• Final NBA Play In Picks

    The moment we’ve all been waiting for. This has been an up-and-down week for me to say the least. Once again, I was on the wrong side of the Atlanta Hawks. The Lakers and ADisappointment let me down (shocker). I thought I was horribly wrong on the Bulls yet again before they stormed back to cash me out. Then, I inexplicably pick OKC and they cover, but JScrub fumbles the bag. What a week! I can’t wait to get in line for another roller coaster Friday. I sure do love gambling.

    Bulls +5.5 (-110) @ Miami

    • The Bulls have been one of my kryptonite teams this year. I almost feel like I’m picking them now out of gratitude for their heroic efforts on Wednesday. I was raised right and my parents taught me loyalty as a child. They had my back, and I will now ride with them to the bitter end. On the road, in the hot stinky Cuban streets of Miami, underdogs in a foreign land. I gamble with my heart, always have. I’m with you Chicago. I’m with you more than Obama ever was.

    Thunder +5.5 (-112) @ Minnesota

    • Am I really doing this shit again? I DESPISE the OKC Thunder. Yet here I am, picking them in back2back games. I guess the only explanation is that I hate Rudy Gobert more. I know he’s not even playing in this game because he’s a coward, and the French literally surrender in every war. I’d rather have a massage therapist rub a cheesegrater on my nutsack than put money on a team that has Rudy Gobert. The NBA isn’t going to catch me lacking. I think we all know the moral of the story here: never trust the French.

    DeMar Derozan O22.5 (-113)

    • If I’m riding with the Bulls, I gotta ride with the OG. There is no way the guy with the coolest name in the league is letting me down. He’s as old faithful as they come. I like it when my bets correlate, and if the Bulls are gonna pull this out, Mr. Comp10 is going to have to step the fuck up. Cmon cmon.

    Jalen Williams O15.5 (+100)

    • THAT’S RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS. I’m back with the same fucking bet!! I hate Jalen Williams’ guts right now, but here I am back in his fucking corner. The trick here is to fade my hatred. It has been proven repeatedly that love is more powerful than hate. Well, I love to hate things. If we follow that logic, since I hate this fucking guy and the fact that he screwed me last time, it means I love his chances to do me right this time. Let’s fucking go Jalen you son of a bitch! I fucking hate you, so on Friday I fucking love you!!!!

    Can we have our first ever 4-0 day? Yes we can. Will we? Probably not.

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  • The Perfect Exercise Routine

    What’s the most fun way to exercise?

    I think the most fun way to exercise is to not exercise at all. I’m at my absolute happiest when I haven’t moved for hours. I’m not a religious man, but if Heaven does exist, I know it will simply be me, my couch, a plate full of wings on my TV-tray, and perpetual sports on the television. Perhaps a Dr. Pepper in my Lazy Boy cup holder.

    Don’t let this routine fool you- it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s just as hard to do absolutely nothing all the time than it is to be physically active all the time. Sometimes, after I’ve consumed 20+ hours of sports in a weekend and not moved a single muscle in my body, I feel like giving up. I can feel my limbs aching for any type of nutrition or stimulation. But do I give up? Do I give in to the pressure? No.

    I refuse to listen to the doctors, the trainers, and worst of all: the social media influencers. I will NOT live my life just like everyone else. I will not be a cog in the great big factory that we call society. I’m one of the elite, the proud, and the brave. There aren’t many of us left out there. There are too many forms of stimulation that have led many distracted men off the forbidden path. I’ve bonded my soul to this life so that I may be a beacon for those who follow. Do not fret, fellow couch potatoes, for there is a still a place in this world for us. A place where we can be free, where we can be happy. That place is our couch. When it calls, we MUST answer. A new generation is upon us, let us help them see the light (specifically, the LED lights on the brand new Sony 4K flat-screen television).

    Be brave, be strong. Listen to that little armchair expert inside of you. We have one in all of us. God bless you, and God bless our couches.

