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LA Rams Season Preview
I used to have a soft spot for the St. Louis Rams. Then they took a cool franchise and moved them out to dirty ass Los Angeles for a quick buck. Gross. The fans of St. Louis deserve so much better than that. I’ll never forget when the Rams made the super bowl in 2018 and there was a bar PACKED with about 5 fans in LA and all they gave was a “woohoo” after the team’s biggest win in 20 years. Are you fucking kidding me?? We would’ve had St. Louis residents scaling the Arch for weeks in celebration. Like I said with the Chargers, I’ll never understand why teams continue to move to the most over-saturated sports market in the entire world but somehow they still do. Football is simply a second-class sport in Los Angeles. Maybe one day the owners will realize the NFL just needs to get the fuck out of that city and embrace the regions of this country that actually love football.
The Rams offense can be broken down by even the lowest of IQs- It’s Cooper Kupp and Matthew Stafford. The bad news: Stafford coming back from injury and Kupp dealing with hamstring issues. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that they’re gonna struggle, especially early. It came out last week that Kupp had a “setback” on his hamgstring which doesn’t bode well for him in my eyes. I love being a Twitter doctor, and from my research I have concluded that these soft tissue injuries can be a real nagging bitch. I’m so concerned that I wouldn’t have even touched him in our annual Armchair Experts Fantasy Football draft. His quarterback, Frat Stafford, missed most of last season with an elbow injury. Now, I’m about to say it, I don’t care that he broke his elbow. The guy better return to form if the Rams have any hope of returning to super bowl form this year. I’m almost 100% confident that ain’t gonna happen due to the lack of ANYTHING else on offense. Cam Akers has never been good in the NFL and I’m definitely not gonna be a believer post-achilles tear. The offensive line is also pathetic, so there really is just nothing to love about this offense. I think I’ve started liking them even less the more I’m writing. Let me stop before my stomach starts churning and I have a protein spill.
The Rams defense should be equally as bad in 2023. The only player I can even think of is Aaron Donald. While he is arguably the best defender ever, even he can’t turn these cats into a formidable unit on his own. They traded Ramsey for a 3rd round pick because their draft assets are so depleted. It was worth it because they won the Super Bowl but man it’s gonna be rough for a couple years. The Rams defense could definitely be a hot dog down a hallway this year.
It goes without saying that I’m not a believer in the LA Rams this year. I’m subtracting 2 wins from them until further notice simply due to the fact that they’re in LA. They play in that plastic ass stadium in front of 15 fans every Sunday and there’s just no way I can support that. Move back to St. Louis or ROT Rams. I will never be a fan.
2023 Record: 4-13
3rd Place in NFC West
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Arizona Cardinals Season Preview
I have officially moved on to the NFC West, and boy oh boy I’m not fucking looking forward to this. The NFC West is an absolute shithole in 2023, and there is no bigger pile of shit than the Arizona Cardinals. I’m a big Kyler Murray fan, and unfortunately the tides and narratives have turned against him since last year. It’s easy to blame the midget QB who says a few of the wrong things but I think it’s pretty obvious he’s a special talent. If he hadn’t been stuck with historic moron Kliff Kingsbury from the get-go he might’ve actually found some sustained success. I don’t know why we keep letting Kliff fail upwards because he’s handsome but unfortunately we are allergic to reason as a society. Now the Cardinals appear to be in full tank mode for Caleb Williams this year.
I guess we’ll start with the “offense.” It’s gonna be awful. They have no weapons, no QB, no OLine no elite coaching staff. I certainly do not believe in Mr. Pew Pew- not now, not ever. There is simply no redeeming quality about this offense. I guess I kind of like Hollywood Brown (shoutout OU DNA) and Rondale Moore as toppings but not the whole fucking pie. James Conner is the most mid-running back of all time and he certainly won’t pop off behind that worthless group of “men” upfront. They probably for the number one team I’ll be avoiding at all costs fantasy wise. Imagine being so fucking bad that every player on your team is basically undraftable. Fuck you Arizona.
