• Cowboys vs. Communists Game Review

    It’s a sad day it’s a bad day. Today the Dallas Cowboys lost 26-6 to the Washington Communists. I will remember January 8th, 2023 as a no good very bad Sunday.

    From start to finish, everything just went completely wrong. And then, in the afternoon, the Cowboys made it worse by pissing down their leg in the final game of the regular season to finish 12-5 for the second straight season.

    After pondering for about 30 minutes after the game, I have decided to chalk this one up to just not giving a fuck. Technically, Dallas could’ve gotten the 1 seed with a Philly and SF loss, but the odds of that happening were slim to none. I suspect the boys in blue knew that and showed up without a care in the world to deliver their worst performance since week 1.

    Dak played probably the worst game I’ve ever seen him play. He finished the game with 2 touchdowns, one to Ceedee Lamb and the other to Washington defensive back Kyle Fuller. Or Kendall Fuller, I’m really not sure. Either way, Dak made sure he wasn’t going to leave Washington without his weekly dose of brain damage with a terrible pass. The problem this week was that Dak decided to stay bad for the entire game versus turning it around like he usually does.

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    Another big Fuck You goes to Kellen Moore this week. He’s the current season leader in that category. My only hope is that he is saving all the good plays for the playoffs (I doubt it). The truth is he’s just not a very good OC and he has a baby face that I hate. His dedication to running the ball on 1st down and usually second down is unprecedented. If everyone dedicated themselves to something that hard the world would be a better place. It’s Kobe Bryant dedicated to something level insanity. We have had no run game since Terrance Steele went down, and I think Mike McCarthy could out run Zeke at this point. Sad. I understand our WR room is very lackluster outside of 88, but god damn can we just run some fucking play action and air it out? I would rather watch Dak go 25-50 and 2 picks then watch us pound it up the middle again and AGAIN. At least we probably wouldn’t go 3 and out on all but 1 possession.

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    The boys are now off to face kisser-of-children Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Bucaneers in round 1. The Cowboys have never beaten Tom Brady. After tonight’s showing, I’m not confident that next Monday is going to be the one. The Bucs are absolute dog shit but somehow that cock sucker will activate the magic horseshoe that lives in his asshole and win the game. We’re either going to lose to Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, or the Eagles this postseason. I can’t think of a worse 3 ways to go out. If we manage to do it in dramatic fashion, I may not get another blog up.

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    Cowboys forever.

  • I Have Won my Fantasy Football Championship

    That’s right baby. The job is finally finished. According to the ESPN Fantasy App, my beloved fantasy football franchise: Team FuckChris (Chris is a douchebag) has claimed their spot atop the Armchair Experts Fantasy Football League (AEFFL).

    TeamFuckChris defeated the Q’Anon Shamen after the life-threatening injury to Damar Hamlin took place in the Bills-Bengals game on MNF. Thankfully, as of today Hamlin appears to be okay and recovering according to his Instagram/Twitter.

    *This post is satirical in nature. Damar Hamlin’s life greatly outweights fantasy football (obvoiusly) and this is in no way meant to belittle the severity of his health. Glad he’s okay.

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    Injuries blow and certainly isn’t a cool way to win in fantasy, however that didnt stop me from gloating so hard 3 of my league mates left the group chat. Not gonna lie that was pretty fucking satisfying. I’m not a complete asshole though, so me and the Shamen are splitting the winnings becasue the game was still up in the air with Tyler Bass and Ja’marr Chase playing for him down 26 or so. But ,there is still nothing better than seeing that gleaming gold trophy boasting #1 Team FuckChris, CHAMPION, when I open my ESPN fantasy football app.

