NBA Saturday Playoff Predictions

It’s finally fucking Saturday, and I’m bringing the heat this time. I count down every miserable second at my desk job during the week just hoping and praying I make it to this moment right here. Cinco de Mayo was an epic failure on my part so I need to reconcile those mistakes with elite picks today. Nothing like a 2-0 Saturday in the NBA playoffs to cure a hangover. On the other hand, if I go 0-2 after last night I’ll probably kill myself. With that happy thought, let’s get this party started.

Miami – 4 vs. New York

• This is risky, because I don’t know what the hell is going on with Jimmy. Is he hurt? Is he fine? Is he going to go nuclear and drop 50 again? It’s kind of scary that I can literally see all 3 happening today. I’m really gonna need him to be that guy today because the Heat don’t have enough without him. Big booty Kyle Lowry is basically nothing on offense, I certainly don’t trust him. Am I really counting on Cody Martin and Max Struss to win money for me? I guess the answer is a resounding YES. Miami all the way.

Lakers -3.5 vs. Warriors

• I know this pick is doomed. I don’t feel good about this series at all anymore, and to be honest I see the Warriors winning this game pretty easily. The only reason I’m picking the Lakers is because I’m a loyal son of a bitch, and I’m timing Anthony Davis’s good games. He’s on an incredible every-other-game pace right now so that mean’s it’s time for him to become prime Shaq. The problem is, the rest of the media has discovered his dirty little humiliation fetish. We’ve realized what he’s doing and he hasn’t been taking as much heat this week. I truly don’t know if we’ve clowned him enough to get him all horned up and turn back into ADominant. If he shits the bed today though, people will turn on him with a quickness and we can expect 55 pts and 25 rbs in game 4. Fuck you Anthony, just be good twice in a row for fucks sake.

Only two games today, so I’m blessing all my dyslexi/illiterate readers with a short blog. I know Floyd would really appreciate this one. Honestly at this point in the world even 200 words might be too much. I guess that’s why we like Twitter. I need to figure out how to sum up my thoughts in 1 sarcastic sentence. Welp, I don’t think I have that in me. I guess I’ll never find success.

2-0 today baby you just gotta believe!!!