The defense is barely worth mentioning either. They have one great player in Budda Baker but clearly one safety isn’t gonna do much when the rest are ass. They wasted the 8th pick in the 2020 draft on Isaiah Simmons. It couldn’t have been more obvious that a unique player like that wasn’t gonna work out with this organization. Situation is arguably the top factor in determining a player’s success in this league and Arizona has been at the bottom of the barrel for a while now.
On top of having a shit roster and a shit coach, the Cardinals had to step out and unveil the ugliest uniforms I’ve ever seen. I’m so sick of this minimalist bullshit Nike has been rolling out in the NBA and NFL. I know the old Cardinals unis got a lot of shit but they were 10x better than what they’re wearing now. I can’t wait for them to waste a generational talent in Caleb Williams when they draft him 1st overall next year. I’m not USC fan but that thought still makes me sick. At least that means K1 will get the chance to show out somewhere cool. I can’t wait to watch him launch rockets to Justin Jefferson up in Minnesota. Arizona: where great players go to DIE.
2023 Record: 0-17
Last Place in NFC West
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Minnesota Vikings Season Preview
SKOL, SKOL, SKOL. Who doesn’t love themselves some good ole Minnesota Vikings? This team never hurt anybody (except for you New Orleans). Kirk Cousins approval rating has absolutely skyrocketed the last few years due to him being a genuinely corny dad-like figure. He’s not the Russell Wilson “try to be Future” type corny though it seems pretty natural for him to be awkward and normal. Even though it’s impossible for him to win a primetime football game, he might actually be kind of underrated when you go back and look at his stats. He’s absolutely an above-average quarterback at this point. Let’s see how Mr. Cousins and the Vikes fair in 2023 below.
Speaking of the Vikings offense, they just so happen to have the most exciting player in the league. It’s been 3 years and I am not exagerrating when I say Justin Jefferson is on pace to be the greatest WR in NFL history. He’s WAY out in front for receiving yards to start a career with no signs of slowing down. He’s cracked 1600 yards in back2back seasons and if he does it again he’ll play only player in NFL history to do it 3 fucking times. That’s absolutely nuts. As a proud Jjettas fantasy owner I can assure you that I am rooting heavily for that outcome once again. The Vikings passing offense should be no joke this season. They traded for TJ Hockenson midseason last year then drafted stud WR Jordan Addison in the first round. Those additions + cutting Dalvin Cook makes me think HC Kevin O’Connel is gearing up to never ever run the ball this season, which I respect. He’s bringing the Mike Leach offense to the NFL with the muthafuckin Air Raid baby. I’ve been saying running the ball is for WW2 Veterans for years now. That shit should be left in history. When you have receiving talent like these guys and only Alexander God damn Mattison in the backfield then it really shouldn’t even be a debate. Let Kirk slang that shit and go for 50 touchdowns this season Kevin. I believe in you.
The problem with the Vikings last year was the defense… if you can even call it that. They started the year blazing hot with a great record but EVERYONE knew they were frauds. Every W seemed like pure luck and it would’ve been clear to Stevie Wonder that their stroke of good luck wasn’t gonna last. They were toward the bottom of the league last year in total defense and to be honest I don’t see much changing in 2023. I’ve been sitting here for 5 minutes and the only Vikings defensive player I can think of is Anthony Barr and he hasn’t been on the team in like 4 years. I guess they do have Zadarius Smith (?) and Danielle Hunter who is an actual stud but he never plays. Clearly those two fucks weren’t enough to carry the whole squad this year so I’m not sure what’s supposed to change unless they hired Kirby Smart as the DC when I wasn’t looking. At least he’d have an entire locker room full of NFL players convinced they couldn’t even make a high school JV team.
Picking another WR in the first-round is such a Fuck You to the defense that it’s hilarious. Kevin OC better be hoping for another Minneapolis Miracle because that’s the only way they’re gonna be making waves in the playoffs. They’d also have to cut Kirko Chains because again, he can’t win for shit in primetime. I mean these guys lost to Daniel Jones in the playoffs for Christ’s sake. That might as well be the eternal kiss of death for your franchise. I know there’s no way I’d ever recover if the Cowboys did that. Thankfully Dak has never lost to that $250M substitute teacher. Regardless, good luck to Kirko and the boys this season. I’ll never have a reason to hate you because you’re literally incapable of doing something that could hurt me. Time to griddy.
