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The Lakers Might Be Toast
I am absolutely devasted to be writing this sad sad blog today. Yesterday I tortured myself for 2.5 hours as I watched the Warriors do the same bullshit they’ve been doing for years now. They beat the piss out of the Lakers in game 2 and the way it went down has me fearing for my life for the rest of the series. I’ll try to make this one quick, since it’s Cinco de Drinko and I need to ctrl + alt + delete some cervezas.
AD’s humiliation fetish started acting up again. He went from all-time great to all-time dud in just two days. His consistency in switching that up every other game is truly remarkable at this point. He literally cannot play well unless he has all of the mainstream media slandering his name for 24+ hours. There is no such thing as “back to back” in this man’s world. Well, fear not AD, you can get your juices off as I shred you to smithereens. What the FUCK is wrong with you? You need to take your uni-brow out of your fucking ass and play like a goddamn man from here on out. We can’t be doing this every other game bullshit against the Warriors. You know how much this means to Lebron, and I’ll be damned if you let us down like this. Be fucking for real. I better not see 11 and 10 on your statline ever again, or your ass is grass son.
A thing about me: I fucking hate the Warriors. They came right back and made every 3 known to man in this game. If they keep making 3s at this clip I don’t think the Lakers can keep up. Steph Curry hasn’t even cracked 30 yet this series and they’re still doing that. Of course, classic Steph getting carried by his teammates every fucking time. I never once doubted that the Horshoe stuffed in his butt, so I can’t say I’m shocked by this development. I thought seeing it coming would ease the pain, but boy was I wrong. Therapy isn’t something I normally condone, but it will definitely be considered a serious option going forward. Food has no taste, I can’t see colors anymore. Only a Lakers championship can bring me out of this darkness now. I CANNOT have another flameout in the playoffs. The Cowboys already hurt me enough for one calendar year.
Oh well, it’s time to go bury my sorrows in Dos Equis. I take back my therapy comment from before- Dos Equis is the only counselor I’ve ever needed, its never let me down. Viva Las Lakeshow.
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Lakers vs. Warriors Preview
Lakers vs. Warriors, Lebron vs. Steph Curry, Anthony Davis vs. Kevon Looney. A true clash of the Titans. These are the matchups we’d been hoping we’d get all playoffs. I have no idea who is going to win this series, but that’s why I’m here to break it down. Will the GOAT prevail and finally end the Warrior’s sinister reign? Or will Steph Curry’s magic horseshoe that lives in his asshole power the Warriors to yet another cheap victory? Let’s find out.
We haven’t seen Lebron vs. Steph in the playoffs since 2018, and my mental health has been better for it. I had to watch Lebron face off against the Warriors with a significantly worse team 4 God-forsaken years in a row. Now, Lebron maybe has a better team, but he’s fucking 38. Steph is 35 but still kicking it into high gear. I got respect for what Steph has done. He’s probably securely in the top 10 all-time now and is obviously one of the best players ever. Still, it makes me sick to see his fans and other tea drinkers put him in the same stratosphere as Lebron. It’s still not even close. Don’t give me that bullshit record of him being 3-1 vs. Lebron in the finals. Kevin Durant was absolutely backpacking in those series and that was the most unstoppable and unfair team the world has ever seen. I still have not forgiven the Warriors for signing him and I never fucking will. For all of Steph’s greatness, he’s still a front-running motherfucker. He’s at his most dangerous whenever the Warriors have a 5-point lead- he’ll just start pouring it on and skipping up the court at that point. So fucking annoying.
The Lakers really don’t have anyone to guard Curry in these series either. VanderGOAT struggled against the smaller Morant and I would expect that to happen again here. Maybe Schroeder? I don’t know. Curry is going to get his regardless so I guess we should just punt on that aspect. Put Vando on Klay and make his life hell in this series. The rest of the Warriors have not been very good this season. Unless they actually only tried in 50% of the games during the regular season, and have the capability to turn it on in the playoff, then I’m confident LA can get it done. In reality, we all know this series will boil down to whether Anthony Davis shows up or not. I’m confident he’ll bring his all-world defense, but I never EVER have faith that he’ll try on offense. Sometimes he’s just ADud for no fucking reason. The Lakers NEED him to be ADominant this series.
