My name is Cleveland Brownnnn, and I am proud to beeeeeee. The NFL’s ugliest franchise has somehow managed to be semi-relevant for the last 5 or so years. It all started when they drafted Baker Mayfield back in 2018. That pick certainly looked good for a while, but once it went downhill it fell apart QUICKLY. Luckily for Cleveland, they had already done the impossible before Baker became ass: built a strong roster. The pieces were there with a great offensive line, improved coaching (with Stefanski), and Myles Garrett. The missing piece? America’s favorite predator, Deshaun Simpson. They traded the rest of the farm for the notorious massage enthusiast and then proceeded to give him $230 million guaranteed. Way to go Cleveland. Let’s see how this is gonna work out for them…
I guess we can start with the obvious, Deshaun Cosby. He was suspended 11 games last year, then came back and sucked ass. I don’t know why people seem so confident in him turning right back into his old self this year. I know people that are counting on him to be a reliable fantasy quartberback and let me tell you, I ain’t one of them. The only fantasy we know he’ll show up for is in the massage section on Pornhub. Maybe he will be good but I certainly won’t be rooting for him. Sucks too, because the old Deshaun was such an exciting player to watch.
The Browns will luckily be toting out some solid weapons for their controversial QB. Like I said earlier, the O-line is a brick wall that forms the foundation of the team. You add in skill guys like Amari Cooper, Nick Chubb, and David Njoku to that and you’ve got a pretty formidable offense. Videos have been floating around of Nick Chubb looking like Atlas with the weight of the entire world on his back. As long as that mfer keeps his legs churning there’s no one that can bring him down. Dudes bounce off of him like he’s made of solid rubber and it’s pretty fuckin entertaining to watch.
On the defensive side of the ball, the Browns have Myles Garrett and Denzel Ward. I think that’s pretty much all I need to say. When you have two blue-chippers like that, the rest of your defense just kind of tends to morph around them. As long as Garrett can restrain himself from using everyone’s helmets as melee weapons then I’m sure he’s in for another DPOY-level season. I also forgot they added Za’Darius Smith to their pass rushing attack, that’s just great. Defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz is promising to blitz 5 every fucking play and just rely on his talented defensive backs to hold it down. Doesn’t seem like the wisest plan in the world but hey if you’ve got the talent, fuck it.
If Deshaun manages to return to form, the Browns actually could compete for a division title this year. Joey B and Lamar might have something to say about that but each of these teams is weirdly flawed. At leas they unveiled some cool new white helmets so I don’t have to shield my eyes from the nasty uniforms they usually trot out there. Cleveland, this is for you.
The Armchair Experts 
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