2023 Record: 10-7
1st Place in NFC North
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Detroit Lions Season Preview
Unfortunately for the state of Michigan, the Lions have been the bottom feeders of the NFL since pretty much forever. I cannot remember a single good season from them (except last year) in over 20 years of living. They’ve managed to throw away all-time great talents like Barry Sanders and Calvin Johnson with pretty much 0 playoff success during their tenures. Then they waste about 15 years of Matthew Stafford before he goes and wins a Super Bowl right after they shipped him out of town. It really is incredible what you can accomplish when you wash the Detroit stink off of you. Instant success.
The Lions somehow managed to surpass expectations and actually be pretty solid last year… at least on offense. Dan Campbell is winning the hearts of red blooded Americans everywhere one tear at a time. Young hotshot offensive coordinator Ben Johnson was able to whip Ryan Gosling I mean Jared Goff back into a serviceable quarterback with an overdose of playaction passes. Weapons like Amon-Ra St. Brown and David Montgomery and Jamhyr Gibbs will hopefully make them even more dynamic this season. ASRB is kind of a slot merchant but he racks up a shit ton of catches just by being open so he’s awesome for fantasy football. Both Gibbs and Montgomery should be upgrades over their RBs from last year. It’s not hard to believe the Lions success once you know they have arguably the best offensive line in the NFL. Who would’ve thought that dominating in the trenches would lead to good results? I don’t think there’s ever been a team in history with a great OL that didn’t win a lot of games. I cannot believe more teams don’t invest so much more into that unit. Fucking morons, I could run an NFL franchise with my eyes closed.
The Lions defense… that unit might need some work. Part of the problem is they seem to have whiffed on Jeff Okudak when they took him with the 3rd overall pick, yikes. They already sent him packing to Atlanta and now he’s a dirty bird. The good news is they seemed to have hit on #2 overall pick Aiden Hutchinson. He posted a solid 9.5 sacks in his rookie season and hopefully he can continue on that trajectory. Even if the rest of their defense is kind of meh, having an elite pass rusher is a spectacular asset for the front seven. If they manage not to be in the bottom tier of the NFL defensively, maybe we are actually looking at a pretty good squad in 2023.
I like the Lions. History has been raining shit and misery on them since the day they were born. I feel for their fans and want them to enjoy the little bit of hope they’ve been feeling this offseason. Everything is set up so perfectly for them. They retained their staff, added some talent, and play in a weak division. To the public, this says success but to me, it screams disaster. This is the LIONS we’re talking about- they are going to fuck it up somehow. I don’t know how it will happen, but I just know that it will. Goff will turn back into a pumpkin or their entire roster will come down with smallpox or something. It’s just how it works for these guys. I hope I’m wrong but I’ll be checking in on the second best silver and blue team all season long.
2023 Record: 8-9
2nd Place in NFC North
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Chicago Bears Season Preview
Chicago is the land of never-ending pain for football fans. If you even whisper the name Cody Parkey around there it triggers severe depression and anx mixed with a dab of hatred. The problem is Bears fans are now filled with hope because of their darling new 08 Justin Flelds. Could it finally be the f time in the franchises entire history that they have an ELITE quarterback? Well, this is a hot topic on the Twitterverse since the second half of last season and I’m here to deliver my pinpoint accurate take.
Lets get this out of the way now: Justin Fields is hot ass (so far). I know he lit up defenses for a few highlightyplays last year and exploded in fanti because of it but come on guys, we can’t just start pretending this guy is elite of a sudden. You simply cannot suck for 98% of the game but throw in a memorable runs and vault up to elite status, that’s not how it works. The Bears passing offense was inept pretty much all season and that just so happer be the most important aspect of any offense. Now granted, the offensive line wasn’t great and neither were his receiving options. Because I om a perfect fair man I WILL be giving Fields more time to prove himself in this league. Most QBs don’t look great in bad situations like his but eventually the rope will run out. They added a fantastic hR in D3 Moore and drafted a LT with their first round pick in the NFL Draft. While I still wouldn’t describe that perfect situation there are definitely worse ones out there. If he goes out and throws the ball 11 times per game last year I might have to officially declare a stance on his future. I liked him in college but then again we all love Ohio State QBs until they get to the league and immediately bust their load. I don’t know what’s wrong with that school but it’s clearly still holding Fields back now. Imagine what he could’ve been on the 49ers though.
