The NBA Draft was last night, and Jesus Christ it was a fucking snooze fest. I was hoping for at least 3.5 Woj bombs where some unhappy superstars could catch a breath of fresh air on a new squad. It makes me and everyone else in the world so excited when they list those trade details on Twitter all night long. Instead we got a limp dick top 10 with a few minor trades that no one gives a fuck about. I’m not going to cover bullshit like Derrick Lively getting traded from OKC to Dallas like that matters at all. I doubt Javale Mcgee 2.0 will really turn the tides on future title runs for either of those teams (OKC will never win a title). Let’s just touch over the highlights involving some names I actually recognize and get the fuck out of here.
Wembanyama drafted #1 overall to San Antonio
- Wow. Who could have seen this coming? This stunning pick was leaked moments before it happened and the crowd couldn’t believe what they were seeing. This was Anthony Bennet all over again. Wemby will be a BUST.
Hornets take Brandon Miller over Scoot Henderson
- This one is actually fucking stupid. I don’t know if anyone has been paying attention because it’s Charlotte, but they’ve basically been acting like an undergound crime syndicate moonlighting as an NBA team for the past few years. Nobody finds it the least bit suspicious that they’re drafting known arm’s dealer Brandon Miller?? I can say one thing for sure: this team is going to shoot the lights out next season. Run and hide NBA teams.
Cam Whitmore slips to pick 20
- I don’t watch Villanova hoops, so I’m not overly familiar with Cam Whitmore’s game from a reality perspective. However, I do consume several hours of podcasts every single week so I feel like I have the authority to speak on this some. Why would a supposed top 10 talent fall all the way to pick 20? The guy didn’t even make it in the lottery. Whitmore was visibily pissed in the green room all night long, and I’m sure his mood didn’t improve when he found out he was going to the fucking Rockets. Really tough scene to not get drafted high and still land on a shit team. It would’ve been cool if the Lakers or Heat or any franchise with a pulse took a swing on this athletic freak. I heard his coach might’ve thrown him under the bus during interviews and if true, that guy is a scumbag. Not surprising, considering Villanova is a Philly school and that city only produces the worst of mankind.
Zion Williamson was NOT traded
- When I was mentioning snooze fest earlier, this is what I was alluding to. Everyone knew the Big Kahuna might be on the move tonight and my ears were pinned to see where that might be. Sadly, it looks like the boy is staying in the city of pastries and strippers. I can’t believe we let this guy get drafted to one of the fattest and horniest cities in the country. There was just no way he was going to be able to stay away from beignets, bourbon, and bitches. It won’t be long before his jersey is hanging in the rafters of a strip club like James Harden. He’ll probably have it hanging in a couple restaurants too. I was hoping we’d get to see him somewhere for a fresh start but no one wanted to pull the trigger I guess. Maybe if Moriah Mills bought an NBA franchise she’d go for it. I saw today she got his name tatooed on her face so I’m assuming that’d be her #1 priority as owner and GM. You sure know how to find the good ones Zion.
Twins got drafted back to back at #4 and #5
- I don’t even know how that statement is possible. I had never even heard of these twins before because they played in some fake ass overtime league. Apparently they’re both athletic as fuck and can shoot and pass AND they look the same??? Seems fishy. I also think Detroit might’ve taken the 2nd one at #5 just to avoid any cringe or awkward moments if one of the twins slipped too many picks. Imagine how embarassing it would be that the guy who looks and plays exactly like you got picked 10 spots ahead. I know that’s a shame I’d never want to deal with.
Those are all the storylines I can think of right now that are even remotely interesting. This summer better start popping off with some trades or I will log a formal complaint to the leage office. Adam Silver better get his shit together NOW. There’s no way we can have a loser franchise like Denver be the face of the NBA for a second straight year. Do what you need to do Adam.
The Armchair Experts 
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