• Sean Payton to Broncos, Demeco Ryans to Texans

    It is officially coach-poach season. It happens every year, I get to watch franchises who just suffered demoralizing seasons do their best to pivot and finally find the coach who will carry them to the promise land.

    Sean Payton’s face has been slapped on my Twitter feed for months now. Lots of rumors about him joining the Cowboys (which happens every time) kept him relevant and people wondering which franchise he’d save. I’m not sure when this happened, but at some point in the past two years, Sean Payton slowly morphed into the second coming of Jesus Christ. I guess I always thought he was a good coach, but when the fuck did he leap into the S tier with Belichick and Andy Reid and I can’t think of any more right now but you get the point. Honestly, I decided I was out on Sean Payton after he went on The Herd: With Colin Cowherd and said that he would NEVER go no-huddle. What a moron! No-huddle is the best and I swear every time I watch teams do it they march right up the field. Fuck giving the defense time to set up and look at formations. Just go fucking fast and snap the ball and have your players run fast and you will score. It’s really that simple. Who even cares if you turn the ball over more from going quickly? There should be more possessions since the speed of the game is faster so by my math that evens out. I mean how can you even trust a guy that can’t do simple math? I also forgot to mention they had to trade a 1st round pick for him. Gross.

    I’m sure he’ll be a major success story coaching the Broncos in 2023. Clearly, they are a franchise on the uptick, and they have the infamous Playboy Russell Wilson at the helm for like 45 more years. That’s a HC-QB combo I wouldn’t want to face every year. Watch out Chiefs Kingdom, the castle is coming down.

    Now we can move on to DeMeco Ryans. This guy is a badass. I’m choosing to believe that he really was a great DC, and wasn’t simply a product of having a shit-load of talent on that team. Too bad he’s taking over the living, breathing pile of shit that is the Houston Texans. These guys have no fucking hope. Everything they touch turns to dust before their eyes. I sure hope they don’t Medusa DeMeco Ryans because he seems cool and I hope he does a good job. If the Texans just rebranded back to the Oilers they’d actually be fucking cool. Their colors, they’re logo, there history (or lacktherof) is all just bleh. If DeMeco has the magic horseshoe maybe he can do something to turn it around. I have little faith. Not because of DeMeco, but because of the Texans. God they are just so fucking lame it makes my stomach hurt. I would recommend they just start cheating like the Astros. At least it will put them in the news and give them some sort of identify. Go find some fucking trash cans to bang on Texans.

    I can’t wait to see how the rest of the coaching switches turn out. Actually, I really don’t care. Every hire just reminds me of the fat dumb idiot we have down in Dallas. I’m sure Mike is face-deep in a pint of chocolate ice cream right now, while DeMeco cranks out 15 reps on 225. If coaches were graded on the size of their waste, we’d win the Super Bowl every year. Fuck you Philadelphia I hope Mahomes and Andy Reid (another fat boy) crush you (not a weight joke).

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  • Dallas Moves on From Kellen Moore

    The baby-faced Cowboy assassin is offically gone. I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this one so I’ll keep it short.

    At first, when I got that Bleacher Report notification, my chest swelled with happiness. Finally, it seemed like someone was pissed off at some of the dumb shit we’d been doing on the field (like everyone running curl routes). But then, a few tweets later, I learned that none other than Mike Fatass McCarthy would be calling our plays now. God damn it man we just can’t catch a break.

    I just want to be excited about something for once. I now realize that we only made this move to try and steal headlines from the Eagles making the super bowl. Fuck the Eagles, I hope they lose every game from now until I’m dead (and even after that) but at least their front office knows what they’re doing. The idea of firing Kellen Moore sounds nice, but it doesn’t make sense if you don’t have a better candidate to replace him with. I don’t know who the quality candidates would even be, and I have a bad feeling that living corpse Jerry Jones doesn’t either, which is a bummer. I’m confident that Mike McCarthy calling fat plays isn’t an upgrade. The history of head coaches that call the spaces doesn’t bode well for championship teams. I’m glad that’s us now.

    Maybe we’ll make a homerun hire or something in the next few days. I doubt it. It was so great to hear DQ would be returning for another season. I can’t say the same for coach Double Chin.

    Next year still out year though.