My mental and physical health cannot handle the Warriors beating Lebron again. I already know our biggest threat in this series is The Horseshoe. I am beyond confident AD or Lebron will miss at least 1 game this series, likely more. Usually, Lebron isn’t the one who gets hurt. The horseshoe likes to hurt all his teammates so it looks like Lebron’s fault when the team collapses around him. If no injuries, then everyone on the team will miraculously forget how to play basketball and miss every 3-point attempt in the 4th quarter of a must-win game.
Everyone seems to be looking forward to this series, but I’m not. I just want it to be over. I’m so so so sick of Steph Curry and the Horseshoe and the Warriors. I might need an exorcism after this series. For better or for worse, I am throwing my entire well-being face first into this series. I’m the #1 Ryder. If Lebron has fans, I am one of them. If he has 1 fan that fan is me. If he has no fans, that means I am no longer on this Earth. Good luck Lebron, you’re going to need it.
Lakers in 6.
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Dallas Cowboys Draft Review
The NFL Draft is one of the best times of the year. It’s like Christmas in April. It’s the few days of the year where every NFL franchise has hope, no matter how disastrous they have been for the last 20 years. Every fanbase is jerking off to the idea of finally landing that one guy that will turn their franchise around. Unfortunately for me, I stopped wackin it pretty early this year as the Cowboys draft quickly fell apart and soured my outlook for the upcoming season. Hopefully my blind faith takes over soon and I can get excited again.
Round 1: Mazi Smith
We’ll start with the big boy. I actually don’t hate or really even dislike this pick, but it’s not ideal. I was REALLY hoping for one of the WRs to fall to us (RIP Zay Flowers, my sweet prince), but they all got snatched starting with pick 20. With all them gone, I had my heart set on Dalton Kincaid, as I was hoping a dynamic receiving TE would elevate our passing offense, which is the most important aspect of the team. We fell apart last year when teams could just key on CeedeeGOAT and I was really hoping to avoid that again. We ended up settling for Mazi Smith, an athletic freak from Michigain with decent but not great production in college. The interior DL is probably the biggest weakness on our team, so addressing this need with a guy that has a high ceiling is fine with me. I am definitely scarred from Taco Charlton, so I didn’t jump out of my seat selecting a Michigain guy. I’m not fucking stupid, so I can separate the player from the school, but it still leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. It seems like we could’ve traded back with the Chiefs or Raiders, and to be honest I think i would have done that. If we somehow could’ve ended up with Joey Porter and Michael Mayer who slipped into the second round, I would’ve had to change my pants. Mazi didn’t quite make me wet myself, but I’m still excited ot see what he can add to the run D.
Round 2: Luke Schoonmaker
This is definitely my least favorite pick of the draft for us. From my research, this guy is a really good blocker and a good athlete with “receiving upside.” the problem is, he seems to be exactly the same as the other fucking white guys we already have. I know there seemed to be some medical issues with Darnell Washington, but I really would’ve preferred that. At least that guy is a freak of nature and provides something that no one we already have can do. This guy just doesn’t get me out of my chair. I feel like we panicked and took a positional need when all the TEs got scooped up out of nowhere. I would’ve preferred going with a DB like Tyrique Stevenson or Kelee Ringo. My ultimate preference would’ve been to trade up and get TCU Guard Steve Avila, but we don’t like being aggressive apparently. There was another solid guard in O’Cyrus Torrence still available too, but I guess we don’t care about the offensive line anymore. I just feel like there was a lot of talent left at this point, and we reached pretty fucking hard when we didn’t have to.
Round 3: DeMarvion Overshown
Quick analysis: cool name, bad school. I’m somewhat familiar with this guy’s game, being that I’m an OU fan. He’s a good athelte who can do several things, but doesn’t seem to have any ELITE skills. I’m OKAY with this pick, but definitely think we could’ve done better. Ringo and Adebawore were both on the board at this point. In fact, we had multiple chances to leave the draft with both of them and we passed. I’m sick. Texas players are usually dog shit and do absolutely nothing in the NFL. The “Arm Bandit” will look sick as fuck on the field, but I’m weary how much he’ll actually contribute.