I never know for sure, but my headcannon always has the Bears defense ranked really high. Maybe it’s because that’s what the 85′ Bears were known for, or maybe it’s because they notoriously play in low score games due to pathetic offenses. Whatever the case, I don’t see the Bears just being a turnstyle defense ever. The problem is I just did some research and notice that they ranked 29th in the NFL with one of the worst defenses in the entire league. Yikes. They have to rely on a few rookies to step up and make big plays (probably not gonna happen). Eddie Jackson is the only consistent playmaker I can think of but there’s only so much 1 safety can do. Maybe my headcannon needs a reset but regardless I can assure you I’ll be all over the unders in Bears games this season.
I can’t really imagine where the Bears are actually good this season. I do like Justin Fields but he has to show dramatic improvement as a passer before I truly believe he’s a franchise QB. I’m rooting for the guy but the Ohio State curse just looms so large and I don’t know if we’ll ever encounter anyone good enough to break it. If the defense continues to be ass then that’s just too much pressure on an offense that only marginally improved in my eyes. Let’s wait until they beef up their OLine and add a WR2 whose priority isn’t strutting down a cat walk in Paris before I hold my final judgement. Again, the unders are looking so tantalizing here. I can’t wait to lose money on this team alllll season long. Da Bears.
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Green Bay Packers Season Preview
Break out the estrogen shots, it’s transitioning time for the Green Bay Packers. That sick fuck Aaron Rodgers has finally departed and the world is a better place for it. Unfortunately he’s still playing football but at least he’s away from the NFC and can’t hurt me anymore (unless it’s the super bowl). Now they’ll be trotting out fresh prince Jordan Love after hilariously wasting a ist round draft pick on him several years ago. I guess this was always their master plan once they realized Rodgers was a notorious drug addict who laced everyone’s gatorade with acid before every game (that’s a fact). The problem is, the world has barely seen Love play and in the few snaps he’s got, he hasn’t exactly been a world beater. I don’t think anyone viewed him as some special elite talent coming out of the draft either. Great job by Green Bay to replace one of the goats (excluding drug use) with another one of the mids. Will he Love-Laugh-Live up to the hype (probably not)?
I’d be more of a beleiver in Jordan Love if the Packers had elite weapons for him to throw to. The only ones I even know the names of are Romeo Doubs and Christian Watson, and in my opinion they are two of the most overrated fantasy players ever. The only reason these guys were considered viable guys is because people thought Aaron Rodgers would make them better. Now we’re asking them to do the same for an unproven Jordan Love? I don’t buy it. He’s also standing behind an aging offensive line and Aaron Jones. Watching a horrid Packers offense in those God awful uniforms and colors is making me nauseuos at just the thought. Davante Adams was the only exciting thing they had and they threw him away too.
The Packers have a pretty mid defense. Jaire Alexander might be the cockiest motherfucker in the league but he backs it up as long as CeedeeGOAT isn’t on the other side. They lost a few key players like Adrian Amos and Jarran Reed this offseason, so I can only hope they manage to get even worse. I could see this unit having a hard time if they get down early in games. The Packers offense won’t be high-powered enough to shoot them back into games and I can only imagine the defense will collapse after a certain point. More collapsing = more upset Packers fans = more happy me. It will be nice to watch this franchise suffer at the bottom for a few years.
One can only hope this is the start of a new era filled with shit and misery for the Packers. I will never ever forgive them and Aaron Rodgers for what they did to me in 2014 and 2016. Dez Bryant caught that fucking ball and I had to watch my now-coach Mike McFatFuck throw that hellish red challenge flag on the field. Dean Blandino and Mike Pererria will forever be cowards and frauds in my eyes. Death to the Packers!