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  • Dallas Cowboys Offseason Outlook

    It pains me to no end that I am writing this article 3 weeks before the super bowl, but here we are. The Cowboys lost this past weekend in devastating fashion to the Niners and now the world is laughing at us again. The only way to keep my sanity is to picture us making game-changing off-season moves, even though deep down I know Jerry Jones is too senile for that now. Maybe Cap Boy stephen jones will take a crash course on how not to be a dumbass this off-season. Please stephen. I will not capitalize your name until you fix this.

    I guess we’ll start with the draft. If I see one more mock draft of Dallas taking Bijan Robinson in the first round I WILL kill myself. Why. How can we already be doing this shit again? We have now watched Zeke fall apart in front of our eyes for like 3 years now and somehow we’ve circled back around to take a RB in the first round. Taking a RB at 26 or whatever we pick at isn’t as egregious as 4, but cmon guys we can do better than that. I think WR is our most pressing offensive need right now, but an argument could be made for OL as well. If we go WR, I have no idea who we target. It doesn’t seem like this draft is very strong at that position, so that’s great. Maybe another Buckeye with Jaxon Smith-Njigba? He has a cool name, went to a cool school, and has tons of hype. Sounds like a Cowboy to me. As long as we ignore that he hasn’t played in a year and he might be slow according to a random tweet I saw, then he’s a home run.

    Of course, I HAVE seen the rumors of Deandre Hopkins swirling around. The dumpster fire Cardinals are looking to throw away talent so I’d say it’s worth a call. I’m not sure how high of a draft pick I’d be willing to give though. Honestly, Dallas is clearly lacking speed on the offense and has no vertical threat. Doesn’t really sound like Dhop, so while that idea does make my pickle wiggle a little bit, it’s probably not what we need right now. Sure would be nice if the Dolphins would trade us Tyreek Hill for like a 5th-round pick. I’d probably accept that offer.

    I would also love us to just be fucking aggressive in free agency for once. We need some more beef on the interior DL so let’s go find some chub chubs on the market. It really isn’t that hard. I sign so many free agents in Madden franchise mode and then just trade them if they don’t pan out or get too expensive. Why can’t we just operate that way? Maybe I should be the one who teaches cap boy how being an NFL GM works. It is a little demoralizing that most 17-year-olds with an Xbox could probably run our team smoother than the guys in charge. I’ll add that to my resume.

    The one thing I don’t want to turn this offseason into (it’s already begun) is a Dak Prescott circus. The anti-Dak Twitter Army has been amassing in full force the last few days, and are galvanizing behind the media shows trashing Dak for his playoff performance. Dak shit his pants on live TV, there’s no denying that. HOWEVER, acting like he’s the worst QB ever and has no shot at ever winning a super bowl is not the way to behave right now. People don’t seem to understand that 1. Dak doesn’t fucking suck and 2. He’s on a big-ass contract that isn’t going anywhere. How can people just instantly forget the only reason we even FACED the 49ers is Dak? I listened to a podcast the other day, so I’m basically an expert on this matter now: Mike Fatass McCarthy runs his offense in a way that puts tremendous pressure on the QB. Basically, every game we play is either won or lost based on how Dak plays. This was our second straight 12-5 season (yes I know Cooper Rush went 4-1 fuck off). How about instead of kicking our QB to the curb, maybe we could upgrade the roster around him? Just a quick thought experiment.

    Now, on the other hand, I can totally get behind firing this staff. The only one I like is DQ but he’s all but assured to be a head coach again. To put it simply: Mike McCarthy is just too fat. We’ll never win with him literally dragging us down. Kellen Moore, you can go too you baby-faced bitch. I am so fucking sick and tired of watching all 4 WRs just run 8-yard curls. Seriously what the fuck is that? People have been talking about Sean Payton like he’s the second coming of Christ for some team this off-season. The media dick-riding someone like that usually means they’re way off and there’s some agenda but fuck it. I can’t take another year of fat boy and baby man. We need someone that runs an offense that actually makes it easy on their QB. I think most people believe that the Chiefs make it harder on Mahomes because he’s so good, or the Bengals do that with Burrow. Brock Purdy is gonna win the fucking Super Bowl and he does the bare minimum. Not everyone has the weapons that he has, but the point still stands: make the QBs job easy. I hope Mike McCarthy finds a way to piss Jerry off. Maybe he’ll have an affair with his wife or something (he’s probably too fat for that though). Does Jerry even have a wife? If so, she’s probably at least 30 years younger. That pantry must be filled to the brim with Viagra.