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  • NBA Wednesday Play-In Picks

    I’m currently in the middle of watching my Miami Heat pick go up in flames. The Lakers haven’t started yet so that feeling of disapointment will have to come later. I’m so discouraged that I thought about not giving out picks today, but fear not. I am back once again in an incredible display of bravery and heroism. I will not rest until I have another undefeated week. And even after that, I will not rest because all my winnings will immediately go back to more picks.

    Bulls +5 @ Toronto

    • Ah the Bulls. Yet another team that I’m always on the wrong fucking side of. I’m picking these guys for one reason and one reason only: Patrick Beverly aka the “Play-In Price.” We’re coming up on the one year anniversery of his spectacular celebration from winning the play-in last year. If he brings that same championship mentality this year the Bulls will be unbeatable. Anything is possible, and I beleive in you Patrick.

    Thunder +5.5 @ New Orleans

    • The New Orleans Pelicans without Zion are a crime against humanity. They are disgusting to watch and I will never pick them. I can smell the Brandon Ingram “I got this” vibes all over this game. I have a personal vendetta against the Thunder (and always have) so it feels like I’m betraying myself with this pick. However, I am a fucking rat who will do anything to make a buck, and if pissing away all my morals and principles is what it takes then so be it. Sometimes it takes a scumbag to win it all.

    Jalen Williams O15.5 Points (-118)

    • I can’t believe I’m making this fucking bet. I coined the term “JScrub” several weeks ago and I’ve stuck by it ever since. One of my favorite pastimes is telling Thunder Twitter that this guy is trash. I am once again betraying everything I hold dear and true. I hope none of the trolls read this blog because they will make me eat my Twitter words. HOWEVER, if this motherfucker does not cash this bet, I will unleash hell on OKC Twitter. He will forever be JScrub and I will not ever give him an ounce of respect. The pressure is officially on.

    I’m already 0-1 on Tuesday’s picks. We need some positive vibes going into tomorrow. Go Bulls, Thunder, and Scrub.

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  • NBA Tuesday Play-In Picks

    It’s time for everyone’s favorite tournament: the NBA play-in. If I had to guess, I’d say more people look forward to the play-in every year than March Madness. It’s just that good. Like always, I am here to deliver scientifically-backed picks that are guaranteed to win because they are backed by science. Let’s see whose season will end tomorrow.

    Miami -5 vs. Atlanta

    • I am nothing if not consistent. I am many things, and one of those things is a Trae Young hater. In fact, it came out this afternoon that he’s pretty much on the trade block in the ATL. It seems that his teammates, coach, and now front office offically hate him now. I can’t really see him giving a fuck in this game, and that’s a bad recipe considering he’s going against the ultimate fuck-giver, Jimmy Butler. Miami always wins these dog fight games and I’m not gonna bet against them now. The only thing that makes me scared here is I’ve been on the wrong side of Atlanta every time I’ve included them in a bet. To spinzone that, it’s just as hard to be wrong about a team every time than right. Either way, you should know which side to be on after reading this.

    Lakers -8 vs. Minnesota

    • Oh yeah, you knew this was coming. There is no way I’m fading Lebron in a do-or-die situation. Minnesota also did a bang-up job at completely collapsing during game 82 this weekend. Rudy Gobert punched Kyle Anderson, Jaden mKDaniels broke his hand on a wall, and Anthony Edwards essentially told the Front Office, “Trade me.” It was announced today that Gobert has been suspended for this game, which might actually hurt the Laker’s chances. He really is just one of the shittiest players in the league. I really like Anthony Edwards and get so upset when I think about the Wolves trading the entire structure of their franchise for Adolf Gobert. If they somehow win this game and make the playoffs so we have to keep seeing him, it may be the worst thing to happen to mankind in human history.

    Anthony Davis O25.5 Points

    • Well, the only good thing about Rudy being suspended is that AD will be guarded by the Kitty KAT all night. If you’ve ever seen Kitty-Anthony Towns play defense then you know AD is in for a big night. I’m looking for him to continue the revenge tour he’s been on since March. If the Lakers actually want a shot at the title then he needs to permanently graduate from ADisappointment to ADominance. The more I think about this the more I get Lock of the Century vibes. Those don’t come around very often, only like once a century or so. Hammer Hammer HAMMER.