Rounds 4-7: A lot of guys I’ve never heard of, and Deuce Vaughn
I’m not gonna pretend like I’ve sat and grinded the film of any of these guys. I haven’t heard of any of them except Deuce Deuce, so I’m not going to overly judge any of them. It’s pretty hard to find great players at this point in the draft, so at best I’m hoping for a few surprising contributors. I’m still pissed we didn’t go for Adebawore or Darnell Washington OR Kelee Ringo at this point. Like why the fuck not?? It makes sense to draft the best athletes/players from the best team. If the Georgia Dawgs have been dominating, why wouldn’t they at least be capable starters in the league? It makes me sick that the Eagles adopted this strategy and left with an incredible draft. Fuck you Philly, rot in piss.
I’m going to hold out hope for this class, but at this point they just don’t make my pickle wiggle. Plenty of “experts” have been wrong about classes before, so I’m hoping all the guys that are calling us “Losers” right now will eat their words. I still doubt eating all those words will be enough calories to get Mazi Smith-sized.
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Lakers Finish Off Grizzlies
The haters are sick and furious right now. The Los Angeles Lakers have officially wiped away the shit stain that is the Memphis Grizzlies. On the other hand, the haters are basking in glory because I think the Grizzlies approval rating might be even lower than Lebron’s right now. With Ja being a punk and Dillon Brooks being a coward, it seems America had just about had it with these fools.
Let’s start with Dillon Brooks. This guy might be one of the most disliked NBA players of all time. First off, he’s complete doo-doo. For some reason, he thought it’d be a good idea to talk big shit to Lebron and say he has “no respect” for him in his old age. Even the biggest Lebron haters thought that was fucking stupid. If you’re going to buck up to the goat, you’ve got to be an above-average player AT LEAST. That’s why people are so fucking tired of Patrick Beverly. I don’t know when trash-ass NBA players started thinking they had the authority to shit on those that have accomplished way more than them (I do see the irony of me, a blogger, shitting on guys who have accomplished way more than me). To make matters worse, once the Grizzlies started losing, Brooks completely backed off and ran away from the media. COWARD! You can’t play the villain and then play the victim. He blamed the media for creating a narrative that he enforced on a daily basis. I’ll be curious what his stat line looks like next year when he’s the starting SF for the Shanghai Sharks.
On to Ja Morant now. Look, this guy was on his way to becoming a top 3 most popular athlete in the NBA. That was before he started acting like JAhn Wick and posted stupid shit online. Nobody liked seeing a millionaire kid pretend to be some crazy gangster for no reason. I don’t know the guy’s backstory, but even if he is “from the trenches” isn’t making it to the league the motivation to give yourself and your family a better life? I guess if flashing baby guns on Instagram live and pointing lasers at team personnel is “making it” then he has officially arrived. It SEEMS like he turned it around but nobody was really rooting for them this playoffs, and that’s saying something considering the opponent.
On the Laker’s side, this is huge. They actually got out of the first round, and there is a realistic path to a title. Golden State and Sacramento still have to duke it out in game 7, but I’m not afraid of either at this moment. The Kings have proven they are the real deal, and they’ll make LA work for every W. The Warriors still have the magic horseshoe stuffed up Steph Curry’s butthole so that’s definitely something we need to be aware of if they win game 7. It’d be great if Curry could have an emergency colonoscopy before the next series. We just need to clear all that magic juju bullshit out before he faces Lebron again. I won’t stand for another key injury against the Warriors. They are the NBA’s Hitler, and it’s time we get rid of them forever.
I’m obviously very excited about the Laker’s title chances right now. The good guys finally got one. This would have been a fantastic weekend if the Cowboys hadn’t absolutely blown the draft (more on that later). Time for LA to lock in for round 2, and Memphis to lock in their tickets to Bullock Island. CANCUN on 3!!!
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NBA Wednesday Playoff Picks
It’s official, the boy is on a heater. Heaters don’t come around very often, so I’m going to milk the shit out of this while I have it. I don’t know if I have ever seen the board so clearly, it’s like I’m in the Matrix. I was a lazy piece of shit and didn’t write blogs for Monday and Tuesday’s picks, but you can rest assured that I went undefeated in the games I won. I’m looking down on NBA Wednesday like a toddler about to squeeze a frog.
Cavaliers -5.5 vs. Knicks
- This is the game I’m struggling with the most. I have a feeling that everyone and their mother is going to be all over the Knicks in this game. Cleveland has really fumbled a couple games, and people are going to start feeling something funny in their private parts when they see the +5.5. Well, I’m ignoring that feeling in my privates and I’m going to resist. I’ll take the Cavs in a bounce back game, but this series isn’t lookingood for them or my original pick.
