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Jalen Ramsey Traded to Miami for a Bag of Doritos
Well, I guess the LA Rams woke up this morning and said “I want to know what poverty feels like.” They pulled the trigger on a trade that sent a 28 yr/old All-Pro corner in exchange for a 3rd round pick and a TE I’ve never heard of. What a haul!
As a Cowboys fan, fuck this. You’re telling me we could’ve actually acquired Jalen Ramsey for this price? I never had high hopes of getting him because I assumed it would be a first-round pick at MINIMUM. I’m not sure how the salary cap factors in here, but I don’t really care. Apparently, Miami agreed to guarantee most of Ramsey’s contract, which I’m sure has some complicated-ass effect on both teams’ caps. There’s really no point in trying to explain or learn the NFL salary cap, it doesn’t make any sense, and it really seems like contracts can just be “restructured” so you’re always clearing cap for the current year. It sounds like just getting a new credit card to pay off your current credit card, but if you get unlimited credit cards, why the fuck wouldn’t you just keep doing it?
It’s easy to sit here and blame Jerry Jones, but if I really indulge in my true feelings, this blog is going to feel like a hate crime against the elderly. I don’t want cancel culture on my ass like that. Please don’t destroy my blog which over 200 people have read. Also, I can’t just sit here and be mad at Dallas. I’m pretty sure every team in the NFL could’ve afforded a 3rd round pick for Ramsey. I don’t care what their “timeline” is, there’s no way you’re drafting a better guy for the next 3-4 years in the 3rd round than Jalen fucking Ramsey. I would have been in the LA front office on my hands and knees begging for them to accept this trade. That’s why I can’t rule out any sneaky shit here. I definitely think a few under-the-table blowjobs had to have been apart of the negotiations, it’s the only way.
I guess Miami is adopting that “all-in” strategy that Jerry Jones is so afraid of, except not really. If saying goodbye to a 3rd rounder is mortgaging your future these days, then I hope I don’t make it to the future. I’ll gladly throw myself off the top of the world’s largest jumbotron at AT&T Stadium before I waste 50 years of my life. If I have to be a martyr for the Cowboys to win a super bowl, I will gladly make that sacrifice. That’s the kind of man I am. I’d trade my life before Jerry Jones will trade a 3rd-round pick. Really makes you think.
If I was one of the 5 Ram’s fans that existed, I’d be pretty pissed right now. i get why they are moving off of Ramsey, but you’d think they’d like to get back one of the 82 first round picks they gave up assembling they’re super bowl team. Call me crazy but I don’t think a 3rd rounder is going to serve as a building block for their future. Whatever, what do I know?
Another day of the NFL not making any sense, gotta love it. I am now hoping Dallas can trade for superstar players in their prime for a couple of 4ths and MAYBE a 5th. I don’t control the market.
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Chicago Bears FLEECE the Carolina Panthers
Big news taking over the NFL world today. The Chicago Bears did the unthinkable and actually traded away the #1 pick to the Carolina Panthers. Let’s break it down.
So basically we have two first-round picks (no. 9 this year and one next year) and two second-round picks, PLUS elite WR D.J. Moore. Mannnnn that is a fucking haul! I can’t believe Chicago actually did something smart. If they can land their draft picks, they might have a nice little squad for Justin Fields to let down. I only wish they hadn’t pissed away the first pick of the second round for Chase Claypool. If they still had that they’d be looking LOADED. D.J. Moore is an absolute fucking beast, excellent job by the front office. The trio of Moore, Claypool (fuck Claypool), and Mooney is pretty damn solid. I’ll be very interested to see how the Bear’s offense splits all 10 of Justin Fields’ passes between them. I can’t imagine a better 3 guys I’d want blocking for my QB as he takes off down the field for a selfish 60-yard TD run.
As for what the Bears should do with all the extra picks? I have no fucking clue, I’m not a Bears fan. I haven’t paid near enough attention to their roster to give any type of advice on who to draft. Their good at WR so if their o-line sucks I’d suggest investing heavily into that. Even a RB like Fields can lead a solid passing game with a great o-line and great weapons. Boosting up the o-line and d-line would be my suggestion for pretty much every team. I think it’s pretty obvious at this point that building football teams inside-out is the way to go. If everyone just listened to me, the sport would improve tenfold. I’d happily accept a consulting job for $50,000 an hour.
