• NBA Thursday Best Bets

    I’ve been away on a long hiatus due to vacation and a disturbingly painful illness. Nevertheless, I have been locked in to the world of NBA basketball. Just yesterday I was able to witness the glorious King James dominate the 4th quarter against the Clippers with a vintage GOAT performance. Can he follow it up tonight?

    Knicks +3.5 vs. Warriors

    • I know GS has turned it around as of late but the Knicks are still good and I like them at home. OG Anunoby being out kinda sucks but I trust Brunson in the Garden. The goofy Knicks are no more.

    OKC -11 @ San Antonio

    • The Spurs are complete dogshit and the Thunder are quite good. Road game or not they should win this one easily. It’s a battle between the lanky bastards in Chet vs. Wemby. Wemby is already better but SGA is by far the best player running around on this court tonight.

    Phoenix -8 vs. Houston

    • Houston had a surprisingly good start to the year but they’ve come back down to Earth and remain one of the worst road teams. No Bradley Beal tonight but what else is new.

    Denver -6.5 vs. Miami

    • Miami is angling for its 7th straight road win but I think that streak comes to an end tonight. the Nuggs have legit home court advantage with that stupid altitude. I see them taking care of business tonight.

    Not even gonna bother touching the Lakers game tonight. Last night took everything they had so I’m sure they’ll find a way to lose to the pathetic Wizards tonight. Betting spreads in the NBA is a fools game, but I’ve never been known to not be a fool. Hopefully I don’t get boned by any late game free throw shenanigans.

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  • NBA Wednesday Picks

    I’m running SUPER close on time here but I’m an extremely fast typer so I should be able to get my Wednesday NBA picks out on time (just kidding, these games are all on Thursday). Once or twice a week I’ll post a blog with some basketball picks for that night. If we have a big National TV Night I’ll try to focus on those. I really just want to ensure that I still feel something now that the NFL season is over. I can’t believe it’s really gone…

    Bucks -10 @ Memphis

    • A struggling Milwaukee Bucks team laying 10 on the road? Fuck it give it to me. Memphis has been so ass this year with Ja out and I don’t think tonight is the day they turn it around. Giannis should be able to take over easily and hit the hay early.

    Golden State -1 @ Utah

    • I have this sinking pit in my stomach from knowing that the Warriors’ season is about to turn around. You just can’t put these cats away and they’re once again right on the Lakers’ heels. Steph will probably drop another nuke right in the Mormon’s faces but at least I’ll be able to profit off him this time.

    Minnesota -8.5 @ Portland

    • Christ, am I taking 3 road favorites in one fucking night? There’s absolutely no way that doesn’t blow up in my face somehow but I’m trying to be smart here. The TWolves just covered this spread yesterday against the same team. I just checked my notes and yep the Blazers are still ASS. Minnysoda needs to start heating up if they want to lock down the 1-seed in the West (does that really matter at all though?).

    The NBA is so hard to bet on. I’m really just curious if I can make my Super Bowl winnings last until the playoffs. Thank God I cleaned house this Sunday. Never fade Patrick Mahomes as an underdog.

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  • Super Bowl Best Bets

    It’s the final time for the 2023 NFL season that we’ll be able to put money on a football game. That means I’ll be sad until September begrudgingly rolls back around. I still have basketball season for another few months before the purgatory really begins. Still, let’s try and enjoy this super bowl by making some money on these annoying-ass teams.

    Chiefs MONEYLINE vs. 49ers

    • I made this bet as soon as the line dropped but I wish I hadn’t. I don’t truly believe the Chiefs are gonna win this game but I just couldn’t bet against Patrick Mahomes again. I’d love to see Brock Purdy fail but it’s just been that bastards year. I can’t win.

    Patrick Mahomes to win Super Bowl MVP

    • If the Chiefs win this game Patrick Mahomes will likely win the MVP and the odds are a little better. I’m already trapped with my stupid Chiefs bet so I’m foreced to take correlated outcomes.

