• NFL Week 7 Mortal Locks

    I’m just gonna have to pretend that Thursday Night didn’t happen. Calvin Ridley Over 80 yards might be one of the worse picks of my career after he had 1 catch for 5 yards. Derek Carr has proven he’s one of the worst QBs in the NFL and also one of the most obnoxious and annoying. Sailing a pass 15 yards out of bounds and then screaming at Chris Olave for “giving up on the route” is peak Derek Carr. Fuck you Derek, you cowardly checkdown merchant. Time for me to make a few rage-fueled picks and bounce back today.

    Raiders -2.5 @ Chicago

    • The last time I picked the Raiders they barely came through on a lucky safety against NE. I can’t tell you how not good it feels to pick them at road favorites, but there’s just no way Tyson Bagnet can win an NFL game. Jimmy G is out and I’m hoping and praying they play Aidan O’Connell over Bryan Hoyer. Just lean on that run game and hope Bagnet doesn’t complete some lucky long-bomb bullshit.

    Miami +3 @ Philly

    • This is without a doubt a heart-over-head pick. Fuck the Eagles, I will never pick them and I hope Miami kicks their teeth in. The Eagles are vulnerable in the secondary and I’d love nothing more than to see Tyreek Hill scurry around back there for like 4 TDs. Another 3 int week from Jalen Hurts would be pretty epic too but I have a feeling he goes ultra conservative to overcompensate for last week. America NEEDS Miami to beat these motherfuckers on primetime SNF.

    LA Chargers ML (+220) @ Kansas City

    • Rule #1 in life: never bet on the Chargers. I’ve decided it’s just time to break all the rules on this Sunday. I just don’t believe in KC’s offense with the current weapons. They still have Pat Mahomes and the Chargers secondary is ass so if they go up early this could be an easy cover for them, but I’m here to live on the wild side. Scared money don’t make money and today Brandon Staley is holding all my cards.

    Bills -7.5 @ New England

    • 7.5 points is a pretty big spread on the road, but it’s hard not to be confident in this one. There is a solid chance Buffalo only needs to score 8 points to hit this cover. McCorkle Jones and the Pats put out the most pathetic display of offensive ability week after week and there’s no way I trust them to keep this close. As long as we don’t get a classic Josh Allen dick-around game then we’re set.

    Lamar Jackson 300+ alt passing yards (+750)

    • The odds are just too good to pass up on this one. Ravens vs. Lions has a chance to pop off and if that happens you’re gonna want everyone’s over. The Ravens have played 0 good QBs so the Lions should be able to score points. I’m not convinced Detroit has an elite defense all of a sudden either- the Ravens just need to stop fucking up. They are so Jekyll and Hyde it’s so frustrating to watch. Lamar has a few nuclear games a year so we just need to hope we’re catching him on the right week.

    I feel a lot better about these picks than I did my Thursday ones. It’s too bad the Saints don’t play again today because now I know to just hammer the over on Alvin Kamara’s receptions every week. Good thing I’ve adopted the no-checkdown rule and will only bet on QBs who throw piss-missles down the field like mf MEN. Tua, Lamar, Josh Allen, Aidan OC, Justin Herbert will certainly not let me down today. Let’s have a Sunday.

  • Thursday Night Football Locks of the Century

    For once we actually have a decent TNF Game. The Jags and Saints aren’t great but at leas there are entertaining athletes on both teams that could possibly keep out eyes attended to the TV for one fucking Thursday. Of course, that probably means we’ll get treated to a 10-7 game since we can’t have anything nice but at least we can be false excited! I have a few picks that are 100% guaranteed to win money and if they lose then it basically doesn’t count so let’s get it.

    Jacksonville Jaguars +1.5 @ New Orleans (-118)

    • I have been one flip flopping mother fucker when it comes to the Jags. They still sit atop my fraud watch but there’s an interesting thing going on with the Saints: they fucking SUCK at home. Since when is playing in front of WhoDat Nation at the Superdome a bad thing? I guess that’s where we are now in 2023. I hope the Jag’s candy-ass uniforms don’t come back to bite me. This bet does not count if Trevor Lawrence ends up being OUT.

