I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the only team I didn’t get a season preview in for is my favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys. We’re already 2 weeks into the season, so obviously my predictions are going to Hell. But since I’m a man of character, you should be able to trust that all my offseason thoughts are coming to fruition (so far). Let me explain to you like a 5 year old why the Cowboys are gonna be hoisting that Lombardi in just a few months.
The Cowboys offense had a few shakeups this offseason. We said goodbye to our baby boy Kellen Moore, our beloved Zeke Elliot promoted Brian Schotten-whatever, let the fat boy call plays, and traded for Brandin Cooks. The absense of Amari Cooper really held us back from greatness last season. Ceedee emerged as a great #1 but when Noah Brown is your shotgun rider you’re gonna be pretttty limited especially when facing the fucking 49ers. Michael Gallup was good once upon a time but he was completely shot last season coming back from his ACL-tear. I’ve seen bo-legged babies create more separation than he ever did last season. Hopefully year 2 brings him back to his usual self (2 games in and… not much).
I’m also quite ready for the “Dak turnover machine” discourse to fucking stop. Last year was the only season of his career where he was throwing picks at a high clip like that. I don’t even mind a few interceptions here and there since that probably means he’s being aggressive down the field. Hey morons, you can live with a few extra turnovers when you also have a top-3 scoring offense in the league. We won’t be able to put up points if Dak turns into some cowardly “game manager” like the media wants. Keep throwing that fucking ball downfield into tight windows like a fucking man and let’s keep our pedal to the metal Mike. Through 2 games the offense has looked okay, but I would still like to see more aggression, especially in the redzone. Maybe let’s target Ceedee Lamb a few times down there? He seems pretty good I wonder what would happen if we let him try to get a touchdown.
Now time for the BIG story of this season: the Cowboys DEFENSE. They are way too good for me to not label them in all caps. We can start with the GOAT, Micah Parsons. So far he’s making a legitamate case for NFL MVP. That’s probably unlikely because for some reason we only give that award to QBs and RBs, but if anyone on defense has a shot it’s him. I can’t stop watching him every snap just fucking tearing games apart whenever he wants. He almost made Daniel Jones retire after week 1, and Zach Wilson was sitting right next to Aaron Rodgers in Hell this past weekend. Outside of Micah, we also have an elite secondary now thanks to the addition of Stephon Gillmore. Having a reliable guy opposite of Diggs has been so fucking awesome so far. Don’t forget about sneaky Daron Bland who keeps intercepting passes after he came alive at the end of last season. Our safeties are deep with Malik Hooker, Jayron Kearse, and Donovan Wilson. Honestly we really don’t have a noticeable weakness anywhere. If I had to point to one, I’d say the interior run defense but we tried to address that in the draft with Mazi Smith. I definitely wouldn’t mind trading another 6th round back for another body down there like we did Jonathan Hankins last year.
All I’m saying is people need to watch the fuck out this year. We’ve been 12-5 and got bounced by the 49ers each of the last 2 seasons, but please GOD not this year. This is probably the best Cowboys defense I’ve seen since I’ve been alive, and I might be ready to call Micah the best Cowboy I’ve ever seen (small sample size). My non-Cowboys friends definitely do not want to see what a post-Super Bowl version of me looks like. The world doesn’t want to see that, probably why I’ve been robbed of at least 2, maybe 3 SBs in my lifetime. If there is a God, he will make damn sure that 2023 ends with a Lombardi trophy in Dak Prescott’s hands…
2023 Record: 13-4
1st Place in NFC East
The Armchair Experts 
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