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Atlanta Falcons Season Preview
Here we go with another franchise I despise: the Atlanta Falcons. I’ve filed many grievances with this franchise over the years for various crimes against my well-being. First, they wanted to blow a 28-3 lead in the super bowl to that kid-kissing freak Tom Brady with the biggest choke in modern sports history. Nowadays they’re trying to ruin the career of one of the most promising receiving prospects ever in Kyle Pitts. No Chin Arthur Smith is doing his best to keep 1940s football alive by running the ball on every single play. I laughed my ass off when they took a running back with the 7th overall pick. Why would they be interested in elite defensive talent like Jalen Carter when Bijan Robinson can help them run smashmouth football to go 4-13 every single year? Clearly their front office is lightyears ahead of everyone else. Damn the mountain of evidence against taking first-round running backs! Smashmouth football is here to stay!
As a semi-Florida Gators fan and Kyle Pitts fantasy owner/enthusiast, what Arthur Smith did to that man last season should be punishable by death. How can you best utilize the best tight-end prospect ever with unlimited receiving upside? You turn him into an extra left tackle and pidgeon-hole him into a role that doesn’t match his skillset whatsover. That’s the Arthur Smith guide to getting the most out of your guys and their chins. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered anyway, because the 3 times a game they actually sent Kyle Pitts on a route Marcus Mariota would sail the football right over his head. I’ll never forget the night he tried to throw a forward pass while his face and body were level with the ground. Please, the entire NFL was begging you to find a replacement Arthur but you were too busy having absolutely no chin to even try. I highly doubt Desmond Ridder is going to be a huge upgrade but literally anything would be nice. They even have Drake London who proved to have elite talent in his rookie season. I guess Atlanta has some fucked up addiction where they love taking excellent pass catchers and then flushing their entire careers down the toilet just to piss off the entire fantasy community. We’ve heard your message loud and clear ATL, and we will fuck your franchise into a coma on Twitter if you don’t stop this madness immediately.
I’d like to speak on the Falcons defense but if I’m being totally honest I really know nothing about them. I guess I’ve been too focused on being pissed off about their offensive failures to even remember that they still have 11 other guys on the other side of the ball. I know they have former Clemson DB AJ Terrell because they stupidly picked him 1 pick before CeeDee Lamb in the 2020 NFL Draft. I guess that’s the one time the Falcon’s incompetence greatly benefited my well-being. Having your favorite player fall right into your lap is a damn good feeling. Anyways, from doing a little research in seems like the Falcons defense is expected to be okay this year? Again, does anyone really know or care? I know Grady Jarrett is a solid interior defender from playing Madden but these other guys I’m reading about like Lorenzo Carter and Eddie Goldman I got no clue. Those guys have the most Chicago Bears names I’ve ever heard in my life, not sure what they’re doing in Atlanta. I think that’s more than enough time spent wasted on thinking about the Falcon’s defense for one day.
Not only do I have to watch the Falcons ruin young players lives, I have to watch them do it in some of the ugliest uniforms I’ve ever seen. If only the Falcons had elite throwbacks that could put them at the top of the style rankings every single week… No. Instead I have to look at some ridiculous red-to-black faded shit with ugly ass matte Helmets. I’m here to officially declare that as long as ATL is wearing those rat-piss uniforms, they will never win a playoff game ever. I’m so sick of this minimalistic bullshit these rebrands keep trotting out. All the historical NFL logos/uniforms were 10x better than the garbage we’re getting now and no one will put a stop to it. If I have to be the one to lead that stampede, so be it. Wear your throwbacks every week or rest in piss Atlanta Falcons. If you’re going to suck, at least do it in style.
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Carolina Panthers Season Preview
It’s time to review what we expect from Bryce Young and the Carolina Panthers. Spoiler alert: I have no fucking clue. The good news is, the division is complete dogshit and I think Frank Reich still has a chance to prove he’s a solid coach. The bad news is the Panthers are apart of that dogshit and Frank Reich still has a chance to prove he’s NOT a good coach. He still gets a lot of credit for the 2017 Philly super bowl (gross) and his defenders die on the hiIl that he got a raw deal in Indy. He ran through quarterbacks faster than Jessica Simpson and clearly never found the one for him. I’d imagine it is pretty hard to win with Carson Went and the corpses of Matt Ryan and Phil Rivers. However if I was going to be an asshole (which I’m not) I’d point out that he handpicked all those losers and failed anyway. I guess all that proves is that the front office should leave him out of any draft conversations.