    Alvin Kamara to Score a TD (+130)

    • This is one of those bets that you can kind of just plug in every week. AK is a touch monster (not in a pedo way) so he’s always a good bet to find the end zone. He may or may not be past his prime but that’s why the NFL gave him 3 weeks off to start the season- always lookin’ out for the good guys.

    Calvin Ridley 80+ alt receiving yards (+250)

    • Ridley has been somewhat disappointing from a stats/fantasy perspective this year which is why the odds are so nice on this alt line. I’m pretty much banking on a 100 yard game here and that’s well within his talent level. I just need TLaw (if he plays) to stop meat riding Christian Kirk for one game and find Calvin for a few targets.

    Those are pretty much the only bets I like for tomorrow. Too hard to tell with Lawrence’s current status and wackness of TNF games. I could sprinkle some coin on Taysom Hill to score a TD but it would honestly just piss me off if he did. I’m just hoping and praying Derek Carr doesn’t cry at the press conference if they lose at home again tomorrow.

  • Cowboys Beat Chargers on MNF

    I can’t even be happy about this win. Actually, I guess a little part of me can still be happy about a Cowboys W but this one was filled with rage and sadness. Mike McCarthy has brought out a fury in me that I didn’t know I had. The Cowboys offense is one of the most pathetic I’ve seen in some time. Shit play calling, shit play designs, and shit head coach running the whole thing. It makes to sick to my stomach and caused me to vomit uncontrollably at least 4 times this Monday night.

    We offically have one play that works: Dak pass to Ceedee Lamb. Unfortunately, we only ran thatt play 7 fucking times. Dak’s biggest flaw tonight was his undying love for targeting Michael Gallup. I don’t know if it finished that way but for a long time those were his only incompletions tonight. Hey big fat dumbass: use Brandin Cooks and Ceedee Lamb and stop running the fucking ball for 2 yards a carry. I swear he loves running it up the gut for no gain more than his own wife. Any competent offensive coordinator couldn’t dropped 30 on that shit Chargers secondary.

    It started pretty bad for the defense, but they got the job done tonight. They made Herbert look like shit all night and made plays when they had to. It was honestly kind of hard to judge because the refs interrupted the game every other play. I’d like to complain they were horrible for Dallas but I know LA got shafted a few times too. Those Zebras sure do love throwing those little yellow things on third downs at critical moments. Whatever, I guess it evened out enough for Dallas to take the W. Thank you to Micah Parsons to finally showing up and giving a monster sack on the final drive.

    My hope for the season remains grim. I don’t see how we’ll be able to make a deep playoff push with this offense. I want to fight my TV at all times, throwing jabs like I’m Floyd. I knocked Mike McCarthy out so many times over the last few hours, left his ass cold on the canvas. Don’t even get me started on his cowardly decision to not take an end zone shot at the end of the first half. I wish Jerry would have the guts to leave his ass in Los Angeles. The problem is our roster is good enough to scrub out a few wins like this one and it’ll be just enough for Jerry’s dimentia to convince him that Mike McCarthy is good. It’s a sick fucking joke how he managed to put such a strong roster together but just can’t figure out the biggest issue staring at his cold dark lifeless eyes. It’s a good and sad day at the same time.

  • NFL Week 6 Mortal Locks

    Thursday Night Football was a success in my eyes. Went 3-2 on the picks with 1 of those being a hail mary defensive touchdown so that basically doesn’t count. Even with Denver’s crap defense I might have overestimated KC’s offense to this point in the season- the lack of weapons is disturbing. Regardless, I was just building up the momentum to have another huge day on the gambling front. Once this juggernaught gets going there’s nothing that can stop me (except Mike McCarthy’s fat ass).

    Jaguars -3.5 vs. Colts (-118)

    • I’m on record saying I do NOT believe in the Jags and have them high on my fraud watch. That being said, I am addicted to fading them against their own division unless it’s Houston. I’d be all over the Colts this week if Big Tony didn’t get hurt AGAIN but sadly he is out. Gardner is fine as a spot starter but the Colts roster isn’t good enough to prop him up for long. Geaux Jags.