    I now believe this championship run and season has cemtented me as one of the all-time greats. Back-to-back 10-4 seasons and the winningest manager in AEFFL history. I have no doubt in my head, if Lamar Jackson, Deandre Swift, and Alvin Kamara hadn’t literally fallen apart in the playoffs last year… I’d be a repeat champ. I continue to be the biggest swindler the trade market has ever seen. Before the season I traded Mike Evans, Aaron Jones, Darren Waller, and Chris Olave for Justin Jefferson (goat), Nick Chubb, Dawson Knox, and Darnell “Goose Egg” Mooney. I was on top of the world. I knew Jjettas was a shoe-in for a big season and lots of griddy’s. I couldn’t wait to pair him with notorious handsome guy, Christian McCafferey. Already from week 1 I had the best duo in the league.

    Unfortunately… I started out 0-2. I barely lost both games and place the blame soley on “Goose Egg” Mooney. He fucked me. The preseason hype was swirling so hard this off-season and I had high hopes for him and his 2nd year RB Justin Fields. Easily my biggest whiff of the season. Thank God I gave a resounding locker room speech and fired up the troops after 2 weeks in a row of pissing the bed. I also kicked Darnell off the team, cause fuck him.

    I’m much too lazy to go into extreme detail about the rest of my brilliant moves over the season and I know anybody reading this probaly doesn’t give a fuck anyway. Basically just know I fineseed all the potatoes I call friends with evrery trade and that’s why I won and they didn’t.

    People will probably now start asking me the secret to being so good at fantasy football. There’s only one answer: defense. It’s a tale as old as time- “Defense wins championships.” Well as someone who allowed the least amount of points scored against them this season I can certainly agree with that sentiment. Everyone in fantasy always focuses on the hot shot boom or bust guys that can go get 30 a game. Sure, it helps to have a few of them sitting around, but at the end of the day it won’t save you. The only way to guarantee winning is to force the other team to do not shit. It’s just discipline.

    I am already looking forward to listening to all the frauds on Youtube give shitty advice in the off season next year. Fantasy football is one of God’s greatest gifts. A definitive way to prove you know more about sports than everybody else. A third straight 10-4 season is in my sights for next year, consistency is key. Congratulations to all the other league winners out there, but a special congrats to myself.

    Team FuckChris forever.

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  • Cowboys vs. Titans Game Review

    Another Thursday Night Showdown for the ages. Jeff Bezos and his legion of Amazons have managed to make Thursday Night Football a must-watch program every single week.

    And then I woke up.

    I love the Cowboys, but I knew we were doomed for disappointment as soon as I checked my fantasy app and saw CeedeeGOAT Lamb wasn’t playing on Sunday. I really don’t know what makes TNF suck so fucking hard, but it does no matter what. It certainly didn’t help that the Titans had no reason to show up, which is why Josh Dobbs got the start. I mostly feel bad for Al Michaels at this point. He has to sit in a booth with former Ohio State cheerleader Kirk Herbstreit for 4 hours every week. I’m pretty sure Kirk has no idea what’s going on most of the time. He’s really just there to point out the guys he remembers from college and be a familiar face to the audience.

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    As for the game, it was muddied and gross in typical TNF fashion. Dallas was expected to dominate, and while they won fairly comfortably, it wasn’t as “pretty” as most people would have liked. But we don’t apologize for wins in the NFL. Shannon gave us a 0 on the impressive scale (Skip probably gave us a 10).

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    The boys finished off the first half with 3 straight turnovers. One fumble and two picks. Every Dak Prescott interception is more ridiculous than the last. The first one hit Peyton Henderdrop right in the chest before he handed it off to Kevin Byard. The ensuing possession was another Dak missile, however this time it just went directly to Byard.

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    There’s no point in even trying to explain/defend the interceptions at this point. It’s practically a guarantee that someone on our offense, whether it be Dak, WRs, or whoever, will literally just fall asleep for about 4 total plays. Every team turns the ball over, so this isn’t my biggest concern as long as Dak continues to be good the other 92% of the time. Right now, the biggest concern has to be the defense. Yet again, we refused to put a finger on the QB and get a sack. Are they protesting? Is every d-lineman hurt? What is going on? Who the fuck am I supposed to blame for this! I have been itching to point a finger for so long but it seems I don’t have enough fingers for that. The turnovers will really start to kill us if we continue to let offenses go up and down on us like some cheap hookers.