    Coin Toss: HEADS

    • Wouldn’t be a super bowl without a big whale on the coin toss. Only pussies pick tails so that’s clearly what I won’t be riding with today. Real ones stick with heads.

    Gatorade Color: Yellow Lime/Green

    • Always take the color with the longest odds. That’s hit like 4 or 5 yeards in a row so we might as well just stick with the trend. Here’s hoping I don’t ride with that mentality the one year it doesn’t cash.

    I’m late for my super bowl party which means these are all the bets I’m writing about today. They’re also the only ones I actually placed and my integrity won’t allow me to deliver you fake picks. All 3 people who read this post will certainly be happy with the results I’m sure. Let’s try and enjoy the Super Bowl, I guess.

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  • Super Bowl Preview

    I took a hiatus last week due to my currently rotting in piss. Nevertheless, I am DONE with being a coward and it’s time to reinvigorate this blog that 10s of people read every year. Let’s do a quick preview of the Super Bowl before I give out my gambling picks later this week.

    The entirety of America outside of 2 cities last week was rooting for a Ravens vs. Lions super bowl. That is precisely why we have been blessed with two of the most annoying teams, Kansas City and San Francisco. I don’t even know who the public is rooting for at this point. The Chiefs have annoyed the world to know end with their ridiculous complaining and non-stop Taylor Swift coverage. The Niners have hilariously been playing the underdog card for several weeks while they boast the best roster in the league. It’s the battle between two low public opinions and I’m gonna be kind of annoyed regardless of who wins, which is never a good spot to be in (that’s why I gamble).

    Let’s quickly break down the roster advantages and position groups below.

    Offensive Advantage: San Francisco

    • In years past this would have been a crazy proclamation. It still feels weird calling the Patrick Mahomes-led team the lesser of the two offenses but the Niners have an embarassment of riches on this end. In fact, the only position the Chiefs have a real advantage at is QB (not going into OL cuz I’m not a nerd). Still, even while the Chiefs have been winning in the playoffs they’ve yet to really kill anyone’s defense. Mahomes and Kelce have made big plays but overall there is still a lack of points. I hate Brock Purdy but he’s good enough to get the ball to his playmakers and let them go to work.

    Defensive Advantage: very close, but Kansas City

    • If we’re just talking name values, then SF wins this one easily. I think most of social media doesn’t realize how good some of the Chiefs defenders are like McDuffie or Sneed or any of those off-brand cats. However as a complete unit I think the edge has to go to KC here. There are some sneaky-fraud warnings with the Niners D. The Cheif’s offense could just suck again and make them look good but teams have been moving the ball on the Niners in these playoffs. Let’s see if Patty can capitalize.

    Special Team: Who fucking cares

    • I guess I’ll go Chiefs because they have Harrison Butker. Otherwise, we won’t have to worry about this unless one team randomly returns a kick. Then we’ll hear the classic “3 phases of the game can’t forget” tweets from all the talking old heads.

    Overall I think this is a pretty even matchup. The Niners definitely have a roster advantage but they don’t have the GOAT at QB. Everything is off the table when you’re going against Mahomes. Andy Reid vs. Kyle Shanahan is also probably the best coaching matchup in the league, so I’m not gonna give anyone a certain edge there.

    My gut tells me the Niners win but my heart is telling me the Chiefs. As annoying as they have been this season, I ultimately don’t have any true ill will against them. Sure Taylor and Travis are way over-exposed but I’m not lame enough to really let that bother me. They’re also in the AFC and haven’t really hurt Dallas like San Fran has. I fucking hate San Francisco for the last three years and don’t think I can ever root for them again. It would be great to see Brock Purdy’s overrated ass crumble on the biggest stage and watch what a real QB can do. Oh well, I never get what I want so I’m expecting at least 400 yards and 3 TDs from him.

    Be sure to tune in later this week for all my props and picks that will likely blow up in my face. Or don’t, I’m gonna be losing money either way.