    Seahawks +3 @ Cincy (-115)

    • I’m pretty nervous about this one. I guess I’m officially planting my flag in saying that even after last week the Bengals are NOT back. Burrow’s calf didn’t magically get better in 1 week and as great as Jamar is he can’t drop 200 every game. I’m playing against him in fantasy today so he’ll probably go off again today but Seattle is a good team. The counter here is the Seahawks are riding high after beating a shit Giants team. Not confident either way but until Geno writes me back I’m rolling with him.

    Lions -3 @ Bucs (-110)

    • This might be the first time ever in my life that the Lions are favorites on the road. It could be the final determination whether they are a legit team in the NFC or not. They should win this game based on talent but it’s an obvious potential letdown spot for a historically embarassing franchise. I’m a believer in the New Era Lions and I’ve never been known to be scared of Todd Bowles. Don’t Goff this one up.

    Texans ML vs Saints (+112)

    • Can the Texans come thru for me for a 3rd straight time? I didn’t take them last week vs. the Falcons but now I see a bounce back. If I’m a true StroudBoy (which I am) then I have to get loud and rowdy against WhoDat nation this week. I do not fear Derek Carr aka Mr. Cry at all. Stroud also might never throw an interception so that really plays in my favor. I wish the odds were a little better but regardless this is a heroic play.

    Raiders -2.5 vs. New England

    • The Patriots might actually be the worst team in the NFL. Counterpoint: The Raiders might also be the worst team in the NFL. I fucking hate watching Raider’s games but I do it because I support my fantasy guys (Josh Jacobs) like a fucking hero. Josh McClowniels will probably get his shit ran by his former daddy Bill Belichick, who might now also be a clown. I just can’t put my money in Mac Jones’ hands because he’d simply throw it across his body to the other team.

    I’m way less confident in my picks now than I was last night. That might be the lack of light beers in my system at the moment. I’ll get some more extremely light beers back in my bloodstream to either cope with the disappointment or double the excitement. Cheers to another Sunday.

  • Thursday Night Football Mortal Locks

    God I’m fucking hot. I went 4-1 on my last Sunday locks post and like a teenage girl in a school zone I don’t show any signs of slowing down. Thursday Night Football in week 6 features the Broncos and the Chiefs. It’s a sick fucking joke that Roger Goodell put Russell Wilson on primetime for the entire nation to see but he has always been a worse man than Satan. Spoiler alert I will be fading the fuck out of Russ and rooting for a Chiefs blowout allll night long.

    Kansas City -10.5 vs. Denver (-110)

    • For anyone who can’t read I pretty much already told you who I’d be riding with tomorrow. The Broncos defense might be the worst in the league and their offense is basically impotent. Their offense is basically a cock shooting blanks. Nice job Shawn Peyton.

    Isiah Pacheco O13.5 Receiving Yards (-114)

    • I wanna take everyone on the Chief’s over on this game because of the pathetic Broncos D. I’m pretty much banking on him catching one screen pass and breaking away or something. Everyone elses lines are juiced as hell and 13.5 is low enough for me to jump on it. Don’t fuck me here Pacheco.

    Travis Kelce O6.5 Receptions (+102)

    • I don’t like betting on a TEs yards so I migh as well go with catches here. Mr. Taylor Swift’s odds to catch a touchdown are juiced as fuck too. I wouldn’t mind parlaying this with an anytime TD bet so I guess we’ll see how ballsy I start feeling tomorrow night. Maybe a few brews in my tummy will get my trigger finger itching (that’s a metaphorical trigger finger).

    Chiefs O29.5 (-102)

    • This total is way too high and I actually hate it but I just have to keep with the theme of riding the Chiefs here. They might end up getting too far ahead and just start running the ball like some cowards but I guess I’ll just have to live with that reality. I must emphatically reiterate that I will NEVER put my money in the hands of Russell Wilson.

    Chiefs Defense to score a TD (+490)

    • It’s kind of hilarious that the odds are this low. Broncos D to score is +2300. Vegas is telling all of America that their offense sucks a whole lot of ass. Might as well throw one hail mairy play in there even if this really is only like a 40 yard first down.

    I guess that settles it. We ride with Chiefs Kingdom at dawn. See you losers on the other side of a 4-0 Thursday night.

