The only redeeming quality about this Monday is that we get not 1 but TWO Monday Night Football games to make us forget about the previous 10 hours of hell. I wouldn’t say any primetime games featuring the Giants and Titans are great but we have come to accept that MNF and TNF are Roger Goodell’s way of face fucking the entire football community in retribution for the hate he gets. Jokes on you Roger, I’m more than willing to stuff my face with beers and burn my wallet with picks that will predictably flame out. Every. Single. Week.
Tennessee Tits +13.5 @ Miami
- I’m sorry, 13.5 is just too many points for a primetime game. I’m sure if this was a 12 PM Sunday game the Dolphins would have no problem blowing the doors right off the Tits but when the whole world is watching, we’ll never get exciting touchdowns. Maybe Will Levis will surprise us and throw a couple “fuck it” balls just to tickle us a little bit.
Green Bay -5.5 @ New Jersey Giants
- Even though it’s a home game in the Meadowlands, I can’t believe the Packers aren’t favored here. Jordan Love has lowkey been really good the last few weeks and I have no idea why we’d expect that to stop against New York of all times. Remember that thing I said about not blowing teams out on primetime before? Well that theory goes out the window when the opposing team is starting Tommy Devito. This line could have been Packers -25 and I still would’ve hammered it. Jordan Love might wanna go into hiding for a few weeks after this though, not sure how the Italian mob will react to one of their own getting skull-fucked in front of the entire country (Shoutout the Devito family).
Tyreek Hill O111.5 Receiving Yards
- This line is just disgustingly high. Rarely do a WRs yardage props even crack 90 but this midget motherfucker has us gambling on him to crack the century mark and then some. There’s no way you’re going to catch me fading the father of the year on any given day though so I guess we have to ride with the over.
DeAndre Hopkins O54.5 Receiving Yards
- This one is pretty simple: I’m playing against DHop in fantasy in a must-win game so you can count on him to perform quite well. Number one rule of gambling is always hedge your emotional happiness.
Jayden Reed Any Time TD Scorer (+210)
- I really just want to root for someone to get in the endzone and I Reed honestly has the best combination of opportunity + odds tonight. Turns out FanDuel very much expects Tyreek Hill and DeVon Achance to find the end zone so no point in picking one of them. This will be the only time ever I want a Packers WR to score.
Green Bay Defense Any Time TD Scorer (+650)
- When you’re playing against Tommy DeVito you have to be prepared for anything. We’re not exactly sure what he has in store for us but we to build up the mental fortitude so he doesn’t send us into a convulsive shock. Fading the Giants offense is one of life’s greatest treasures and we can’t let this opportunity go to waste.
After reviewing all of these picks I have even less confidence than before but fuck it, we ride. I didn’t know Tommy DeVito’s agent looked like that and now I kind of want to bet the Giants. Oh well, such is life. A Wise man once told me to NEVER bet the Giants.
The Armchair Experts 
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