    I hope we are able to finish the season off strong with a win over the Commies, but I think we need to start looking at alternative solutions for the playoffs. Satan (aka Aaron Rodgers) has now risen and is once again walking among us. I can feel it in my bones that we will somehow end up facing them in the playoffs. I don’t think my mind/body/spirit is capable of having another heartbreak to that asshole. I will drink an entire jar of Iowasca if we lose to them again. I’m not a drug guy, but being transported to a world where Aaron Rodgers doesn’t walk right up to me and personally take a giant piss on my life will be a lot better than this one. If it comes to Dallas vs. Green Bay, I suggest our defense take a page out of Rodger’s book and completely overload on cocaine before the game. The Drug Bowl. It sure would be a lot of fun to watch a bunch of coked-up Cowboys chase that little fairy around the field all day.

    Other than that, all I can do is hope the Eagles and 49ers fall on their face and hand Dallas the 1 seed. All our potential playoff matches seem to be set up for us to fail, so unfortunately my happiness for the year seems to be careening for yet another early funeral. Maybe next year.

  • “Babylon” Movie Review

    Someone on Twitter summed up this movie by saying “If you’re gonna make a movie, make a fucking movie. And Babylon is a fucking movie.” To be honest, I’m disappointed and ashamed I didn’t come up with something that clever myself.

    If I had to describe this movie in one word: chaotic. Sometimes I think that was to the movie’s benefit and sometimes I think to its detriment. It’s been about 2 hours since I got out of the film as of this moment (12/27/2022 8:07 PM), and still don’t know where I land. Did I like it? did I hate it? Was it mid? These are the questions that haunted me on my 15-minute drive home and haunt me now as I sip Christmas Cheer Wine on my couch.

    I definitely respect the crazy shit that happened every 30 seconds. I certainly didn’t hate the plethora of titties and ass that flooded the big screen for a satisfying amount of time (not a pervert). However, I still don’t understand the point of the narrative. The movie never felt like it was building to anything important. I guess we saw several character’s arcs progress and eventually come to an end, but… okay? I’m not 100% sure who out of Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, and Diego Calva was supposed to be the main focus.

    Margot was basically just a crazy bitch the whole time, really didn’t give a fuck about her. Brad Pitt was basically just there to be handsome I think, could’ve been played by any hollywood-type guy. Diego Calva was the most interesting guy to me, but his story just really didn’t make sense. Shit just kept happening to him, and he was accelerating through Hollywood at an insane pace. At first it seemed like everyone was basically being blatantly racist towards him, and then BOOM he’s a Hollywood executive? Don’t get me wrong, it seemed like a cool-ass life, but I think that leads me to my biggest issue in the film.

    While I am a huge simp for chaos and situational comedy, nothing just felt real in this movie. The scene in the desert where it seems like 45 movies are being shot at once (?) and it’s just people acting insane and directing nonsense just confused me. I obviously wasn’t alive in the 20s, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how shit went down. Obviously, it’s a fucking movie and I’m not a loser who needs everything to be hyper-realistic, but nobody felt real and there were no consequences to ANYTHING. Dudes were overdosing or dying on set CONSTANTLY and I get that was played for comedy, but didn’t land for me. Now I feel like one of those Netflix rioters protesting Dave Chapelle for being fucking hilarious.

    In my mind, films like The Wolf of Wall Street and The Nice Guys accomplished the situational chaos/comedy a little better. Those movies felt like they had real characters and a real narrative that was progressing naturally. At the end of the day, this was just a bunch of random Hollywood shit, with nudity thrown in all over the place to keep movie perverts (again, not me) locked in. I think I have finally figured that out as I am typing up this world-class review on my Dell computer. I think wannabe artsy people and horny 18-year olds will like this movie more than me. Shoutout Toby Maguire.