    I’ll see you guys tomorrow for my Wednesday playoff picks, hopefully off of a 3-0 start. Ride with the Armchair.

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  • The Mavericks Have Officially Blown It

    LMAOOOOOOOOO. The impossible has happened. The Dallas Mavericks have officially been eliminated from the PLAY-IN. Who could’ve seen this coming? If only there was an extremely smart man who could have written a blog after the Kyrie Irving trade detailing why that wasn’t gonna work and the season was in shambles. If only we knew someone like that.

    The Mavericks make me hate basketball. I’d love to blame Kyrie Irving for everything here, but unfortunately, I don’t think I can. While it is hilarious that they got much worse after the trade, and he once again hasn’t won a single thing without Lebron, I think it might be more coincidence this time. Unless he was starting geo-political wars inside the locker room which caused them to protest playing defense and passing, we’ll give Kyrie a slight pass.

    Even the Tank hates MFFL.

    I have several friends who are Mavs “fans” and they have several opinions about who shares the blame. We’ll start with Dwight Powell, who might be the most hated man in Dallas. Man the MFFL are REALLY sick of this guy’s shit. There is a pretty funny tweet that details their record with and without Dwight Powell and it’s lowkey kind of staggering. If this motherfucker is really impacting the game that much then yeah I’d say it’s a problem. I don’t doubt he’s ass but everyone making him the scapegoat is pretty funny.

    Hilarious quote by Jason Kidd.

    The next big MFFL victim is Jason Kidd. I don’t even know why people are acting shocked by this one. Jason Kidd has been ass basically his whole career, and we’ve got plenty of examples. The Bucks literally became perennial title contenders the day Kidd left and Coach Bud walked in. The only slick coaching thing Jason Kidd ever did (accidental rhyming) was bump into his player and spill his water to get an extra timeout. If only he had that kind of brilliance on a day-to-day basis. I can’t imagine Mr. Kidd will be the coach in Dallas much longer. Sad.

    Personally, I am officially placing the blame on Slovenian King, Luka Doncic. A few of his antics are really starting to get old. For one, he literally complains to a referee after every single play. I’m a Lebron guy, so I’m used to some good ole fashioned complaining. There has to be some type of line though. I think part of it is he kind of has an annoying fat face now. I saw a pic of him from like 2 years ago and he was WAY skinnier. All that complaining is making Luka fat and ruining my belief in him.

    I also don’t think Luka’s playstyle is sustainable in the playoffs. He has the ball almost 100% of the time. We’ve seen Russell Westbrook and James Harden try this shit, and it does work to an extent (except this year). But, as a former role player on my middle school basketball team, I know how hard it is to find a rhythm and be effective just standing and watching someone else have the ball all the time. Pairing that style with Kyrie was just obviously not going to work. I don’t feel bad for the Mavs because they’re morons and they play shit basketball that pisses me off.

    The coward is already forcing his way out.

    Rot in piss 2023 Dallas Mavericks. Enjoy Bullock Island.

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  • Will the Cowboys Draft a WR?

    It’s time to take a break from the hardwood and get back on the gridiron. With the NFL Draft quickly approaching, my mind can’t help but wonder what my beloved Dallas Cowboys will do. We’ve been pretty solid at drafting in the last decade, definitely better than most teams. Off the dome I’d say were a top 5 drafting team, we just usually don’t use other ways to get better like free agency or trades. Regardless, as long as we don’t have another Taco Charlton on our hands we should be fine. Let’s dig in.

    Dallas has apparently taken a significant amount of their top 30 visits looking at WRs.

    Here’s a complete list of everyone we’ve visited so far (via CBS Sports). Let’s focus on a couple of these guys.

    Zay Flowers, Boston College

    • From what I understand, it’s very unlikely this guy falls to us at 26. That automatically makes me want him more. There’s no better feeling than a guy falling to you out of nowhere (I’ll never forget you Ceedee Lamb draft night). Every podcast and tweet seems to say this guy is really good. I’m not one of the 8 Boston College fans in America so I can’t say I’ve really evaluated this guy properly. I’m immediately scared that he has the same height/weight measurables as me, a blogger. I always beware teams trying to chase the ‘next Tyreek Hill.’ Unless this guy is just one compact muscle squished together and can move faster than my perception then he’s not Tyreek Hill. I wouldn’t be mad at it, but I don’t think I’ll ever be hyped about drafting someone from Boston College.