The Panthers are unloading quite a few changes on offense. They shipped out Baker Mayfield and DJ Moore, while adding Bryce Young, Adam Thielen, and Miles Sanders. I think overall I’d say that’s a net draw. Baker is ass now but DJ Moore is really good. Miles Sanders and Thielen are very mid additions and they’re hoping one day Bryce Young could be a real difference maker. I guess they’re all hoping losing Matt Rhule will sway in their favor, as well.
In my mind Bryce Young is the most boring yet effective QB ever. He’s so functional it makes me sick. The big question is his size, but I’m not as worried about that as everyone else. People act like Kyler Murray sucks now because he’s had bad teams and Kliff Kingsbury as his coach this whole time. If you a solid squad around Bryce Young I have no doubt he’s gonna be good. His fundamentals at Alabama were always fine-tuned.Anytime Alabama needed a real pl he pulled it night out of his ass. 4th and 3 no ones open? Break a tackle and scramble for the first. Or he’d make the perfect read and find the boring guy underneath. He’s such a square. I know he probably did throw interceptions but it never felt like he did when watching. Every throw and decision was safe, but I can’t fucking knock it because it worked. Sometimes I just like my QBs to throw rockets into tight windows like a mf MAN sometimes and that isn’t Bryce, even though I’m sure he’s capable. It’s also just hard to judge Bama QBs after Tua because they’re playing behind the best OLine with the be weapons every fucking game in college. Mac Jones was spectacular with all those guys and look at him now. I definitely think BY is better than Macorckle but those intrusive thoughts are invading the back of my head.
The Panthers employ a couple of STUDS on defense. Derrick Brown is plugging that middle and Jaycee Horn is an excellent young corner on the outside. Brian Burns is another great pass rusher that rounds out their talented young core. I don’t know how you suck with 3 extremely talented young defenders at key positions so hopefully Carolina doesn’t drop the ball. I actually kind of like this franchise and will be rooting for them to win the division. Carolina Blue remains undefeated and as long as those colorways keep coming I’ll be a casual fan. It’s a shame they don’t have anyone I’d be willing to draft in fantasy this year.
I think Carolina has the best roster in the NFC South. All the other teams fucking SUCK (especially at quarterback). If Mr. Young is able to figure this NFL shit out from an early age then they might actually have a decent team. I don’t see that happening due to the lack of offensive weapons but maybe their talented defense will be able to keep them afloat. At least now you are expertly educated on the Panther’s most likely outcomes.
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers Season Preview
The days of Tompa Bay are officially over. The Hall of Fame ken doll finally walked away from the game (for the second time) back on February 1st (again). He was pretty ass last year but I’m still expecting the drop off to Baker Mayfield and/or Kyle Trask to be pretty spectacular. Baker has been one of the worst QBs in the whole league for a couple years and I haven’t seen Trask play since Florida. Sure seems like they’re primed for a great year!
The Bucs offense makes me want to carve out my eyeballs and throw them in a blender. Even with the “goat” taking snaps and two solid WRs they just couldn’t move the fucking ball. If Russell Wilson wasn’t in the league then it would’ve been the most pathetic offense I’ve ever seen. Everything was a fucking check down and we knew they were terrible going into the playoffs. Thank God the Cowboys were able to expose them with an absolute ass beating in one the best games of the year (before it all fell apart, sad). Mike Evans still managed to pull 1000 yards out of his ass but it was far from a dominant year. Godwin was coming back from an ACL so it makes sense he wouldn’t be as good as his history shows. Playoff Lenny didn’t do much and I’m pretty sure he’s still a free agent at the moment so I guess that says a lot about where he’s at in his career. Is Rachaad White supposed to be good? I cannot fucking decide if I want to draft him in fantasy. I didn’t even know he was a 3rd round pick but it’s impossible to see any light in that dreadful fucking offense. I highly doubt Baker or Trask is gonna turn this guy into a top tier back, but I guess we’ll see. Todd Bowls the most boring man in football sure doesn’t have my vote of confidence.