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  • NFL Conference Title Weekend Picks

    Today is conference championship Sunday. We’ve honestly got two great matchups between the Lions/Niners and Chiefs/Ravens. I’m definitely more excited for the AFC game because it features the 2 best QBs in the league in Mahomes and Lamar. The Lions and Niners boast strong rosters but I still think they’re trotting out two bozos at QB with Goff and Purdy. Goff has earned the respect of many this season and rightfully so, but he’s still goofy at times and I think most people know Prudy is ass at this point. Let’s see where we can make some money today.

    Ravens -4.5 vs. Chiefs

    • This is the bet I’m most confident in today but I still get a sick feeling betting against Mahomes. The Ravens are without a doubt the better team, and Lamar is the league MVP. There aren’t many football reasons they shouldn’t win this game- they have the advantage at almost every position group. I just have to pray Grim Reaper Mahomes doesn’t show his ugly face tonight. I could really use a stinker.

    Niners -7 vs. Lions

    • I feel like a pussy going chalk with the favorites today but I have no choice. My heart wants to take the Lions and I’d much rather them win than San Francisco, who is annoying as fuck these days. I’ve been flirting with the ML all week but ultimately I know San Fran is the play today. They got their stinker out against the Packers last week and the Lions defense isn’t good enough to slow them down. Unless Purdy has a classic ass showing I don’t see Detroit advancing to the bowl.

    I’d like to have more picks but with less games this is all I’m rolling with today. Explore your options on touchdown props or whatever but place the nukes on the spread. Giant nuclear missle whale parlay alert on these two games. I seriously need a win right now- still haven’t recovered from Wild Card Weekend Devastation. Good luck to the rest of the bafoons.

  • NFL Divisional Saturday Picks

    It’s officially Divisional Round weekend. My heart is still in pieces after the ultimate Cowboys letdown and Mike McCarthy retention news but I must continue to press on. There aren’t many people in this world as tough as me anymore. Shoutout to myself for displaying extreme bravery and courage this past week. Let’s focus on the other picks.

    Baltimore Ravens -9.5 vs. Houston

    • Per Bill Simmon’s gambling manifesto: don’t bet an underdog spread unless you think they can win (they can’t) and beware of the team that looked to great in round 1. Lamar is here to take some ass and there’s no way the Texans dominante AGAIN in round 2. Lamar poop game incoming.

    San Francisco -10 vs. Green Bay

    • Read the previous paragraph and understand the gambling manifesto rules apply to this game as well. Fuck Green Bay for what they did to us last week, and in 2016 and 2014. Actually fuck San Francisco too for what they’ve done the last 3 years. I wish both teams could lose this game, I hate them equally as much these days.

    CJ Stroud to throw an interception (-158)

    • CJ has notoriously not thrown many picks this season but I can see it so clearly today. The Ravens defense is the best in the league and they’re gonna rattle the rookie early. All the Texans fans will be surprised when this happens and I will laugh at them. Little brother franchise.

    CJ Stroud O235.5 Passing Yards

    • This is a garbage time stat. I think the Ravens will take the lead early and hold it most of the game. The bigger the lead gets the softer the defense will play and we love that for passing overs because it’s free yards. Don’t let his statline fool you at the end of this one.

    Those are all the plays for today. I can’t bring myself to place money on either the Niners or Packers because that would mean I have a vested interest in one of those team’s success. I hate them with all of my heart, and I pray neither will be the NFC representative in the super bowl Today, it’s Raven’s Flock let’s fly.

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  • Mike McCarthy is Staying Another Year

    Welp, 2024 is already another year down the shitter. I didn’t think it could get any worse after Sunday’s debacle against the Packers until Jerry Jones just announced that Mike McCarthy is coming back for ANOTHER year. I fucking hate my life.

    Cowboys fans have been suffering for a long time now, but I don’t know if anything has been harder than the last 3 years in my lifetime. Every year we’ve had a super bowl caliber roster and every year we’ve fallen short, and it feels like it’s because of that fat piece of shit. In the biggest games, regular season or playoffs, our offense implodes. This guy’s supposed bread and butter is offensive output and it simply doesn’t matter against any team with a pulse.

