Ah, the Houston Texans. One of the NFL’s most beloved and popular franchises. We’ve seen nothing but success from these warm-bodied Texans ever since their inception back in 1999-2000. 23 years of pure dominance. Why should we expect anything different this season?
I know everyone was laughing at that criminally sarcastic opening, but we all know deep down the Houston Texans are an embarassment. Almost nothing about them is cool. Boring uniforms, colors, players, and fans. I will die on the hill that they will never win anything until they re-brand to the Oilers (yes I know the Titans are actually the Oilers, shut the fuck up). That team actually had some life and character to it.
I’d say we can expect from the Texans this season what they always give us: nothing. They’re fresh off of drafting CJ Stroud, and I can’t think of any other reason to watch this God-forsaken team except for the new young QB. I guess if I end up drafting Dameon Pierce again in fantasy I’ll watch a few goal line plays. It made me sick having him last year. I’ve never watched so many lifeless 3 and outs in my life. Thank God the Cowboys FLEECED these fools for Brandin Cooks this offseason. He deserves better than to rot in this Hell-hole. It sucks that CJ Stroud is going to look like dogshit while he’s throwing to JUCO players.
It goes without saying that I don’t expect these mofos to win many games. I actually am rooting for Demeco Ryans to succeed because he seems like a cool coach, but there isn’t a soul alive that’s managed to conquer that beast before. The only player I can even name on their defense is Jalen Pitre, and while he is a stud, I don’t think 1 great safety is going to be enough to make a playoff run. I just remembered they traded up to draft Will Anderson as well. That makes two studs. Hmmm, maybe I’ll upgrade them from a top 32 defesne to top 25. At least those guys will have some cool highlights on Twitter.
Oh well, another lost year for Texans fans. I’m a Cowboys fan, but even I’m not sure how they do it. At least we’ve had exciting players to root for over the years. The only electric guy the Texans ever had exploited every massage parlor in the city and got shipped out quickly after. Hopefully CJ Stroud doesn’t fall under that same spell.
2023 Record: 4-13
Last Place in AFC South
The Armchair Experts 
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