    I could use a Viagra right now. I haven’t been feeling as macho these last few days. Maybe a dick pill will help get me out of the slump. Or maybe Dallas could just get to an NFC Championship, that would get me going. Maybe next year!

  • Yes, The Cowboys Broke My Heart Again

    Easily the hardest blog I’ve had to write so far, even though I’ve written it in my head 22 times now.

    This evening the Cowboys lost to the 49ers 19-12. I’m not in a good mindset right now, but I’m going to try extremely hard to recap this game and fight through the agony.

    Dallas had so many chances to win this game. It was so close for so long but they just couldn’t do enough to snag a lead and hold on. Unfortunately, I think Dak Prescott deserves the most blame for this loss today. He just wasn’t very good, plain and simple. To me, this game flipped on its heels when the Cowboys were in SF territory right before half with a chance to take the lead (the score was 6-6). It was 4th and 5, and thanks to Brett Maher continuing to mentally combust live on national television, Dallas rolled the dice and went for it. I didn’t hate the call, and for a brief moment, it seemed like the right one. Dak scrambled for the first down on that play, but what happened after really sucked ass. Tony Pollard caught a nice check-down for like 9 yards but suffered an injury on the play that knocked him out for the game. Brutal. Pretty much immediately after that, Dak stared down CeeDee Lamb and forced a pass into double coverage that was picked off. Fucking brutal. THEN, it looked like Kyle Shanahan was just gonna run out the clock (I was shocked and happy), but of course, Brock fucking Purdy hit Jennings down the field and out of bounds to get SF into field goal range. SO fucking brutal.

    Dallas should’ve been up AT LEAST 10-6, maybe even 14-6 going into the half, but somehow found themselves down 3. I can’t help but imagine what could’ve been, had Brett Maher not shown up to the game with his underwear already soiled. I feel bad for him, but he actually affected how McCarthy had to call the game. I’m not saying it’s TOTALLY his fault that Pollard got hurt and Dak’s brain shut off again, but those two events don’t happen if we just kick (just saying). I’d remove the fingernail from my pinky fingers to have someone like Robby Gould who apparently has never missed a fucking kick in the playoffs before. Must be nice.

    The second half had a few good things happen. A muffed punt from SF and a few nice plays from Ceedee Lamb, but after that, you could just feel the game tilting. Dallas’s defense started to get gassed and the run game for the Niners started to slowly choke us out. Brock Purdy really didn’t do much, but he doesn’t have to. He played mistake-free football and hit a few big throws (mostly to Kittle) that were the difference. Speaking of Kittle, he made a wild circus catch in this game that shouldn’t have happened. Trevon Diggs yet again made a weak ass attempt at hitting someone which is what allowed the catch. He also dropped a pick that fell right in his lap on SF’s only touchdown drive. He’s been really good this year, but those are two game-changing plays that he wasn’t able to make.

    I’d also like to formally question Kevontae Turpin for a second. At one point it looked like he had a surefire kickoff return TD. There were two gaping holes to the left and right, yet he chose the one path that stopped him from scoring: running directly into the kicker. “I drove by the fork in the road, and went straight.” – Jay Z, Kevontae Turpin.

    As for where the Cowboys go from here? I honestly have no fucking clue. Clearly, we need more firepower at the skill positions. It sure would’ve been nice to have someone like, I don’t know, Amari Cooper in a game like this. Maybe we can trade a 5th round pick for a guy like that or something. Outside of KC, Dallas clearly has the weakest skill position group from today’s playoff teams (and KC doesn’t even count because they have Mahomes). You just can’t win in today’s NFL with only 1 dynamic receiving/running threat. Zeke has been running in quicksand for a while now, and our lack of speed outside of TP has been a real killer this season. It’s very convenient that this year is one of the worst free-agent WR classes ever! We also could use some help in the secondary and LB group. I guess I’ll just have to hope and pray we nail a few draft picks because Jerry is too old and crippled to trade for anybody worth a damn.

