Let me just get ahead of this right now: the 49ers will bounce the Cowboys out of the playoffs yet again. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why, but these sadistic motherfuckers will find a way to ruin my life for the 3rd year in a row. No matter how good we are, no matter how stacked our roster is, the 49ers manage to be one step ahead. They have everything you could possible want (except a QB, kind of) in an NFL roster. Elite weapons, fantastic pass rush, creative head coach, badass uniforms, and a lot of history. They are honestly just the west coast devil version of the Cowboys and it makes me sick. The Heat Miser to our Snow Miser. Bet you weren’t expecting a Christmas reference in this preview. Let’s dive in to how these cowards are gonna break my soul again.
This offense is just laughably stacked. I feel confident in saying they have the best offensive weapons in the league and it’s not particularly close. They check every single box. Best Left Tackle in the league, most versatile RB in the league, top 3 TE in the league, and a pair of dynamic wide receivers. What the fuck man. You should not be allowed to have all that shit. The football Gods even cursed them when they traded up for Trey Lance a few years back. He was destined to be awful because if you threw a dynamite QB into the mix there just wouldn’t even be a point to playing the season. Thank you football Gods for saving my life. Also fuck you football Gods because you’ve made my life hell for over 20 years. The 49ers are so great on offense that they’ve somehow made it a bad thing to draft their players for fantasy. Sure everyone would want Christian McCaffrey, but how the hell am I supposed to know who to take between Deebo and Aiyuk? As great as George Kittle is, it never seems like there’s enough pie for him to put up big numbies. Sorry about that Georgie Boy, you should request a trade to come to Dallas and play for free- we’d love to have you.
The 49ers entire season is basically gonna come down to whether Brock Pretty I mean Purdy is actually worth a fuck or not. He was truly unbeleivable last year but no one can decide who to give credit to. Was it Kyle Shanahan? the great OLine? The weapons? I mean it has to be anybody but Purdy. We just can’t imagine a world where we let a really good NFL QB slip all the way to the last pick of the fucking draft and of course he falls into the 49ers lap. It’s really obnoxious how they can trade away or just flat out miss on their first round picks but then find random All-Pros like Talanoa Hufanga in the 5th fucking round. Fuck you San Francisco, honestly.
Speaking of All-Pros, the 49ers aren’t exactly short of those on the defensive side either. We can start with reigning defensive player of the year and Trump supporter / racist Nick Bosa. He’s really damn good and so is his brother- not exactly surprising if you’ve ever seen their roided out father. Next we can talk about the best linebacker in the league Fred Warner. Oh the 49ers have another guy whose the very best at his position? Imagine that. I already talked about Hufanga (never gonna pronounce that right). Don’t forget about Dre Greenlaw whose really good or new addition Javon Hargrave from Philly (fuck you Philly). I’m already sick of talking about how good these fuckers are. I’m literally embarassed for them that they didn’t win the super bowl last year. I don’t care if they had to start someone in a wheelchair at quarterback there is no excuse for less with that roster.
I just had to go wash my entire body with Old Spice body wash to get the nasty San Francisco scent off me after those words. I didn’t leave my room for 36 hours after they bounced us yet again back in January. If they do it again then this might honestly be my last season as an NFL fan. I cannot handle Roger Goodell mentally tormenting me season after season with San Francisco over Dallas scripts. I’m gonna need to exorcise these demons at some point in my life but it doesn’t seem like this is the year. Please fire Kyle Shanahan for no reason at all and trade all your great players for nuts and bolts. Please and thank you from every football fan in America (San Francisco is not America).
2023 Record: 14-3
1st Place in NFC West
The Armchair Experts 
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