Scoot Henderson. He’s short, but he already goes by one word “Scoot” and is built like an absolute tank. They say he’s a psychopath who never leaves the gym so he sounds dependable. Definitely not the kind of guy who will get his sext messages leaked online and have 2 different baby mamas going to war on social media. We have a winner.
I’m very curious to see how the draft turns out tomorrow. I’m rooting for maximum chaos and hopefully a ton of trades. We’ve already seen a 3-team trade come and go this afternoon so who knows how epic it could get tomorrow. Time to unmute Woj and Shams for a night so I can stay locked in on all the action. Hopefully they don’t spoil the picks again though, otherwise they’re going right back on mute. Woj “promised” he wouldn’t, but I still don’t trust him or that sleezbag Shams. He’ll probably ruin every pick from the comfort of Kay Adam’s bedroom. What a life that guy lives, fuckin prick. Happy NBA draft week.
The Armchair Experts 
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