    I also wouldn’t mind seeing us move on from this coaching staff. I know it’s not beneficial to have a coaching carousel for continuity reasons, but I feel like we may have hit the ceiling with these guys. It just sucks going up against someone like Shanahan, Andy Reid, or Brian Daboll and being so clearly at a disadvantage. I don’t think McCarthy sucks, but what else are we getting from him? Dan Quinn is likely gone, and Kellen Moore has pissed me off so many times that I won’t miss him (even though he wasn’t horrible today). I would just like to see what Sean Payton could do with Dak and this group. He seems to be the best name available, and he has a history with the Cowboys. I know this next name won’t happen, but I’d love to see Jerry drop a $20M bag at Kirby Smart’s doorstep. I have no idea if he’d be any good in the NFL without a roster that isn’t leaps and bounds above everyone else, but at least he’d convince the locker room that they’re the most worthless group of humans alive, and are guaranteed to go 0-17. Dallas could use a little propaganda.

    This is the worst time of year, and I am very sad right now. It feels like our super bowl window is closing fast, and I hope this wasn’t our last chance. It’s hard to put together an incredible roster with a $40M QB, but it’s not impossible. I still believe Dak can win us a super bowl, but he’s definitely not gonna carry a below-average team. I also don’t wanna hear anyone bitch about his contract right now- he got paid like the market demands and is still firmly in the top 10 QBs right now. I think we’ve seen his ceiling and he isn’t in that elite tier with Mahomes, Herbert, Burrow, and Allen. You are a fucking idiot if you think you NEED one of those guys to win a super bowl (watch Brock Purdy do it this year) though.

    I already miss watching the Boys play, and will look forward to seeing them again next season. No matter what, I’m always gonna ride for my team. This shit is for life.

  • AVATAR: The Way of Water Review

    WARNING: This is a SPOILER Reivew. For the illiterate people that means DON’T READ if you HAVEN’T SEEN this movie.

    It’s been like 13 years since the debut of the #1 highest-grossing movie of all time, Avatar. That movie was so fucking awesome back then, and it’s still fucking awesome today. I’ve been waiting for the sequel for a long time and held my breath waiting for James Cameron to raise the bar (again).

    After watching the movie for the second time earlier this morning, I can confidently say Bar: raised. It’s James fucking Cameron, the guy refuses to miss. He also gets bonus points for all the “Fuck You’s” he’s delivered along the way. People have been bitching and moaning about the Avatar franchise and calling it overrated blah blah blah anyone who says that is a loser and a hater. That’s why it’s gonna close to the $2 billion mark. James Cameron owns you pussies.

    Honestly, this movie didn’t even feel like a sequel. To me, it felt like an extension of the first one, and we simply got an extra 3-hour cut, but with even better special effects. I guess we’ll talk about that first: this movie has some of the best visuals you will ever see. It takes all the cool-ass stuff we saw on Pandora the first time around and just makes it even better. The colors, the CG, the shots, it’s all just so goddamn beautiful. After watching the recent garbage that Marvel has been shoving down my throat, it was nice to see something that took clearly took time and effort (things all movies should display) to look good. Most of the CGI and special effects nowadays (specifically Marvel you cheap fucks) looks like shit because it’s rushed and horribly shot in a big studio with 4 colored walls. That shit is wack. James Cameron walked into the studio and took a giant shit on all that and delivered one of the coolest movies you will ever see, with like 12 more on the way.

    This movie is mostly about the new Sully Family. Jake Sully and Neytiri have a couple of kids and they’re all happy and shit until BAM: the Sky People come back. Didn’t see that coming. Fast-forward about 1 year and the Na’vi find themselves in another war with shithead humans. Eventually, Jake realizes his new fam might be in a little danger, so they pack up and head for the sea clans. This is where we get about 85% of the plot. Much like Jake learning about the forest in the first movie, the whole family is now learning “The Way of Water” and trying to adapt to their new environment. However this time around, the Sully kids and new comrades/bullies take up the majority of the plot. Jake is still very much around, but the focus has clearly shifted to his children as they drive most of the story. This can be pretty risky, but in my opinion, the kids had good personalities, were entertaining, and really didn’t annoy me. They act like dumbasses a lot but that’s what teenagers do and I guess Na’vi kids aren’t any more intelligent than human ones.