Lakers +4 @ Memphis
- Yep, I couldn’t ignore that tingling in my weiner much longer. The Lakers are getting 4 in a closeout game? I will jump at that opportunity every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I am getting serious 2020 vibes from this Laker squad, and that year they beat every team in 5. I’m hoping we actually do live in the Matrix and history repeats itelf. 5-5-5, that’s what we need baby. Anthony Davis is however going to need to get his head out of his ass first.
Bucks -11.5 vs. Miami
- I’m not a porn star, but I’ll be swallowing a huge load with the 11.5 points tomorrow. I started shaking in my boots when I saw that line, but I steeled my nerves, stared it dead in the face and sent the bet through anyway. Playoff Jimothy has arrived, but he usually takes a dip after one of his huge playoff games. This game has been officially upgraded to “Must Win” for Miluakee. I’m pretty much expecting Miami to come out flat and get their backs blown out (lot of porn similarities here) in preparation for game 6.
Warriors -1.5 @ Sacramento
- It’s just so sad. The Warriors are the luckiest franchise in the history of the world. Much like Tom Brady, Steph Curry has a magic horseshoe shoved right up his ass. Every time these guys are on the ropes, the best players on the other team get wiped out of existence. Kyrie in 2015, Kawhi in 2017, Chris Paul in 2018, Ja Morant in 2022, and now DeAaron Fox in 2023. That’s literally all 4 of their fucking rings. It’s a miracle we still have Lebron after playing that devil-worshiping franchise so many times. Get well soon DeAaron, I already miss you.
He’s playing but this is still fucked Anthony Davis O23.5 Points
- The Anthony Davis humiliation fetish is back. He just HAS to have the entire world pissing on him in order to play well. He had a stellar 12 points on Monday and was once again bailed out by the GOAT. I’d be more confident if the Lakers lost that game, because he’d be taking the fall for the loss. That would REALLY get him aroused, and he’d come out tomorrow with 45 and 15. I hope he was just criticized enough to give a single fuck tomorrow and cash the 23.5 with ease.
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NBA Sunday Playoff Picks
I am back once again with another set of late playoff pick perfection. This is my second day in a row waking up after the 12 PM game has started. While I may need to reconsider some choices in my personal life, I will never second-guess my gambling decisions. We went 2/4 yesterday. Giannis didn’t play in the Bucks game so that one shouldn’t even count. I called the Lebron under as the big brain play, but my pea brain didn’t allow me to actually make that pick. Let’s see if my underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex can deliver an undefeated gambling Sunday.
Sacramento Kings + 7.5 (-112)
- This is a tough one. The Warriors were the obvious pick the other day and they delivered by beating the piss out of Sacramento. I figured the Kings wouldn’t be able to live up to the pressure of going up 3-0 on GS, that would’ve been too much to ask. I’m expecting them to be a lot more relaxed this time around. I don’t think they’ll win the game, but I do think they will keep it close and make it interesting. I would also be disgusted with myself if I bet on Golden State to win.
Boston -7 (-108) @ Atlanta
- The Celtics are overrated, but the Hawks are simply bad at basketball. They got the classic “win the first home game” game but they’ll fade right back into shit this afternoon. This series has been mostly blowouts by the Celtics, and I think they’ll get right back to blowing the Hawks back out today.
Denver -4 (-114) @ Minnesota
- Anthony Edwards promised the Wolves were not out of this series the other day. I run the risk of Minnesota swelling up with pride and giving everything they got to avoid a sweep, but we all know this series is over. I’m fairly confident the Nuggets complete the sweep today, and 4 points aren’t gonna be enough to scare me away. It’d be nice if Rudy Gobert would just knock Anthony Edwards the fuck out and make it easy on us. That would also get Ant out of Minnesota which would be nice. I’m sure the Kitty KAT is ready to go home and get his nails done once this stressful season is finally over tonight. Nuggets by a hundred.
I don’t have any player props I like today. I just went through all the options and almost threw up a little bit. That was mostly due to the alcohol poisoning, but the props didn’t make me feel any better. The only thing I came close to was KAT over 21.5 points. He’s more than capable of hitting that mark and Jokic isn’t exactly an elite defender. However the Kitty Kween has been really ass in this series so I’m not going to put my hard-earned money on him. I’ll be back tomorrow with my Monday morning locks that I will be posting at night because I have a fucking desk job. Life sure is great.