    Quentin Johnston, TCU

    • My immediate reaction: ew, fuck no. This guy is such a fraud, and he comes from a fraud University. I will swear by the fact that his body type has tricked people into thinking he’s a first-round WR. He looks just like the prototypical X receiver except he doesn’t have the traits to back it up. I’m an OU fan, so unfortunately I’ve seen TCU play plenty of times, and I’m familiar with his game. He also basically dropped every pass at his pro day. If we draft this guy I will kill myself.

    Jalin Hyatt, Tennessee

    • Jalin Hyatt aka Mr. Fast Guy aka Mr. 5 TDs against Bama. That’s about the extent of my knowledge of this guy. I love the idea of adding speed to our offense. Like a fatass at the beach, we rarely take the top off. I like this pick a lot more if it’s not in the 1st round. If we can get him in round 2 or later, I wouldn’t mind, but I’d prefer to invest in O-line or D-line early than this guy. He seems like a pure speed, gadget type of guy, and I prefer to avoid those personally. I like the well-rounded guys that bring multiple things to the table. I guess that might be too much to ask for at fucking pick 26.

    Tank Dell, Houston

    • The name Tank Dell already screams elite. I don’t have to know anything about this guy to tell you that he’s probably small and fast as fuck. I haven’t seen this guy mocked to R1 so if we can pick up later in the draft I suppose I wouldn’t complain.

    My favorite WR in this class is Jaxon Smith-Njigba. It seems very unlikely at this point that Dallas could get him without trading up. I know he’s basically another Ceedee Lamb, but I ask you this: what’s better than 1 Ceedee Lamb? 2 Ceedee Lambs. Every Ohio State WR and coach has said this guy is the real fucking deal. He was the best guy in a locker room with Chris Olave and Garrett Wilson. He’s a slot guy that can just get open and your QBs best friend. I don’t even care that he runs a 4.8 40. The 40-yard dash is the most overrated bullshit when evaluating players. This guy is quick as fuck and football speed does NOT equal track speed. He also has a cool name and comes from a popular school. He should be a Cowboy.

    If anyone would like to comment about who they think Dallas should draft, that’d be cool.

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  • NBA Tuesday Picks Preview

    Welp, we finally took a hit this past Sunday with a 1-2 record on the day. I knew it in my heart the Mavs were going to let me down, but I went with them anyway. The biggest pain is, they were actually the right pick. They had like 4 free throws down 2 to either go to OT or win the game. I shouldn’t be surprised they found a way to just absolutely fucking BLOW it. Way to go Dallas, enjoy the lottery. Remember: it’s just as hard to go 1-2 as it is to go 2-1. Fall down 7 times, get back up 8. Time for a big baller type of week.

    PHI -1.5 (-110) vs. Boston

    • You know my rule: Fuck Boston sports. I hate the Celtics and will never pick them ever. I also think this is a bad matchup for them. The Sixers just got their asses handed to them by the Bucks, and you know Joel Embiid will be out for blood. The C’s don’t have anyone that can really match up to him. I also like that the Sixers will be at home in front of their homicidal crowd.

    SAC ML (+104) @ New Orleans

    • This is another game that scares be because I feel like I’m just seeing the board too clearly. Why would NOLA be favored? Is it because they’re at home? I believe in the Kings offense. I know the Pels have been pretty good recently but overall I still think they’re kind of garbage without Zion. The Kings are all about the 3 P’s which are Points, Points, Points!! If you’re a pussy feel free to take the +1.5, the grown men will be chasing the ML tomorrow.