The Bucs defense has enough talent to be solid, but it’s hard for them to hold up when the offense moves with the pace of a 90 year old war veteran. Vita Vea is still a big ole fuck who clogs up all the holes on the d-line. Lavonte David and Antoine Winfield are legit playmakers. Devin White continues to be the most overrated linebacker in football. His constant athleticism wow people and puts the blinders on when he misses run assignments and blows simple coverages. Pro football focus absolutely fucking hates Devin White and considering how much people glaze their stupid ass grades I’m surprised everyone still likes him. Regardless, the D could use a massive boost from the O and I highly doubt that’s coming this season. I’d definitely give up if I were them. Hard to go out and give effort for a limp dick offense. I guess the only solution is to load em up on some Viagra.
The combination of dead offense + fine defense + bad head coach is not a recipe for a succesful season. The only weird part is they might actually have a shot at the division title because of how fucking BAD it is. Are the Saints supposed to be good? The Panthers? The Falcons? All of them either have shit or rookie quarterbacks. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they NFC South puts a team with a losing record in the playoffs. I’m getting closer and closer to placing a bet on Bryce Young to get the job done. I sure as hell don’t believe in Desmond fucking Ridder. This is the closest thing we have to MACtion in the NFL. Thank the Lord Dallas only plays the Panthers this year so I won’t be forced to watch these dirtbags. Good luck to Steven Cheah’s mental health this year. Can’t wait for that piece of shit Tom Brady to come back and save the day.
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New Orleans Saints Season Preview
The Cajun Cowboys, the boys in the Bayou. The superdome chromosomes. All of these things can describe the 2023 New Orleans Saints. Who Dat nation has been looking for brighter days ever since their lord and savior Drew Brees finally stepped away from the game for good. His shoulder may have been hanging by the seam but he was still better than what they’ve been throwing out there as of late. It also doesn’t help that they replaced Sean Payton with one of the worst coaches in NFL history statistically (that means it backed by science). Dennis Allen is a moron and a coward and I don’t think we should expect the ‘Aints until they find a suitable replacement. I will be boycotting Saints games until he puts the greatest quarterback of all time (Jameis Winston) in his rightful place in the starting lineup.
The big new change to the offense this year would be the addition of former Raider’s QB Derek Carr. Some people like this guy and many other people don’t. I always thought he was pretty mid and I feel pretty validated for that opinion as of late. I’m not exactly expecting him to become a superstar in a new city and later into his career. He does have 1.5 good weapons to throw to though. Chris Olave is coming off a stellar rookie season and I think we can expect a big year 2 from him. Watch out for him in fantasy. He’s paired with Michael Thomas who makes up the other .5 of this receiving core. Michael Thomas has barely played football since his record-breaking season in 2019. I’m pretty convinced the man just sincerely hates the game. His career has been completely derailed by his pinky toe and he doesn’t seem to care. We just got past the point of the offseason where we got flooded with a couple Michael Thomas workout hype videos. Forgive me if a video of him dead-lifting 45 lbs doesn’t get me out my seat.
We also can’t forgot that star running-back Alvin Kamara has been suspended for 3 games following a domestic assault charge. I’m pretty sure the once-awesome AK is past his prime and moving into a different point of his career, which is sad to see. He might able to keep himself fresh if he keeps getting spended for beating the shit out of people in Vegas. Bad guy or 2000 IQ play to keep elongating his career?. I guess we’ll know when we see how rejuvinated is when he comes back (provided he can keep his hands off the ‘ops’).
The Saints defense has left a lot to be desired since Dennis Allen took over. That’s ironic, considering he’s supposed to be some sort of “defensive mastermind.” I guess they’re not exactly loaded but they don’t suck. Cam Jordan has been really good for a long time and just signed an extension. Marshon Lattimore rides the line between elite and ass every single week. That’s kind of how it goes with corners sometimes but man Marshon literally refuses to get off the rollercoaster. He’s very good at playing up and playing DOWN to whoever he lines up against. Whatever, I’m guessing their defense will be just fine his year. Probably somwhere within the 20-32 range.
If God is on my side, I won’t have to watch many Saints games this year. I don’t think the Cowboys play them and unless Chris Olave is on my fantasy team (he won’t be) then I’ll have every reason to pretend they don’t exist, which is how I prefer it. One of my “friends” is a Saint’s “fan” who watches 2 games a year. Safe to say I’ll be rooting heavily against them in those two games.
2023 Record: 5-12
3rd Place in NFC South
The Armchair Experts 