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NBA Saturday Picks
It’s time to get up for another Saturday of NBA basketball. Normally I would pick every playoff game of the day, but I just woke up and the Sixers-Nets game has already started. However, that will not deter me. No measley hangover is going to stop me from giving the people financial advice on this beautiful Saturday. Let the games begin.
Suns -8 (-106) @ Clippers
- Kawhi is not playing in this game. There is no need for any further explanation. I know they kept it close in game 3 without him, but I don’t see that happening again. The Clippers are a dumpster fire without their robot.
Bucks -5 (-110) @ Miami
- There doesn’t seem to be any word on Giannis yet today. He’s listed as ‘doubtful’ on ESPN, but Miluakee being favored makes me think otherwise. If he’s going to play, I’ll take the Bucks, if not, obviously take the Heat. If he’s out and the Heat steal another game… watch out. The Heat really aren’t very good, but they just keep fucking winning somehow. Jimmy Butler is just one tough bastard and they probably have the best coach in the league. They are the definition of a “tough out.” I wouldn’t say this is a “must-win” for the Bucks, but it’s definitely a “can’t lose.”
Lakers -5 (-110) vs. Memphis
- Oh if it isn’t the Los Angeles disappointers. Of course they fucking blew game 2 when Ja wasn’t even playing. Somehow the Grizz don’t suck without Ja, but Jesus Christ man why can’t you just win that game? AD did his classic routine of being a loser, but I can’t really hate because the whole team shit the bed (except Lebron of course). I really hope we don’t have to deal with Lebron’s teammates forgetting how to play basketball in the playoffs again. Just as I was starting to believe again they slap me in the face with reality. I still think they’ll win the series, so it makes no sense to try and pick against them, but fuck man. They better not blow this again.
Lebron James O29.5 Points
- I think I may be off on this one, but I’m going with the over. Dillon Brooks has clearly started to annoy the living piss out of everyone in the league, and Lebron showed his frustration in his latest press conference. If he gets mad and goes into Fuck You mode I could see him trying to have a big scoring night. However, Lebron normally doesn’t change his game for anyone. Sometimes he purposely does the opposite of what they want just to prove a point. The under might be the big brain play here, but I don’t have a big brain. I’m riding with my hatred for Dillon Brooks, and the OVER.
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Can The Sacramento Kings Really Pull This Off?
I can’t believe this is what we’ve come to, but the Sacramento Kings hold the fate of the entire world in their hands. They have a chance to finally end the communist regime of the Golden State Warriors. They’ve captivated the world with their speed, their resilience, and most importantly- their motherfucking beam!! They have been sticking that giant purple beam right up Golden State’s ass for 2 games, but can they keep it up, and finally bring about the end of the 6th Reich?
All season long we heard about the King’s potent offense and non-existent defense. I expected a fairly close, exciting series where the Warriors ultimately prevail. In my previous blog, I picked the Warriors to win the series but declared I would bet on them hoping it would hurt their chances. Well, if there’s one thing that never fails, it’s my horrid gambling luck. The Warriors seem to be in real trouble! They are struggling with the King’s speed, specifically De’Aaron Fox’s downhill ability. He’s been getting whatever he wants, especially when he becomes Mr. Fourth Quarta with under 5 minutes to go. This is such a huge victory lap for those of us who thought Fox > Lonzo way back in 2017. If only the Lakers had taken this fucker instead.
The King’s defense has maybe been the most shocking thing so far. I think we can officially declare their defense not bad. At least, the perimeter defense isn’t that bad. DFox and Davion Mitchell (shoutout Scott Drew) have been giving Steph Curry hell all series. Steph is gonna get his no matter what, but just making exert that extra 10% and fucking up their actions can be the difference. I also see that their game plan of forcing Steph to hit a big shot in the clutch is working to perfection. For as great a shooter he is, there might be no one I fear less with the game on the line. The only game-winner I remember from him was the deep-ass shot against OKC in 2016. He hasn’t done anything that sick in a long time. He pretty much never had to considering he hired Kevin Durant as his personal legacy-saver to do all that for him.