  • 49ers Crush Cowboys on SNF

    It’s a sad day it’s a bad day. I’m barely 24 hours removed from the glorious RRR victory and I’m already sad again. The NFL purposely put us on Sunday Night Football against the 49ers who clearly have our number after the last 2 playoff losses. At least those games were competitive, tonight the 49ers mutilated our bodies and threw us in a dirty San Francisco dumpster. I have lots of emotionally charged opinions about fat coaches I’d like to unleash upon the world tonight.

    It was obvious from the first posessions by both teams that we had a major coaching mismatch tonight. San Fran went right down the field and scored 7, only for our electric offense to quickly go 3 and out. The play design, the play calling, and the talent were all noticeably better for the Niners. All night long Brock Purdy sat in a clean pocket and threw downfield to wide open WRs. Dallas barely worked anything beyond the line of scrimmage except for a few desperation heaves.

    It sucks to think about but I’m guessing Dallas has hit it’s ceiling with Mike McCarthy as head coach. He’s an awful playcaller and our offense has been pretty rough all season, it’s just been hidden by the blowouts. Everything we run is so shallow and conservative, he really just calls the game like a big fat pussy. Anything can happen in the playoffs, but we won’t get past SF if we run into them again. I wasn’t necessarily against getting rid of Kellen Moore this offseason, but it’s pretty fucking dumb to just replace him with someone worse. I don’t even know what Brian Schottenheimer contributes to the offense but this “Texas Coast” bullshit they’ve been feeding us is trash. We barely even use our WRs- I don’t know why we traded for Brandin Cooks just to never throw it to him. Ceedee Lamb should get 10+ targets a game but our TEs and RBs must give McCarthy the best head of all time. We love preaching “balance” which really just means running the ball on 1st and 2nd down for no gain. We set ourselves up with so many 3rd and longs there’s just no way we’ll be able to sustain drives or score touchdowns consistently this year. So fucking frustrating to watch.

    The defense isn’t off the hook either right now- they were God awful tonight. The 49ers treated us like a Vegas hooker, just did whatever they wanted. Micah Parsons was MIA- I have no idea why we lined him up against Trent Williams all night when that’s not even his normal side. I don’t care about some pissing contest for Best vs. Best- line his ass up against a scrub so we can make Brock Purdy sweat just ONCE. He might as well have been playing catch with his kids tonight, I don’t think his jersey touched grass one fucking time. There hasn’t been a reliable Cowboys D in my lifetime and I’m still not convinced this time around will be any different. It also doesn’t help that our players keep dropping like flies. Leighton Vander Esch, Daron Bland, and Dono Wilson all left the game tonight with injuries to just add to the Trevon Diggs pain. It will never end 😦

    If this season ends in disaster and sadness yet again I won’t stand for anything less than Mike McCarthy being fired. It’s not even fun to dunk on him anymore, everything he does is so cowardly and pathetic. Watching the juxtaposition between him and Shanahan tonight just makes me even more sad. It’s pretty wild watching one coach who is completely neutered and fat and the other with an actuall nutsack (and not fat). Maybe one day Jerry will decide to hire a coach who isn’t living in 2008. We’re watching him do the same shit that got his ass fired in Green Bay. If he couldn’t get it done with a prime Aaron Rodgers then Dak pretty much has no shot.

    That’s about all the hate I have for tonight. Our schedule isn’t getting any easier, I guess we’ll see what happens next. I’ll be riding with my dawgs no matter what (except you McCarthy).

  • Sooners Stomp Little Brother Texas

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR

    What a fucking day today was. There are few games in sports like the Red River Rivalry, and what we just witnessed a few hours ago is exactly why. Every fucking play and every fucking down is charged up with emotion until the final bell rings and someone is left in piss at the end. Everyone has been doubting the Sooners after the 49-0 debacle we saw last year. I guess I’m just a moron for thinking that a competent QB might be a difference maker or something. Sure didn’t see that today!