Now it’s time to talk about the Panthers. My only question: what the fuck? Really seems like these guys just have no idea what’s going on. I guess if you get a franchise QB out of this, giving up all those assets is still worth it. But then I get this notification that the Panthers will consider trading back and evaluate all the guys? Holy shit man. That reminds me of when I’m playing Madden Franchise mode and think “It’d be fun to have the first pick this year.” How in the world can you make this trade not knowing who you’re going to take? I can’t even express how funny it’d be if they traded back for fewer assets than they gave up. Just cock teasing their entire fanbase, putting all their emotions in a blender, and smashing the highest power setting. An NFL GM being a troll is something I didn’t have on my 2023 bracket. Another hilarious outcome is them taking a non-QB with the first pick, or Anthony Richardson. The blowback (shoutout Kim Kardashian) would reach an all-time high.
Chaos is the NFLs (and my) best friend. It’s more addicting than crack (I’d imagine). I’m already bored of this trade and want more. If the NFL ever reached NBA trade deadline-levels of chaos, I’d never go to sleep. I’ll always be chasing the high I felt when I read that Schefter tweet. #notadrugguy
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Stefon Diggs to the Cowboys?
After our brutal defeat at the hands of the 49ers this postseason, I took a few moments to pray, and reflect on my life as a Cowboys fan. Well, “ask and you shall receive,” said God- our prayers have been answered.
The rumor mill is blowing at 100 mph right now and it’s showing no signs of slowing down. Subtweets, Instagram followings, and a lifelong brotherly bond are leading the “Diggs to Dallas” stampede right now. I checked with my own eyes, and it appears Stefon Diggs has unfollowed the Buffalo Bills on Instagram, BUT he follows the Dallas Cowboys. COINCIDENCE? I think NOT! As a journalist, I’m not allowed to believe in coincidence!
Next, I see a few breadcrumbs on my Twitter timeline. “Nothing personal, it’s just business.” Hmmmmmmmmm. Is Diggs telling us that Josh Allen is a bum, and he’d much rather play with Dak “GOAT” Prescott? Sure wouldn’t surprise me. Pairing an elite WR like Diggy Diggs with Ceedee Lamb would basically make us the front runners for the 2023 Super Bowl. Well at least it would if Mike McFatass wasn’t our head coach. I just remembered he fired Kellen Moore because Kellen wanted to “light up the scoreboard” and “have the number 1 offense.” God damn Kellen what a fucking idiot! Thank God we don’t want to do that anymore! Mike probably thinks it would make more sense to trade AWAY Ceedee, so we can focus on running the ball more, much less trying to get another one.
Does Jerry Jones have enough nut left in his sack to pull something like this off? I guess we’ll find out. Both he and the Cowboys need a huge shot of Viagra right now. I have no idea what l’d even be willing to give up for Diggs. I wish Jerry would just bribe the other GMs with hookers and money so we could lowball on a couple of trades. I’d easily accept a hearty 4′ rounder and a sick weekend in Vegas for Mr. Diggs if I was Brandon Bean (Bills GM, bet you guys don’t know that).
The best thing for Dallas right now would be for Diggs to start raising hell and tank his value. Maybe publicly attack some players/members of the Bills organization, or get arrested for a minor crime. Ja Morant has already given out the homework answers for a few of those. We all know once he reunites with his brother Trevon he’ll shape right up again. I can already see the headlines: “Diggs Brothers Lead Dallas to Super Bowl, Rot in Piss Eagles.” We are so back.
I’m already looking forward to next season. Come on home Diggity dig Diggs.
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Anthony Richardson is Combine GOAT
I think we have a new #1 overall pick. This weekend, Anthony Richardson showed why he deserves to have his name called off the board first in this year’s draft. He broke the combine record for vertical with 40.5″ and tied the broad jump record of 10’9″. Wow!
If there are two things I want my QB to be ELITE at, it’s the vertical jump and the broad jump. We have years of NFL Combine data that show players with these elite traits (especially QBs) are about as sure as they come at the next level. The quarterback position is EXTREMELY tough to draft, but it gets a lot easier when you’ve got data like this to back it up. Anthony Richardson is about as close as you get to a superstar lock. Trust the data.
Not only did Richardson display his otherworldly athleticism, but he showed off his pinpoint accuracy in drills. It’s not often you see QBs drop it in a bucket during the “playing catch” period of the combine/pro day, and watching Richardson sling the rock was a thing of beauty. He has a live arm, a cannon attached to his shoulder. You could make an argument that’s the greatest arm in CFB history. He had GMs foaming at the mouth with his touch and poise.
DOT. We also got to see his pocket awareness during this portion. I heard one NFL GM quote “we’ve never seen a guy evade mock pressure like this before, it’s like he has a sixth sense.” So he has the body of an ancient olympian, the accuracy of a military-grade sniper rifle, and the IQ of Stephen Hawking? If the Bears don’t draft this guy number 1 overall, the GM should be thrown off the Willis Tower (formerly known as Sears Tower).
