Super Bowl Preview

I took a hiatus last week due to my currently rotting in piss. Nevertheless, I am DONE with being a coward and it’s time to reinvigorate this blog that 10s of people read every year. Let’s do a quick preview of the Super Bowl before I give out my gambling picks later this week.

The entirety of America outside of 2 cities last week was rooting for a Ravens vs. Lions super bowl. That is precisely why we have been blessed with two of the most annoying teams, Kansas City and San Francisco. I don’t even know who the public is rooting for at this point. The Chiefs have annoyed the world to know end with their ridiculous complaining and non-stop Taylor Swift coverage. The Niners have hilariously been playing the underdog card for several weeks while they boast the best roster in the league. It’s the battle between two low public opinions and I’m gonna be kind of annoyed regardless of who wins, which is never a good spot to be in (that’s why I gamble).

Let’s quickly break down the roster advantages and position groups below.

Offensive Advantage: San Francisco

• In years past this would have been a crazy proclamation. It still feels weird calling the Patrick Mahomes-led team the lesser of the two offenses but the Niners have an embarassment of riches on this end. In fact, the only position the Chiefs have a real advantage at is QB (not going into OL cuz I’m not a nerd). Still, even while the Chiefs have been winning in the playoffs they’ve yet to really kill anyone’s defense. Mahomes and Kelce have made big plays but overall there is still a lack of points. I hate Brock Purdy but he’s good enough to get the ball to his playmakers and let them go to work.

Defensive Advantage: very close, but Kansas City

• If we’re just talking name values, then SF wins this one easily. I think most of social media doesn’t realize how good some of the Chiefs defenders are like McDuffie or Sneed or any of those off-brand cats. However as a complete unit I think the edge has to go to KC here. There are some sneaky-fraud warnings with the Niners D. The Cheif’s offense could just suck again and make them look good but teams have been moving the ball on the Niners in these playoffs. Let’s see if Patty can capitalize.

Special Team: Who fucking cares

• I guess I’ll go Chiefs because they have Harrison Butker. Otherwise, we won’t have to worry about this unless one team randomly returns a kick. Then we’ll hear the classic “3 phases of the game can’t forget” tweets from all the talking old heads.

Overall I think this is a pretty even matchup. The Niners definitely have a roster advantage but they don’t have the GOAT at QB. Everything is off the table when you’re going against Mahomes. Andy Reid vs. Kyle Shanahan is also probably the best coaching matchup in the league, so I’m not gonna give anyone a certain edge there.

My gut tells me the Niners win but my heart is telling me the Chiefs. As annoying as they have been this season, I ultimately don’t have any true ill will against them. Sure Taylor and Travis are way over-exposed but I’m not lame enough to really let that bother me. They’re also in the AFC and haven’t really hurt Dallas like San Fran has. I fucking hate San Francisco for the last three years and don’t think I can ever root for them again. It would be great to see Brock Purdy’s overrated ass crumble on the biggest stage and watch what a real QB can do. Oh well, I never get what I want so I’m expecting at least 400 yards and 3 TDs from him.

Be sure to tune in later this week for all my props and picks that will likely blow up in my face. Or don’t, I’m gonna be losing money either way.