    We hit those cowards in the mouth from the very first posession when “best QB ever” Quinn Ewers threw a pick right to Gentry Williams. It was back and forth for a while but ultimately I thought the Sooners controlled everything. We fucked up the punt in the back of our endzone, we gave up multiple 4th downs, we missed the critical field goal along with some other shit. Obviously we shouldn’t make those kinds of mistakes but I liked that we were in the driver’s seat. Several times we had the chance to go up by more than two scores and just couldn’t quite get there… I just wanted to make those motherfuckers quit.

    Once again Texas comes in all high and mighty just to get their shit rocked. I’ll never forget that last drive by Dillon Gabriel as long as I live. I’ve given him plenty of shit over the last year but he’s earned my respect forever- what major kahonas that guy has. He made huge plays all fucking day by avoiding sacks, getting 1sts with his legs, and not turning the ball over. That late touchdown pass to Nic Anderson is cemented in OU and RRR history forever. Congrats to the mf boys.

    God is smiling down on his favorite team as the River runs red just like it was always meant to. Boomer Sooner forever.

  • It’s OU/TX Saturday

    The best rivalry in college football is finally here. It’s been a long ass year having to endure Texas fans act all high and mighty from their “blowout” win in 2022. I can’t imagine how they crushed a team with a TE playing QB, but that’s just how elite that program is and has always been. That’s why they finished the season out strong and competed for a playoff spot, just like they do every single year. They never let anyone down.

    Obviously we were pretty ass last year after losing Lincoln and half our team, no getting around that. We’ve looked solid in our 5 games this year but beating up on scrubs isn’t what gets our cocks hard in the morning. Throwing the horns down right in those sorry motherfucker’s faces… yeah that’ll get the wood chippin’. The undeserved Texas cockiness is at an all-time high because they went into Tuscaloosa and beat the worst Bama team since Saban got there. Outside of that game, they haven’t looked impressive at all.

    Anybody can win this game, it’s 50/50 every year because this is the shit that actually matters. Ain’t no better feeling then seeing those sorry fair-weather ass Texas fans leave the stadium in shambles like they always do. When we beat this team they quit on the season, they’ve folded against adversity every year for over a decade. I don’t think anyones surprised anymore when the most entitled, cocky, overrated, and embarassing team in the country quits like clockwork. This year will be no different. That’s why the Big 12 never ran through Austin. They somehow managed to win as many conference titles as Baylor, TCU, and Kansas State despite recruting 10x the talent over that time span.

    Fuck Quinn Ewers, fuck Xavier Worthy, and FUCK TEXAS.

    Boomer Sooner by a BILLION

  • Cowboys Embarrass Patriots

    As a proud American citizen I like to consider myself an American Patriot, but I certainly didn’t feel like one today as I was too busy watching the Cowboys stick their foots up their ass. True Americans root for the one and only America’s Team and that was proven on a new level today. Poor Billy Belichick sufferred the wort loss of his entire career today and I couldn’t be more proud. That angry toad Tom Brady meat-riding motherfucker just got served 4 quarters of Fuck You Football.

    The defense proudly returned to form today. New Englad was held to just 3 weak-ass points during this ass beating. Daron Bland was working on his Tre Diggs impersonation all afternoon and I must say he was doing a mighty fine job. Two interceptions on the day and one returned for a pick-6. MaCorkle Jones couldn’t help but throw across his body and DB the DB had to put him in his place. Fun fact: every time Dallas has played Mac Jones we’ve gotten a pick-6 against him (shoutout Diggs again). The Tackling Dutchman Vander Esch got a lil scoop n score action after a strip sack by Dante Fowler. Not sure why we just went limp dick against Arizona last week but I guess I’ll chalk it up to being shell-shocked by the Diggs injury. I was a little concerned today watching Micah Parsons limp around the field for a while. He clearly was not himself in the 2nd half even though 50% of Micah Parsons is still better than most of the league. I couldn’t tell exactly if he tweaked his ankle or his knee but I’m hoping we shoot him up with some super juice this week and get him ready for the SF 49ers next week on SNF.