    I don’t know why we’d go into next season expecting anything other than eventual failure. It’s nice to see Cowboys nation rise up in hate against this guy because it’s so fucking frustrating knowing nothing is gonna change. The worst part is McCarthy is gonna throw some coordinator or other staff member under the bus to scapegoat. He’ll continue to hire his friends that might’ve been decent coaches in the early 2000s but got left behind by the game many years ago.

    I’m getting even angrier as I’m writing this just thinking about all the great coaches available in this cycle. Harbaugh, Belicheck, Vrabel, Ben Johnson, Mike MacDonald, and I’m sure plenty of others that would be DEFINITE upgrades over our loser coach. I simply cannot imagine what is running through Jerry Jones 80 year mind sometimes when it comes to making critical decisions. I mean this one isn’t even hard it’s staring him right in the fucking face.

    I guess the only silver lining is that it’e been rumored we wouldn’t hire anyone that’s actually better. I’ve given McCarthy his flowers on here before for being decent enough to win games but all that goodwill is gone now. People already clown us enough for not making a conference championship in 28 years but next season is going to feel almost meaningless until the playoffs. No matter how good we look, how good Dak plays it won’t matter. And I’m not even convinced we’re gonna be very good this year after all this negative momentum carrying us into the offseason.

    Vibes are incredibly low right now for Cowboys fans, and that won’t be changing as long as that giant asshole is coaching our football team. I’m so excited for more pre-historic play designs and lacklaster showings on the biggest stages. Yippee.

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  • Wild Card Weekend Saturday Picks

    The NFL Playoffs are finally upon us. We have actually been blessed with a pretty exciting opening weekend with some solid matchups in the wild card. Aside from being forced to watch the Steelers this weekend I’d say just about every team deserves to be here. Let’s see where we can make some money on the Saturday slate.

    Cleveland -2.5 @ Houston

    • This game might just come down to the decade old question: is Joe Flacco elite? Because if so Cleveland is going to the Super Bowl. Flacco has managed to make every game he’s played in electric with multiple touchdowns and picks every weekend. He’s also somehow undefeated in the Wild Card round (5-0). I really do like the Texans and CJ Stroud is very good but let’s be honest they weren’t supposed to be here and the expectations are gone. Maybe playing free with house money will allow them to be loose and actually play great but roster wise they should just be out matched.

    Kansas City -4.5 vs. Miami

    • The Ice Bowl is making a comeback as temperatures are nearing record lows in Kansas City tonight. There is just no way the Dolphins are gonna roll up there in those candy-ass uniforms and beat Kansas City in freezing temperatures. Tua exposed himself last week in a non-perverted way that he’s a shitty quarterback. McDaniel can mask his flaws with scheme but I doubt that translates as well when you can’t feel your hands or fingers. Hopefully we at least get a few points in the middle of this natural disaster.

    Amari Cooper U78.5 Receiving Yards

    • Amari Cooper doesn’t have big games on the road. I’ll never understand it because it makes no sense but he’s a home run hitter at home. This game is being played on turf so maybe that comes back to bite me but I’m going with all the historical evidence today.

    David Njoku O57.5 Receiving Yards

    • Since getting burned by actual fire Njoku has been a tear. He’s finally evoliving into the great weapon he was always supposed to be and it’s exciting to watch. He looks like a giant beast out there, a man amongst boys and I’m expecting no less than 57 yards today (please).

    Only two games today so I’m saving the big plays for tomorrow. I kind of feel like a pussy for just taking the two favorites but since I have no dogs in these fights I can bet with my head for once. Tomorrow is going to be all heart (please don’t fuck me Dallas). Let’s enjoy some playoff NFL football baby.

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  • Cowboys vs. Commies Preview

    Today is a big day for Cowboys Nation. A win against the dirty Commies will clinch the NFC East and the No. 2 seed in the NFC. That would mean home field advantage all playoffs sans San Francisco. Since we apparently can’t win for shit on the road that’s a pretty big deal for us this year. Will the Boys be able to take care of business?