I almost forgot to mention- it’s only game 2 and the Kings have already made Draymond Green do something ridiculous. I figured we wouldn’t get ejection/suspension discussions about him until the later rounds of the playoffs, but we’re already here! Might I just say, bravo Domantis Sabonis. That was one hell of a performance getting Draymond to do that. He sneakily pulled his leg a little and baited the Ndamukong Stomp. Then, he topped it off with one of the all-time dramatic performances. For a second, I actually thought he died out there. He was screaming and writhing in pain like he had just been stabbed 30 times with a serrated knife. I guess that’s the kind of thing they just don’t teach us in America. Hard to believe he wasn’t a theater kid.
The only thing left to see is how the Warriors look at home. It’s no secret that they’re complete dogshit on the road, but they’ll have to win at least one road game due to their seeding. If they get back to San Francisco and dominate then we might have a 7 gamer on our hands. I would really just prefer a clean 4 game sweep. Let’s get rid of these fuckers while we can. I am so fucking sick and tired of the Golden State Warriors and just want them to go away forever. If I were Adam Silver I would literally remove them as a franchise for their crimes. The Kings have a chance to forever be America’s darling. If they can just close the deal and keep that beam going!
Make your decision America, and make it fast. It’s not too late to hop aboard the #BeamTeam, but the train is leaving the station. It’s time to take that Purple Rain right into the Bay Area and shine that beam right in their stupid fucking faces.
#BeamTeam4L
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NBA Playoff Sunday Picks
Yesterday I gave out my picks for each series in the first round. Now, it’s time to hand out my locks for yet another NBA Sunday. The playoffs are in full swing and it’s a great time of year. Every day for several weeks we have meaningful NBA games. That’s not something we get to say very often in this league, let’s enjoy it and gamble on it while it lasts.
Lakers +4 (-108) @ Memphis
- Yeah I mean there’s no way I’m picking against the Lakers at all this series. If you think they’re going to win the series it just makes sense to bet on them every game, especially if they’re underdogs. The real ones out there will hammer the money line, but I’m feeling a little cowardly this Sunday. The only thing that scares me here is the potential for Lebron’s game 1 bullshit where he just feels it out and doesn’t really shoot. I guess this game will be decided based on how many strippers are in attendance.
Milwuakee -9.5 (-108) vs. Miami
- I’m never ever comfortable with taking this many points in the NBA, especially with how the free throw bullshit can swing spreads at the end of games. Honestly, Miami just isn’t that good and will likely draw dead in this series. They just played hard in the play-in so they have every reason to just punt in game 1. We need the Bucks to blow the Heat’s back out.
Clippers +7.5 @ Phoenix
- This is the big underdog I’m riding with today. This is going to be the game that spearheads all the Monday morning talkshow discourse. “Are the Suns in trouble??” will be the headline on Get Up, Undisputed, and any type of ESPN sports show. Kawhi will probably go stupid in this game, so I’ll likely take is over. I just see him going into robot mode where he’s uber efficient in the first half and the Suns just seem a little flat. I still think the Suns take the series but game 1 belongs to the Clips.
Denver -7.5 vs. Minnesota
- I’ve said it many times, fuck Rudy Gobert. Today I’m the worlds biggest Jokic fan and I hope he embarrasses Gobert on national TV in front of everyone. I lowkey think the Nuggets are trash but I’m not ready to boldy proclaim that yet. If they lose this game I’ll be shouting it from the highest peak of the highest mountain. I don’t see Minnesota winning unless Anthony Edwards goes off, which is definitley possible. Winning on the road though is going to be a tough task with the “elevation.” Against my will I will swallow the 7.5 and take Denver.
Kawhi Leonard O27.5 Points
- If you can read you know I said I was taking this earlier. Cyborg is gonna have to come out today. Pretty self explanatory.
Lebron James U28.5 (-106) Points
- The first and hopefully last Under I will ever take on this blog. I despise unders, but Lebron simply does not try in game 1s. I actually think the Lakers lose today unless Anthony Davis goes nuts or something. Lebron always punts on these games so I can’t see him going for 30. I will never take an under again, life is too short for that.
I’ve lost my confidence. There is no way we go undefeated today. Maybe one day I’ll regain the confidence I used to have. If I was reading this blog I’d fade every single pick. Fade me you fucking cowards.