    Final Rating: 2.5/5 (Mid)

  • Cowboys vs. Eagles Game Review

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    God damn, there is nothing I love better than watching those stupid fucking Eagles cry cry cry. Hotshot “genius” coach Dick Siracha has had my blood boiling all season with his remarkably cunt-like demeanor. Has there ever been a coach with a more punchable face? Mike McCarthy can make a case every time we make a mistake and he grows by 10 pounds, but it still can’t touch Siracha.

    This game started about as awful as you could imagine. In the spirit of the holidays, Dak gave his weekly gift of an appalling interception to the Eagle’s defense. Some fat boy ran it back for a touchdown and we found ourselves in a 10-point hole early. After that, Dakota took off his Stevie Wonder goggles and put on his superman cape to lock in for the rest of the game.

    It was a back-and-forth affair for a while, but there were some good things from the Dallas offense. CeeDeeGOAT has started to live up to that 88. I almost shed tears of joy watching him take a giant shit on the dirty bird’s defense just like Dez Bryant used to back in the good ole days. It’s still frustrating not using him even more than we do. Our lack of dynamic receiving weapons could be our downfall on offense this season and it sucks so bad. Michael Peg Leg Gallup can’t separate from anybody. Not surprising since barely a year ago his ACL separated from his knee. Noah Brown and our three WHITE ass tight ends just don’t put enough fear in defenses.

    I have been putting off talking about the defense because they are dog shit now. Other than some bad injuries in the secondary, I have no idea what happened. Our pass rush has been performing an all-time disappearing act for about the last month now. It really sucks because I can’t even blame this one on injuries. The only defensive lineman we’ve lost is big boy John Hankins and all he does is plug holes (no homo) in the run game. If we don’t get back to our early season tradition of making QBs wet themselves every week, we MIGHT be in some serious trouble. Maybe we look at some current free agents for a spark? Elite LB Will Compton is standing ready as a mercenary. He was recently cucked out of a job with the Falcons, but it’s the fucking Falcons. NFL Commissioner Jerry Jones should have no problem waving his magic wand of money to add the “Potential All-Pro Caliber” Linebacker for some much-needed depth and vibes.

    Other than that, I think we just need to get that Dawg back in our guys. It’s not about Xs and Os it’s about buddies and bros. Fuck scheme, let’s go hit a motherfucker in the mouth and wreak some havoc again.

    The rest of America should be thanking Dak and the Cowboys for their heroic efforts this Saturday. America’s Team got the job done and refused to be swept by Siracha and the Eagles. It sure was a Merry Christmas for me. I will always hate this dirty-ass team and their moron-ass fans. They will always look up to us as superior and higher-IQ Cowboys fans. Cry Eagles cry.

  • The Greatest NFL Team of NBA Players

    A lot of people seem to think that NBA players are a bunch of Hollywood diva pussies. I’m here to let you know that’s completely fucking false. With painstaking effort, I have constructed a perfect modern NFL team using only players from the NBA. I have no doubt this team would easily go 17-0 and win the super bowl.

    Let’s begin.

    QB – Jarett Jack

    For some, this might be a head-scratcher, but for me, there is no other option than Jarret Jack-it-up. One night during some miscellaneous regular season game, Jarrett Mahomes displayed one of the greatest feats in human history. He hurled a basketball so fucking far into the stands it almost tore a hole through a motherfucker’s face. I can’t think of a single QB in NFL history with that kind of arm talent.

    RB – Donovan Mitchell

    For this position, we need a blend of good size, power, and speed. The spida will fill this void with his arachnid-like limbs and surprisingly broad shoulders. An article I read online also says he’s one of the 10 fastest players in the league, so I’ll take that as a concrete fact. Good luck linebackers.