    Chi -2.5 @ Atlanta

    • Again, am I taking fucking crazy pills? The Hawks are dog shit and we all know it. The Bulls, weirdly enough, are on some kind of strange hot streak right now. I’ve been on the wrong end of it twice already, so I know it will fuck me by switching to the other side. However, the Hawks have been within 1 game of .500 for a ridiculously long time now—no reason to start believing in them now so I’ll be riding with Obama and Chi-Town tomorrow.

    As of right now there aren’t any player props available on FanDuel. I don’t know why they’re lagging behind like a peg-legged Grandma at the grocery store but you’ll just have to settle for the regular old game spreads. I can feel another 3-0 day in my bones. I might want to get that strange sensation checked out by a doctor, but I don’t want him to prescribe me some medicine that makes it go away. Even if that tingling is a life-threatning disease, I won’t let it interfere with my weekly picks. Sorry Doc, I’m an American- of the People, by People, for the People, EAGLE!!!

    Only real ones will get that last reference
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  • NBA Sunday Picks

    I’m not sure if you guys have taken notice, but I’m on a nice little hot streak right now, We’ve won 7 in a row. Only problem is, I’m starting to feel the pressure a little bit. I know I’m good, but am I really this good? Well, I’ve never backed down from a challenge. I’m going to look at the board, and face it from my couch like a fucking man.

    Grizzlies -2.5 (-110) @ Chicago

    • The Rizzly Grizzlies are on a nice little hot streak right now. They’re 8-2 in they’re last 10. I don’t think the Bulls are going to be the guys to break it this Sunday. I never believe that teams are ever going to win basketball games by less than 2 points, so I’m not scared of a little hook.
    How can they lose with this fucking guy?

    Mavericks ML +128 @ Atlanta

    • God this is my fucking least favorite game of the day. I can’t believe I’m doing this, but it’s time to let my fucking nets HANG. The Mavs are in absolute freefall right now. They literally just lost last night, and now on the second night of a back to back, I’m picking them to win outright against the Hawks. My only reasoning is that I have to fade Trae Young. This pick dates all the way back to that fabled draft night in 2018. Luka Doncic was traded for Trae Young. That’s one of the worst fucking trades I’ve ever seen, and today is the day the Hawks really regret it.
    Jesus they literally suck

    Kyrie Irving O24.5 points

    • Man I’m just going against everything I beleive in today.. Kyrie hasn’t even hit this mark in like 6 games. However, I like it when the bets are correlated, because deep down, I’m a rational genius. Maybe I’m exactly like Kyrie. We both think we’re misunderstood geniuses I guess. Regardless, if the Mavs are going to win, we’re gonna need big performances from the Big 2. If Kyrie and Luka ball out, we’ve got a shot. Kyrie4Life.
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  • Los Angeles Lakers Playoff Outlook

    Wow, what a roller coaster this game was. I thought we were toast when AD laid on the ground for 45 minutes after hurting his ankle, but then he did something I didn’t even know was possible: he persevered. He stayed in that fucking game and delivered exactly what I knew he could. The Finals are officially in our sights.

    Somehow, some way, the Los Angeles fucking Lakers are now the 7th seed in the West, one game back from the 6 seed. I was only kind-of sure, not totally sure that this day was gonna come. I wonder how far they are gonna be able to climb now. The Rockets and Jazz are up next on the schedule, and if they lose one of those games, you might as well just blow up the franchise. In my humble yet brilliant opinion, the Lakers should NOT try to move past the 6th seed. If they somehow got up to 5, they’d likely face the Suns in the first round. The Suns aren’t some juggernaut, but there are way better options than KD round 1.

    I think catching a team like Memphis or Sacramento in the first round would be ideal. Both of those ball clubs have obvious kryptonites that I beleive the Lakers could expose. Let’s start with Sacramento.

    The Kings are historically great on offense which is what has powered them to greatness this season. The problem is, they are ALLERGIC to the other half of the game (defense). I just don’t see how they’re going to go far with the inability to get stops. Lebron and AD would feast on these guys down low (during the game, not sexually). Not to mention, they have almost no real playoff experience. I’m like the 5000th person to say this so it’s not exactly breaking news. I like the Kings, but the Lakers will take them from SacTown to SuckTown. Boom.