    Last time we played Washington in Week 18 (last year) we completely shit the bed and lost by 20. I don’t recall us having anything to play for but still losing to the Commies by any capacity is disgusting and I can’t believe we did that. Earlier this season we beat the piss out of them on Thanksgiving 45-10. That’s a great memory because it’s also the game DaRon Bland broke the pick-6 record.

    I don’t see another avalanche like that coming but there’s no reason we shouldn’t take care of business today. We’re playing all our starters and the gameplan should be simple: get the ball to 88. CeeDee Lamb broke Michael Irvin’s single season reception and yards records last week with an incredible 13 catch/200-yard performance. It’s quite a wonder what happens when you get your best player the ball on offense. If I see a lot of runs up the middle today on 1st down it might be my last day on this Earth. Mike McCarthy just forgets sometimes that the offense rides through the air. Our run game has been shite all season but for some reason he keeps trying to “establish” it.

    I’m not enough of a football nerd to understand what happened to the run game from an X’s and O’s perspective but it just doesn’t fucking work. Tony Pollard doesn’t have the same burst as last year since breaking his leg and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Mix in some runs every now and then sure why not but this offense needs to power through 4, 88, and 3. They’ve been the only consistent playmakers all season and if Mike doesn’t remember that again it’s gonna be another disappointing playoff run.

    I don’t wanna talk about the defense much. I think they’re overrated as a unit but they usually make big splash plays against bad teams. If we can get a lead early I expect us to turn up the heat on Sam Howell. Maybe get some sacks, a few turnovers yada yada yada. Playing with a lead is gonna be key all playoffs. We don’t want to put these guys in a position where they have to make a stop on a last-minute drive. I certainly don’t trust them to do that.

    Let’s try and enjoy the last regular season Sunday of the year. A lot of games don’t even matter today so in my mind the regular season really ended last week. This is a sad shitty time of year where we’re close to losing the greatest thing in the world. There’s only a finite amount of football we get to experience in our lives, and I’m going to savor every second of it today.

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  • NFL Saturday Perfect Picks

    We are being blessed with another NFL Saturday. The downside of that blessing is we have to watch the Steelers (gross) and the Ravens without Lamar (gross). The primetime game between the Xans and Colts is literally a playoff game and the main event- it better live up to the hype or I’ll have wasted another Saturday on the couch. It’s important that we make money today, let’s lock in.

    Pittsburgh Steelers -3 @ Baltimore

    • I know Lamar is out today but it’s still kind of wild Vegas has enough faith in the Steelers to favor them. Mason Rudolph has been fine I guess? It could easily be argued that Tyler Huntley is still better. This is essentially a “hungry dog runs faster game” since the Steelers are fighting for a playoff spot and the Ravens already have the 1 seed locked up. However we can’t discount how much the Ravens love to win and break records in meaningless games (see pre-season win streak).

    George Pickens 80+ Yards (+280)

    • For the Steelers to win Georgie Boy is gonna have to have a big game. It’s a shame this game isn’t being played in Pickensburgh but I trust he’ll bring his dog on the road. He’s the kinda guy who can cash this in 1 play or literally get less than 10 yards. Never know what to expect- I love it.

    Najee Harris Anytime TD Scorer +140

    • Najee sucks dick but as the starting RB he’s got a shot at paydirt anytime they’re in red zone territory. It might take him 3-4 tries from the 1 yard line but all that matters is he punches it in just once (no offense to Ray Rice).

    Houston Texans -1.5 @ Colts

    • There is literally no way the Stroud Boys can lose on January 6. This is a one year anniversery that was simply etched into human destiny. God took his time writing this year’s NFL script and true StroudBoys know it can only end one way today.

    CJ Stroud O266.5 Passing Yards

    • This line is so high but per my StroudBoy Oath I will never cower away in fear from those who would oppose us. He’s going to be breaching all aspects of the Colts D and put up major resistance when their pass protectors try to get them out of the secondary. He’s going where he’s not welcome today, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    I went 4-1 last weekend but even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once it a while. Real men can hit the square peg twice. I can’t wait to find another nut today.