    The main reason behind the Sully relocation was the new Avatar version of unlikeable asshole Miles Quaritch and his gang of gung-ho military ra ras. I’ve seen the memes of the blue military people and they’re pretty fucking funny, but I still think it works for the movie. But anyways, Quaritch is back and bluer than ever and here to murder Jake Sully and probably a few of his young children. While he’s still got the memories and personality of the OG Quaritch, to me it still felt like a slightly different character. A lot of his time is spent getting more familiar with Pandora and interacting with it in Na’vi form, which might’ve caused a few changes along the way. I smell a potential redemption arc going on here. He’s also tagging along with his son, Spider (lol), who was just a baby when human-Quaritch died. I fuck with Spider personally, but I have a feeling most people will probably hate him. He talks like a lot of humans do in real life, so he says a lot of stupid shit and calls everybody “bro.” He’s kind of like the reverse Jar Jar Binks since everyone else is digital and he’s the only real one. Go on though Spider, do the damn thing.

    The change of scenery to the island clans and water terrain allowed Cameron to do some crazy shit. Anything that happened in the water was just mindblowing. I could be wrong, but I’ve heard that all the water in this movie was digital??? I don’t even know how that’s possible. Watching them ride their new water-dragon pets and swim around with weird-ass whales was a good time. No complaints.

    For me, this movie even struck a few emotional chords. Eventually, one of the Sully boys croaks and it was a real bitch to watch. They sucked me in and god damnit I actually care about this alien family. It was also sick watching Jake and Neytiri just cut people down in rage after that. That’s another thing- the action in this movie really surprised me and is top-notch. The whole third act is basically a huge chaotic action sequence, with boats and whales and sea dragons and guns and bows and arrows. Bodies are flying all over the place and it’s just destruction and chaos every 5 seconds. James fucking Cameron baby.

    I would compare this movie to a great blowjob: extremely satisfying. I had a grin on my face the whole time, and all I did was sit there. If every movie felt like this, I’d never leave the theater. Way to go James Cameron, you’ve tickled my nuts once again.

  • Brandon Staley Belongs in Prison

    I know we’re all thinking it. This past weekend, everyone’s favorite fuck-ups, the San Diego* Chargers blew a 27-0 lead to the…. Jags. That would be my opening testimony during my prosecution of Brandon Staley if I were a Chargers fan.

    How can something like this possibly happen. The world was watching Trevor Lawrence set fire to his reputation with 4 first half interceptions. He was quite literally giving the game to the Chargers, until Brandon Staley put his foot down and said ENOUGH.

    I could ask the average football fan, hell, I could probably ask the far below-average football fan what a good strategy might be with a 27-0 lead: run the ball. I’m not one your’re normally going to hear saying those words, but even I can admit a little slow burn run game action in the second half probably would have just got the job done. It’s way more exciting to watch Justin Herbert throw piss-missles into tight windows like a fucking man, but I have to imagine all 46 Chargers fans would’ve settled for some clean, professional handoffs for an hour and a half.

    Unfortunatley, this game is simply a microcosm of all the dumb shit Brandon Staley has done since becoming head coach. Justin Herbert is the human equivilant of a ballistic missle (or at leas his arm is), yet somehow Baby Face Brandon has managed to turn him into a check down merchant. I don’t watch the Chargers much but when I do I’m extremely fucking annoyed. It’s football sex when those footballs fly in white-hot down the field, yet it rarely happens! Justin Herbert doesn’t need tight windows to be there, he creates them himself. It’s not out of the question that he could throw a football through a defender and kill him for the completion. Instead of seeing that, Staley tickles our balls all season with a bunch of dump off passes to Austin Ekeler.

    The only real explanation must be that Staley has drafted Austin Ekeler in fantasy football for several seasons now (PPR league of course). There is just no other reason to pepper him with 400 targets every season. I also refuse to place blame on Justin Herbert himself. His face is a lot less annoying that Brandon, also we apparaently have an offensive coordinator scape goat as well. I never know when to blame the OC vs the HC. At some point you’d think the head coach would step in and say “that ain’t right?” To be honest it doesn’t look like Staley has the balls. That’s another thing- how does he give these guys orders? It feels like they’re the ones who should be bossing him around. I am now reminded of Joey Bosa slamming his helmet, Brandon Staley scurrying in like a rat and HANDING it back to him, only for Bosa to slam it AGAIN. What the fuck is that? Was Bosa gonna put him timeout? Or spank him in the locker room if his little helmet bitch didn’t grab it for him? Fired on the spot.