    Next, we have the Grizzlies. I think we all know what the solution is here: bring strippers to the games. It’s just that simple. As long as we do that, the Grizz will just stop making it rain on the court and start making it rain on their booties. Ja will have absolutely no focus if he sees a hot sexy stripper just shaking her Jupiter-sized ass behind the basket. They also have Dillon Brooks, who thinks he’s Michael Jordan. We can count on him to cost them at least two games.

    The game plan from here on out should be to try and get the 6th seed, but NOT the 5th seed. We’ve got to play chess while everyone else plays checkers. Let’s go and beat the Rockets and Jazz the next two games, then lose to the Clippers. Keep up a 2-win, 1-loss pattern to end the season and we should be all set!

    How hard can it be?

  • NBA Friday Picks Preview

    Get ready boys, tomorrow is FINALLY FriYAY. Let me tell ya, it’s been a tough week. Being caught up in the American work machine has really got ya boy down. I’m hunched over, got carpel tunnel, and slowly losing my eyesight day by day. Nevertheless! I WILL deliver my perfect analysis on the current state of the NBA gambling market so that YOU, the reader, can grow your bankroll with my proven investment program backed by science. Let’s begin.

    Lakers ML (-102) @ Minnesota:

    • Anyone (is there anyone?) that’s been following my picks so far knew this one was coming. “We in Minnesota now.” Need I say more? Lebron is not going to lose THE must-win game to the Kitty-KAT. They just blew a game to the Suns on Wednesday (Suns -6 baby) and I have full faith they’ll do it again. The Lakers can FINALLY get over the .500 mark and they cannot blow it against the team right in front of them in the standings. I wish we were getting a *little* more than even odds, but fuck it. Even AD is talking shit this week. It’s time for some “get-back.”
    Hasbulla has spoken. NEVER fade Hasbulla.

    PHI -6 vs. Toronto:

    • It’s time for Philly to start their comeback tour. They lost a couple in a row while James Harden was out, then got a solid dub against the free-falling Mavs on National TV the other day. Remember my rule: National TV games count for 3 times as much as a regular win. I like that they’re at home, and I’m looking for Joel Embiid to sprint down the final stretch of this MVP race. I don’t love laying 6, but I’m confident the Sixers take care of business. I can’t have these fuckers blow my hot streak.

    Anthony Davis O26.5 points (-104)

    • I cannot fucking believe I am doing this. If there is anybody you should NOT rely on to cover your ass, it’s Anthony Davis. I’ve been picking on this guy since I started this blog because all he does is disappoint me. Whenever you need him most, he shoots the ball 7 times and scores 13 points. Well, that exact logic is why I’m zagging here. He’s been dominant during the month of March, and we’ll need him one more time. After this game, his nickname might be ADHD, because he can only lock in when it’s ABSOLUTELY dire. Technically, the Lakers have still had a small cushion when he’s blown it in the past. Not this time. Less than 10 games to go, and you can’t shit your pants against the guys one spot ahead. It’s now or never, and 26.5 points is well within his reach if he gives even basic effort tomorrow.

    Jalen Green O23.5 points (-111)

    • There’s two things Jalen Green does really well on a basketball court: he scores, and he… well nope actually that’s pretty much all he does. In home games Jalen is averaging exactly 23.8 ppg. Damn you Vegas. ONE TIME I’m just asking for a slight market inefficiency. Somehow your bullshit models have automatically computed that and it took my like 15 minuts of playing in excel. Regardless, this guy is gonna chuck a TON of shots against a really shitty team. I could see him crushing this easily.

    The quest for 4-0 starts tomorrow. With every pick, I slowly trend towards becoming a financial advisor. Why invest in stocks and bonds and blah blah blah I’m already bored just typing those words. Invest in something cool like Jalen Green scoring a shit ton of points against the Pistons. At least you know he’s really trying to do that vs. a bullshit Wall St. investor taking your hard-earned dollars and sticking them in the thong of the nearest hooker. If someone’s gonna stick my money in a hooker’s thong, it’s gonna be Ja Morant.

    Remember: it starts with beleiving (and a sportsbook).

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