    Dak looked pretty sharp in this game, although the offense is still leaving a lot to be desired, specifically in the red zone. I don’t know how he’s doing it but Mike McDumbass just continues to fuck it up once we cross the 20s. It’s hard to place blame on any one single person as it seems to be a combination of issues that screw us over. Sometimes Dak doesn’t run when he should, we never seem to target WRs down there, sometimes we run the ball WAY too much, and sometimes we just have bad play design that gets us sacked. This game was almost exactly like the first 2 weeks so it didn’t bite us in the ass but eventually against good teams it will. Mike knows this is a problem and still is doing nothing to fix it. Can’t say I’m surprised considering the whole fat situation, he’s probably had that thought for 30 years. I just wish we would utilize Bradin Cooks and Ceedee Lamb more in the crucial moments. Why the fuck do we only target our slow ass tight-ends in the RZ? It’s not a coincidence that CD found the endzone on his one big target today- you’re best players are going to make the best plays. Sometimes we just overthink things way too much with this game.

    Regardless, I’m happy with the solid W today. It’s not often you hand one of the GOAT coaches their biggest L ever (only happened today actually). I sure did enjoy seeing his old crusty sad face walk across the field in misery after the game. I don’t think he’ll be getting any sucky sucky from his fiance this Sunday evening (probably still will). Congratulations to you Bill, I guess you’re still winning in some aspects of life.

  • NFL Week 4 Locks

    I disappointed myself in week 3. Looks like I’m starting my season 2-3 after disaster struck me right in the face. Minnesota absolutely blew it on a last-second play, Arthur Smith still belongs in prison, and the Howellitzer ran out of bullets almost immediately. The good news is I was ALL over the Dolphins beating the piss out of Denver with perfect analysis (70-20 remember that?) and struck gold with the longshot Houston ML play. I corretly had the Jags at the top of my fraud watch and will soon begin my Trevor Lawrence bust campaign if this continues. Unfortunately I also traded for Calvin Ridley this week right before the London game so that’s just fantastic. Looking like another loss in the fantasy world, but I can guarantee it’ll be nothing but Ws on my FanDuel account. Week 4 beware.

    Miami Dolphins +3 @ Buffalo

    • Why not ride the Dolphins until they betray me? They’re clearly winning the September Super Bowl and I won’t hop off this bandwagon until Mike McDaniels literally burns the wheels off. Vegas is essentially saying this is a pick em following the + point home rule. Normally I’d fade the Dolphins candy-ass uniforms up in the North but it’s still warm outside in New York so the speed will be blazing per usual. TuAnon is peaking right now, expect us.

    Houston Texas +3 vs. Pittsburgh

    • I do not understand this line at all. The Texans are GETTING 3 points at home to the scoreless Steelers right after a huge win against the Jags?? The StroudBoys are hootin’ and hollerin’ after seeing this line. I guess I’ll keep buying stock in this team while it’s low.

    LA Chargers -4.5 vs. Las Vegas

    • As a not so proud Josh Jacobs fantasy owner, I can confirm that the Raiders: not good. In fact, they are QUITE bad. Now, my only fear here is the new QB game. NFL Hotboy Jimmy G is still in concussion protocol and it’s unclear whether he’ll play at this point. I would just like to say I reserve the right to mulligan this game if Aidan O’Connell plays. He’s a rookie and will likely be bad eventually but he’s exactly the type of guy that can come in and light it up for 1 week because he doesn’t know any better. Still, fuck you Vegas for turning Josh Jacobs into a nothing.

    CJ Stroud O1.5 Passing TDs (+134)

    • Shoutout to all my StroudBoys out there, this one is for you. Other than TJ Watt and Minkah Fitzpatrick, I think the Steelers D is totally overrated. CJ actually has nice weapons in Tank Dell and Nico Collins so I’m hoping for another exciting passing attack here.

    Jacksonville Jaguars -3 vs. Atlanta (London Game)

    • I’m such a flip-flopping motherfucker. I faded the Jags hard last week and was rewarded handsomly, but now I’m back in the sack with them. As you may know I think Arthur Smith has a special place in Hell for his crimes in the NFL and I will never budge on that. Even in London he is a disgraceful monster and I will never bet on him to do anything cool except have a mustache. I’m back on Trevor Lawrence to win the chin-bowl.

    The haters are sick and furious right now. Praying for an undefeated week to make up for my embarassing picks last week. Shoutout to myself for that Houston ML call.