    I might have to officially declare myself the champion of the Charger’s fans. Will no one else take a stand? It’s not enough to just fire coaches anymore, the punishment must be more severe. It needs to equate to the emotional damage and trauma they put us fans through. From now on, coaches should serve a year in prison for each losing/disapointing season they bring to the team. I honestly beleive this will change the game for the better. With the added pressure, only more esteemed and confident coaches will want the jobs. This will lead to better performance overall. No pressure no diamonds. Unfortunately there has to be a guniea pig, and I elect Brandon Staley. It does feel a little wrong, considering he does have a feminine face. I think he should really try hard to avoid all the Joey Bosa types in the clink. I don’t think they’ll take kindly to him being late with a helmet delivery.

    https://twitter.com/SuckingOnCock/status/1614480941409247236?s=20&t=vb2DImMW3Gj7cqjRUswwcw

    Anyways, good luck future NFL coaches. Prison awaits. Finally we will get some form of justive for all the shit we’ve dealt with as fans. It isn’t an easy life. But such is the way of progress. It was only a matter of time before something like this happened. Prison for Brandon.

  • Cowboys vs. Bucs Game Review

    Welp, we got one boys. After four long years the Cowboys finally secured a playoff victory against Tompa Bay. Also, finally beat Tom Brady for the first time ever. That’s a solid A+ night in my book.

    We started out rocky as fuck (no surprise there) with a couple 3 and outs. Then, Dak went retarded stupid. It was a quiet night for the Dak haters. He was throwing lasers all over the field and had total command of the offense. God damnit it was just beautiful to watch.

    I was waiting all night for the magic horshoe in Tom Brady’s ass to activate and start the inevitable comeback rally, but it never totally manifested. Big word. Despite a herculean effort to keep Tom Brady in the game from closeted Tampa Bay superfan Brett Maher, the Cowboys never let go of the lead. It would’ve been totally on brand for this team and this season to blow a commanding lead to a legendary QB (fuck you Aaron Rodgers) but Dak Prescott whipped his nuts out and dragged them all across the Jolly Rogers in porn-like fashion.

    Now the boys are headed off to the Bay Area to face NFL MVP Brock Purdy. It’s not going to be easy taking down the handsome backfield of him and Christian McCafferey. No doubt we’ll be the underdogs- the Niners may be the best (and most handsome) team in the league, but Dallas proved once again tonight that they can play with anyone when they bring their A game. This game is set to be a rematch from last years wild-card round where the Niners bounced us at our crib thanks to 14 penalties and way too much Deebo Samuel. The only thing on our minds this week should be revenge. Last year we were at a disadvantage, as we were clearly distracted by Jimmy G’s Italian handsomeness. Thank goodness that won’t be a problem this year.

    Honestly, the biggest concern for next week is Brett Maher of all people. He quite literally shit his pants on live TV today. The game was mostly out of hand, so he became Twitter’s punching bag for the night, and deservedly so. People were actually tuning in just to see him miss more extra points. I’m pretty sure he broke a record by missing 4 in a row or something. Nice. Our best hope is that he’s secretly bankrupt and took Bucs ML tonight to pay off a mortgage or feed his family or something. He’s been pretty good this season so I can’t think of another reason he’d decide to spread his cheeks and poop on our fanbase tonight. I wonder how many more we’ll tolerate before Big Fat Mike decides no more and starts going for two. Surprised it’s taken him this long since he seems like a guy that’d be eager to double portion size.

    My happiness has now been extended another week. I’ll give myself a nice pat on the back and enjoy this week, but it’s back to business very soon. It certainly does feel good to send Tom Brady home. At least now he has more time to makeout with his children.

    Go Cowboys.

  • Is Kirby Smart a threat to National Security?

    Alright, some weird shit has been going on, and I’m not the only one whose been noticing. Since the Georgia Bulldawgs emabarssed the Hypno Toads 65-7 in the CFB National Championship, a lot of the UGA players have taken to Twitter to share their outlook on this season.

