NFL Week 17 Mortal Locks of Eternity

The dwindling final days of the NFL season are slowly cascading upon us. For fantasy purposes, it’s championship weekend, and depending on how things play out it could be the last meaningful regular season football for some teams. Hopefully we get some good games and end the 2023 season with a BANG. Let’s mortal lock baby.

Baltimore Ravens -3 vs. Miami

• Both of these teams are coming off big wins last weekend, so I’m not sure who qualifies for the letdown spot. I simply think the Ravens are better than Miami and Lamar could all-but lock up the MVP award with a big performance. It’s gonna be a close game, hopefully the Ravens can keep Tyreek bottled up for a little.

Houston -4.5 vs. Tennessee

• The return of the prodigal son CJ Stroud is here. Will Levis got hurt recently so I don’t know what the Tits will be leaning on today. Derrick Henry always goes nuclear against the Texans but are those days behind him? For my sake I hope so because I’ll be facing him in the AEFL championship this afternoon.

San Francisco -14 @ Washington

• This line couldn’t be high enough. San Francisco revenge game is in full force, I bet they beat the fuck out of these guys today. Sam Howell has been yanked in and out of the starting lineup all week for some reason. They’re treating him like a dirty hooker and it’s unacceptable- but I shouldn’t expect any less from that disgusting franchise.

Arizona +12.5 @ Philadelphia

• I NEED Kyler Murray’s midget ass and the Cardinals to come through big time today. Dallas can take the 2 seed and actually host a playoff game if Philly drops one of the last 2. I have absolutely no faith that the New Jersey Giants will get it done so this burden rests on K1’s tiny shoulders. Will he come through? My money is saying YES.

Minnesota -1.5 vs. Green Bay

• The Vikings are reeling right now amidst ANOTHER QB change. They’re going back to Jaren Hall now after he got knocked out of 1 drive earlier in the season. No idea if he’s good or not but Nick Mullens was certainly not very good. I’ll be rooting for the purple people eaters though, fuck Green Bay.

For one of the last times this year, let’s have a regular season Sunday. It’s always a bittersweet time of year, there’s only a finite amount of NFL football we get to experience in our lives and I’m always making the MOST of it.