    WR1 – Anthony Edwards

    This one almost feels like cheating. I’m actually pretty sure Anthony Edwards already IS an NFL player and moonlights in the NBA. He’d be an unstoppable force on the field and a delight in the locker room. Megatron’s single-season receiving record is in serious jeopardy.

    WR2 – Malik Monk

    Have you seen this fucking catch? I don’t even care if he produces all we need is some highlights for our social media team so welcome to the squad Odell Monk.

    Slot WR – Jose Alvarado

    No super bowl champion would be complete without an annoying scappy and quick gym rat. I wouldn’t expect Jose to get the ball much because QB1 Jarrett Jack only throws down-the-field rockets like a fucking man, but if his dick ever falls off Jose will be there to pick up the slack.

    TE – Draymond Green

    This one is so fucking easy. Draymond already showed off his array of skills in college on the Michigan St. football team. Everyone who watched the tape only had one word to describe Draymond: Elite.

    Offensive Line – Steven Adams

    There was no fucking way I was looking for a guy to fill each O-line spot. I figure an entire offensive line of Steven Adams would get the job done. He’s the closest thing we have to a sasquatch in the NBA.

    Defensive Tackle – 2021 Zion Williamson

    At this position we’re only looking for one thing: size (width specifically). There is no better option than Zion in 2021 when he was a fat fuck. Whenever he’s not plugging his mouth with fried chicken and pastries he’ll be plugging up run holes.

    EDGE – 2019 Zion Williamson

    Once upon a time Zion was a lean-mean-defense destroying machine. We’re looking for power and explosion off the edge. I know he can probably create that with his asshole, but if he creates it on the defensive edge he’ll be a game-wrecker. If he pictured the opposing QB as a donut, I’d fear for that man’s life.

    Linebacker – Desmond Bane

    Not only does this guy have a cool ass linebacker name, he’s got shoulders thicker than Zion on his worst eating day. There is just simply too much width in this front 7 for teams to even think about running the ball. They might want to think about upgrading their medical staff though.

    CB1 – Patrick Beverly

    I could honestly give a fuck about the skill from this position. All we need is a motherfucker who talks shit. He might be completely fucking shit at the game, but Pat Bev will make his living abusing the opposing WRs mentally. He built his career in the NBA that way, no reason to suspect it should be any different on the gridiron.

    CB2 – John Wall

    Tall, long arms, fast, constantly injured? Sounds like an elite CB2 to me. John Wall will give our fanbase so much fucking hope it’ll make their hearts hurt.

    Safety – Russell Westbrook

    It would be so entertaining to see this guy fly all over the secondary with reckless abandon. Much like his basketball days I expect him to horribly whiff and make boneheaded mistakes with infuriating consistency- but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Any type he connected for a big or intercepted a pass the crowd would go bezerk. As is always the case with Russ: highlights are way more valuable than results. Fact.

    Kicker/Punter: Also Draymond Green

    I think starting offensive lineman Steven Adams could make a compelling case for Draymond to run the field goal unit as well.

    Coach/GM – LeBron James

    There is no current NBA player with more current experience in these roles. A great player but an even better man, there is no better leader for this team than LeHero.

    There you have it. The most unstoppable NFL team probably ever in any era. Even if you don’t believe in the talent on the field, you can believe in LeCoach to get our guys in the best position to win. Stay tuned for next week when I build the greatest NASCAR Pit Crew out of popular sports media personalities.

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  • Cowboys vs. Jags Game Review

    What a shit show this fucking game was. I don’t really even know where to begin. The beinning of this game was so great. Dallas jumped out to an early 21-7 lead. Dak was looking sharp and slinging that thang like Pusha D. Serving up those hungry Jags would’ve been a great way to spend my Sunday afternoon.

    Then: disaster.