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Round 1 NBA Picks
The NBA Playoffs are finally here, which means I am also here, to deliver groundbreaking NBA picks. You know I only bring picks that are cross-referenced with mathematics, analytics, engineering, and of course, science. I will be picking every series in every round until we have an NBA champion. LFG
Nets vs. 76ers
Official Pick: Philadelphia 76ers
- I’m riding with the eMbiidVP for this series. A lot of these are going to be pretty fucking obvious I’m now realizing. I don’t see a world where the Nets pull off an upset like this. Actually, I do see that world and it’s one where Embiid gets hurt in the playoffs like he always does. Usually that doesn’t happen until round 2 though, so I’ll stick with him… for now.
Hawks vs. Celtics
Official Pick: Boston Celtics
- Easily my least favorite series out of them all. I hate the Celtics and I hate Trae Young. Unfortunately for me, the Celtics are actually decent so I have them beating Atlanta pretty easily. Their time will come though, and I’m telling you now I will refuse to pick them in the second round.
Knicks vs. Cavaliers
Official Pick: Cleveland Cavaliers
- This might my the most interesting series of round one. I could honestly see both of these teams in the Eastern Finals if the cards fell right. I’m riding with the Cavs in the end because of one reason: Julius Randle. I know this guy has had a great season, so props to him. He’s just one of those weird players that is really good but also fucking sucks at the same time. I just don’t trust him to carry them in a playoff series. To me, Jalen Brunson is the best player on the Knicks, but I KNOW Julius Randle doesn’t see it that way. I could see him turning into a shot-chucking brick machine that does more harm than good in the end. The Cavs also bring a lot of young talent to the table and sometimes those teams overachieve randomly for a playoff run. It would feel wrong however to see the Cavs actually win a playoff series without Lebron. If that curse sticks, then they’ll have no shot.
Heat vs. Bucks
Official Pick: Milwuakee Bucks (no shit)
- Obviously this one is obviously obvious, obviously. If you put a gun to my head and told me to pick a team to win the NBA title, I’d pick the Bucks. It would be a real shame if I got my head blown off after the first fucking round. Bring out the brooms.
Warriors vs. Kings
Official Pick: Golden State Warriors
- God fucking damnit this team will just not fucking go away. They slacked off all regular season and win the lottery with the Kings in round 1. Steph Curry continues his streak of being the luckiest player in NBA history. I like the Kings, but the absence of defense will be their downfall. They have no experience, and are playing THE most experienced team in the league. That’s just the perfect recipe for a round 1 L. Trust me, I would love nothing more than SacTown to take this one. I’m so fucking sick and tired of the Warriors. I will be betting on them heavily in hopes that my cursed luck will be their downfall. I will gladly fall on my own sword to bring about the end of this cursed dynasty. Fuck you Golden State.
Clippers vs. Suns
Official Pick: Phoenix Suns
- This is a bad draw for the Clips. I don’t really like them or the Suns so I’m glad they get to eliminate each other early. The Suns haven’t even lost when KD plays. They are probably the best team in the West, but they have the same Achilles heel as the Lakers, which is Kevin Durant’s literal Achilles. If he gets hurt, which he could at any moment, they’re fucked. I’m sure he’ll be fine for the first round.
Timberwolves vs. Nuggets
Official Pick: Denver Nuggets
- I don’t even want to give commentary on this one. The Nuggets are so boring and they’re the typical 1-seed that isn’t gonna win the title. I’d give them the 4th best odds in the West alone. I doubt the series against the play-in Gods will be very good.
Lakers vs. Grizzlies
Offical Pick: Los Angeles Lakers of course!
- I’m riding with the LakeShow yo! We’ve already talked strategy about how to win this series in a landslide. All we need are some big booty bitches sitting courtside and the Grizzlies don’t stand a chance. They’ll probably fill their jersey pockets with stacks of cash ready to make it rain at a moment’s notice. The Lakers however are focused, dialed in, ready to go. Anthony Davis will no doubt disappoint us a few times along the way but we’ll be fine. If these old ass injury prone fuckers can just stay healthy we’ll have a chance at the title. Much like the Suns, I’m counting on us being okay for round 1.
That does it for the first round. I have no doubt all these picks are 100% correct. The first round is easy though, child’s play. The real test will be how accurate I can be in the following rounds. It’s a good time to be a basketball fan. NBA forever.
The Armchair Experts 