    MULTIPLE players have been quoted saying “ya’ll thought we was goin 7-5 this season, listen to ya’ll now.” What the fuck? What news articles are these guys reading? This is the modern age, every single one of them has access to Twitter, ESPN, Instagram, whatever. How can this roster stuffed with 5 star and 4 star recruits possibly have this mentality?

    Sure, I think a SOMEWHAT noticeable dropoff could’ve been expected for Georgia. They lost like 72 players to the NFL, so you would expect them to maybe be quite not as good as the dominant natty team that one last year. HOWEVER, that is far from thinking these dudes were gonna plummet off a cliff and suck ass, right?

    Apparently that’s dead fucking wrong.

    I am hereby calling for an official investigation of Kirby Smart. What is his background exactly? Was a psychology major in college? Are we SURE he isn’t a distance relative from any (anonymmous) dictators currently located between China and Japan (he fits the build, just saying). The brainwashing of these young men is growing to a level nearly unprecedented in the Americas. I even remember watching Kirby’s halftime interview of the natty. They were already beating the piss out of TCU and they came out in the second half and basically doubled their point total. A few of his pre-game speeches have also gotten leaked, and I’ve gotta say, it’s impressive. I’m no bulldawg but even I was ready to strap-on a spiked collar and try to run through a much larger human than me. I felt unstoppable.

    And therein lies the problem. If Kirby can get an unassuming boy on his couch riled up from just an audio clip, I can only imagine how a 6’3 250 lb. Linebacker would feel after a year with this guy. I mean we’re talking real danger to people on AND off the field. Do they attack every part of their lives this way? Do these world class athletes feel 7-5 at all times? Your’e taking “nobody believes in us fuel” (stronger than rocket fuel) and injecting it into the veins of crazy testosterone-filled freak athletes. I think the University of Georgia should be forced to implement mandatory warning signs wherever the football players are lurking around. I’d be afraid for my life walking to my 3 PM Calc 2 class every Tuesday/Thursday. Damnit I miss college.

    https://twitter.com/FweaguyKJ_/status/1612657635316367360?s=20&t=KoqfLDWA5PeDbfo1FWH11w

    Regardless, we can’t let the insanity of this just pass us by. What happens when he digs another layer and convinces them they should’nt even make a bowl game? Or maybe the entire media thinks they’ll go winless? He would have borderline take-over-the-world capabilities at that point. I can think of several third-world countries that wouldn’t go to war with a Georgia team that thinks Twitter predicted them going 2-10. I’m already keeping my eyes peeled for Kirby Smart presidential campaigns. I’m curious where the Smart dynasty will lead us over the course of my life. It’s either we arrest him now or lead us into the Golden Age as we become the next North Korea

    Either way, God Bless America.

  • Will the Cowboys Break my Heart again?

    Well, it’s that time of year again. I’m about to enter the black hole of depression that I fall into every year for the 23rd time: the NFL playoffs.

    Now, fortunately for my mental health the Cowboys haven’t made the playoffs every year since my birth. They manage to break it a little sooner fairly often. Sometimes, mercifully, they choose to suck dick early on so the year is simply a mind-numbing trance vs. a traumatizing catastrophe.

    The playoffs are my Black Plague. Actually, to be honest, I think I would rather catch the Black Plague than suffer through this much longer. Think of any type of cruel and unusual punishment and I promise I would prefer it to the pain my beloved Cowboys bring me very single year. The good news is this year I see it coming. I’ve been blinded by youth and boyish ignorance in my prior years but not this time. Last year was the last straw. I had the pleasure (pain) of getting to see a home playoff game @ AT&T Stadium in person against the San Francisco Jimmy Garrapolo’s last year and it was so fucking awesome (until the end). I remember that drive away from the stadium so vividly the tears still well up sometimes. Not this year.

    This year we get to face another ridicuously handsome QB in the first round: Tommy Brady. Tom Brady not only has more super bowl rings than Jimmy G but he has also kissed more children as well. Jimmy prefers to save his beautiful lips for liquid hot porn stars.