    I don’t really know what happened to our defense over the last month or so. We shit-kicked the Vikings so hard and were on top of the moon. The boring answer could be atrributed to injuries. Notorious fatass Jonathan Hankings tore his fat peck and will be out until the playoffs. Jourdan Lewis leg cracked like two months ago. The Tackling Dutchman Leighton Vander Esch left the game early with neck issues (no surprise there), and perhaps worst of all is Anthony fucking Brown. Unfortunatley never once in my life has a Dallas defense been reliable for an entire season/post-season, so I’m willing to bet this is just the annual time for God to grab his biblical strap-on and go to work on WeDemBoyz. Just in time for the holidays this year!

    Now if this IS injuries, then I blame our secondary secondary (thats the second unit of the secondary). Look I don’t hate AB as much as the rest of #CowboysNation… but I certaintly don’t love him. HOWEVER, at this point, I’d be willing to trade any part of my body (except penis of course) for his in order to get him back on the field. At some point during this game, Trevor Lawrence discovered the revolving door of touchdowns that is Bossman Trash.

    I have been waiting on Kelvin Joseph to prove himself worthy of the second round pick we used on him for awhile now. His stock fell due to off-the-field issues, and as we all know convicts thrive in either prison or on the football field. Luckily for Joseph, Jerry Jones loves questionable character more than his own family and took a nice big dirty old man swing. Unfortunatley for me it does not seem like he’s going to hit the green.

    If Dallas can’t figure out some of these defensive issues we could be in for yet another short playoff run. Sad. I’m now in my 20th year of watching super bowl expectations blow up in my face. Dallas is always so much better when no one expects them to be good. Twitter was quite upset at the team this weekend so it would not shock me one bit if we beat the piss out of the dirty birds this weekend, but as long as we head to Tampa to face children-kisser Tom Brady, we’re fucked.

    I also want to stick my middle finger as high as possible at everyone who blamed this game on Dak Prescott. He played pretty much a flawless first half, had a go-ahead drive in the final minutes, and scored 34 points which should be more than enough to beat the fucking Jaguars. If Noah Brown didn’t activate his cinder block hands Madden ability, Dak leads us down the field for the second underwhelming victory in a row. There’s no denying the first pick he threw was gross, but one play doesn’t negate all the positives.

    Unfortunately it seems Dak is basically guaranteed for one truly disgusting pick each game this season, but other than that he’s still been a top 10 QB in my eyes. I think the picks are also worse because of the dumbass look he has on his face after each one. If he didn’t let his mouth hang open like everyone’s favorite motherly-figure Brandi Love after every pick… it wouldn’t be as bad. Very similar to how Mike McCarthy gets much fatter every time they cut to him after Dallas makes a mistake. Layers and chins just appearing out of nowwhere.

    I will of course, continue to pour all my self-worth into this team and beleive whole-heartedly that I will see Mike McCarthy holding that silver Lombardi trophy at the end of the season. We can only hope he doesn’t eat it before handing it off to still-spry Jerry. See you next week for what I hope will be a celebration of the extinction of America’s national bird.

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  • Embrace the Armchair

    Have you ever felt like the smartest guy in the room? Ever watch Undisputed: Skip and Shannon and think: “I could easily do that” and “fuck Skip Bayless” ? If so, welcome to Heaven (this is not a religious post).

    I’ve been an Armchair Expert my entire life. I’ve never lost a sports debate and certainly haven’t misjudged a player’s talent or incorrectly predicted a champion before the season even begins. That’s loser shit.

    I finally have grown sick and tired of beating down the clowns I call friends in extremely important debates and will now force myself on millions (professionally). I’m taking my talents to South Beach. Prepare for me to write not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, not 8, but maybe even 9 whole blogs throughout the course of this year. I will be surprised if I don’t run multiple NFL Gms right out of town with my superior thoughts and intellect. There is no deadlier combo than my brain and a leather sofa.

    Parental Discretion is Advised.

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