Here we are, week 3. I’m sick and ashamed with myself that I missed week 2 which is the most opportunistic (big word) time to take advantage of all the dumbass overreactions from week 1. I knew the Bills wouldn’t suck ass again and the Packers wouldn’t be as good as they showed but alas, I was cowardly and lazy- never again. Time to redeem myself with a perfect Sunday.
Minnesota Vikings -1.5 (+100) vs. Chargers
- Somehow it’s only week 3 and we already have our first loser leaves town match. Both of these teams are such loser franchises and it makes me sick because they both have too much talent to let this happen. Herbert is a great QB (I think) and has plenty of weapons to get the ball in the endzone. Kirk Cousins is Kirk Cousins but he has ridiculous weapons too, so there’s no excuse on either side for the 0-2 start. I’m taking the Vikings here simply because they’re at home and even though Brandon Staley is supposed to be some defensive “guru” the Chargers defense is ass and Minnesota should be able to put up points all day.
Miami Dolphins -6 (-106) vs. Denver Broncos
- I honestly can’t believe this line is only 6. Normally I don’t like skirting so close to a TD win but I don’t see how the Broncos offense can keep pace with Miami’s. Russel Fring is fucking awful and unless I get caught in a Dolphins fall back down to Earth game I’m feeling confident.
Bills @ Commanders O43.5
- I know the Bills offense can put up points in bunches, and I don’t really believe the Commies are a good team. However the Howelitzer just needs to start loading his clip with deep shots to Scary Terry and Jahan Dotson and I think this will smash. I don’t believe the Bills D is all that talented (shoutout Johnny Sins) so their end zone could be wide open all game (shoutout Brandi Love).
Houston Texans ML (+295) @ Jacksonville
- Here goes my longshot upset call of the week. I want it on the record that I won’t be surprised at all if JAX bounces back from their pathetic performance against the Chiefs last week and absolutely smashes Houston’s awful team. That being said, the Jags are currently at the top of my fraud watch rankings. Everyone talks about Trevor Lawrence like he’s some elite QB now and I’m not so sure that’s true yet. CJ Stroud has been fairly impressive and surprisingly his weapons aren’t 100% dogshit so that’s something. I like the odds here and if the Stroud Boys can rally and infiltrate Jacksonville’s home turf forecefully they might even have some crowd advantage.
Bijan Robinson O66.5 Rushing Yards vs. Detroit
- I still stand by that Arthur Smith belongs in prison for his crimes against Kyle Pitts, but if there’s one thing I can count on him to do it’s run the damn ball- over, and over, and over, and over again. My only fear is that he irrationally falls in love with Tyler Allgeier for no apparent reason and gives him half the workload. The Lions defense isn’t good and if Bijan can find the lanes running behind Left Tackle Kyle Pitts then this should be an easssyy mark for him to cross.
I’ve done it again. Another perfect weekend. I can smell 5-0 like a wet hot fart in a 100 degree car with leather seats. It’s quite pungent actually. Here we go fellas…
The Armchair Experts 
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