    The Bucs cannot run the ball, have a senior citizen at QB, a losing record, and are objectively fucking trash. We are so fucked. In my humble opinion the strongest part left of this Bucs team is their defensive line. I already mentioned this in another blog, but our baby-faced moron of an OC loves running the ball, especially in extremely predictable fashion on first down. Maybe he’ll pull a miracle switch-a-roo and go hella pass heavy and we’ll dot those bitches up with our dynamic recieving group. Oh wait, we don’t have one of those either. The only thing I know FOR SURE, is that Dak Prescott WILL throw a pick at some point. I’m hoping its his first pass of the game. That will give him plenty of time to recalibrate and be excellent for almost 4 quarters. We’re gonna need A+ Dak post-pick in order to have a chance against the magic horshoe in Tom Brady’s ass.

    At this point, the only thing the Cowboys have going for them is the “Nobody Believes in Us” factor. I certainly don’t. We managed to played our worst football towards the end of the season so the media has done a predictable 180 on us in the last few weeks. Hopefully all the experts on TV pick against us and give us a real shot this weekend. Also, we have this magic schedule pattern that is currently playing in our favor.

    If the pattern stays true, we’re on pace to win 4 games in a row and win the Super Bowl. I’m not saying this schedule thing makes us a lock… but it sure does feel a lot like destiny. Damnit, I’ve done it again. I’m all in. We can definitely win the bowl this year. All it’s gonna take is the entire media picking against us, a few good games from Dak (sans the guaranteed interception) and we’re home sweet home, back where we belong. The NFC is so much weaker than the AFC, at least at QB. I think all of these factors can counteract the horseshoe.

    The Cowboys were built for December football. That’s why Mike McCarthy stays as fat as he is- he’s ready for the winter. It doesn’t matter were headed off to Florida for the first game, I know he doens’t plan on losing any weight soon. He’s sending a message to his team with his body. Let’s fucking go Mike. Get the boys fired up, smash a few watermelons, and let’s go beat loyal husband Tom Brady for the first time ever. We Dem Boyz.

    Here we come.

  • National Championship Recap

    Georgia vs. TCU is the 2022 College Football National Championship match. I am writing this blog with 7:34 left in the 3rd quarter. It’s 45-7.

    I fucking hate TCU, but even I didn’t want to see them go out like this. Everybody doubted them all year, only for them to “shock the world” when they beat Michigan in the semi-finals. I was expecting a decently competitive game- the frisky underdog David vs. the overwhelming Goliath. At least give David a puncher’s chance right? Fuck no.

    Georgia has officially grabbed college football by the balls. Kirby Smart cannot be stopped. Going into the half, up a million points, he was still pissed off and clearly kept whipping those Dawgs into a frenzy. He needs to be stopped before he’s be charged with manslaughter when his cracked-out team gives a program the first ever on-field death penalty. They are just on another level.

    My mind has now shifted to wondering about the safety/sanity of Athens, Georgia tonight. Those psycho-southerners are already world-class alcoholics and winning a national championship for the second straight year isn’t exactly going to send them to AA meetings. Stetson Bennet was clearly blasted on TV for a national interview last year. What will the 5th (6th?) year senior (citizen) have in store for us this year? The guy is 25 years old. Most people his age are starting their young careers, trying to move on from college life. Stetson should be posting his first Real Estate transaction on Instagram right now, and instead, he’ll probably go bar-hopping in Los Angeles looking for a nice lady and a bag of coke to cap off is 12 years of college.

    I took a 15 minute break to take a shit while writing this and Georgia now has 65. TCU needs to consider throwing in the towel. What does the TCU coaching staff even say to these kids at this point? Me personally, I’d just quit. You can’t lose if you quit. I’ve actually never lost something in my life. I either win or I quit. Quitters never lose. That would’ve been my message to the team. Better to quit down 30 or so than let it get to where it is now. I feel bad for watching at this point. It feels wrong, inappropriate perhaps.

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    I’m embarrassed for the TCU parents who told their poor kids they had a shot tonight. I got a Bleacher Report notification about some TCU watch party earlier. I can only imagine how that’s going.

    After thinking on it a little more, I am now more worried for the blood alcohol content of TCU fans tonight than UGA. Depressive drinking is worse than celebratory drinking. Georgia might not even care anymore honestly, everyone could be wrapped up and in bed by 10 PM. Worst national championship of my lifetime. That 15 minute shit I took was the most pleasurable part of my night.

    Maybe we’ll get em next year. I am still waiting for my beloved Oklahoma Sooners to compete at this level. Feels impossible after tonight, but damnit I’m gonna hope!

    As always, Fuck Texas.