The definition of “can’t miss” If I were the Bears, I’d trade Justin Fields straight up for Deebo Samuel, and draft Anthony Richardson. Then, I’d run the power option with Deebo/RichardGOAT over and over again until defenses figured out how to tackle one of them. Once they got tired, I’d drop back ARich and launch Hail Marys with his Hand Cannon to former Georgia TE Darnell Washington (they drafted him in the 2nd round). He’s basically a LT playing TE with hands like Jerry Rice. I don’t see anyone stopping that 3-headed monster. They’d basically be the ’85 Bears but now they’re the unstoppable force instead of the immovable object. Shoutout to me for that metaphor.
FREAK I think the moral of the story here: the NFL Combine is like ChatGPT for general managers. You can literally learn everything from it, and you can trust the results with your life.
A star is born. Congratulations Anthony Richardson, YOU just made the Hall of Fame.
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Jon Jones is BACK
The Muthafuckin GOAT is BACK!! Jonny Bones made his triumphant return to the UFC last night after a 3-year absence with a twist: he was fighting at Heavyweight. There has been lots of speculation around this fight for a while now. Would Bones be the same after putting on over 20 pounds? Has he treated his body like a temple these past 3 years (definitely not)? Would Jon hit the slopes the night before? I think he answered all these questions with his show last night.
I’m about as casual as it gets with the UFC. I watch all the big fights and love acting like I know what’s going on and beating my chest when there’s a big hit. This fight was a masterclass. Bones put this guy whose name I don’t know away quickly in the first round. He did all that technical fighter shit and made the guy tap. As someone who knows a thing or two about not lasting long, I wasn’t disappointed. I’d tell the other guy that he did a good job, and he deserves another shot. His size wasn’t the problem, he just hadn’t quite perfected the positions on the ground. It was perfectly satisfying with room for improvement.
Now we need to wait and see what Bones has in store for us next. I’m guessing he’ll stay in the heavyweight division and just run through all of them real quick (pause). I wish I knew who the good heavyweights were so I could get excited about the next match. I could just google it, but I believe in authenticity and will only deliver the unfiltered truth around here. Shout out to me and my high character. I’m pretty sure Ngannou retired (I did google how to spell his name actually), so I guess we’re never getting that fight. I really hope Cyril Gane (googled again) wasn’t the top guy in this division. If he made quick work of the best already then, we’re fucked from an entertainment standpoint. Maybe Jake Paul would be willing to hop in the Octagon.
Is Francis a big ole pussy? At this point, Jon Jones probably has to be considered the PFP Goat. I wasn’t really tuned in during his run of dominance because I was about 12 years old. However, I can assure you that I have consumed hours of Podcast data and done Twitter deep dives so my opinion should be treated as Fact. I take pride in educating my readers and building upon their network of knowledge. This is a scholars-only blog, basically a free Harvard course online.
I hope you learned something today, and I hope Jon Jones’ drug dealer is taking the night off.
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The Four Horseman the Sixers Must Defeat
A couple of weeks ago I watched the Sixers pull their cocks out and piss all over the Memphis Grizzlies on national TV. That inspired me to write this incredibly well-thought-out blog that I then forgot to post. So, can the Sixers overcome their demons and finally make it to the Finals?
Let’s find out.
First, we have James Harden. His esophagus closing comes playoff time and is well documented. A big run this season could do tremendous things for his legacy. He doesn’t have a ring, and it’s really the only thing missing for him now. He’s already got the MVP, scoring title, and many other accomplishments. He’s one of the best regular-season players ever, and it would be fun for me to see all the people who shit on him for his playstyle eat crow. I think the key to preventing this Horseman from destroying the team is that Philadelphia should have a city-wide shutdown of all strip clubs and recording studios. Lil Baby should not be allowed to enter the city either. They need ot do everything they can to ensure James is fully focused on the playoff run.
The next Horseman is Joel Embiid’s body. He’s not there yet, but he’s getting close to being on the All NBA unreliable first team. From the way his career started, it felt like he’d be in the unreliable Hall of Fame, so downgrading to first team is actually a huge win. Nevertheless, it always seems like he breaks down at the worst time. This guy is so fucking good, it doesn’t make sense why he’s never even made an ECF yet. He’s one of the most dominating players in the league, and I have to believe he’11 breakthrough at some point. Perhaps the solution here is to just wrap him in bubble wrap until the playoffs start. Just make sure he stays away from Patrick Beverly, Draymond Green, and Kelly Olynyk.
Doc Rivers is a loser and a fraud coming up as the third Horseman. I swear, this guy has been living off his 2008 Celtics reputation for his entire career. They have got to be the most annoying NBA champion of all time I guess it gets milked so much because it’s Boston but Jesus Christ, eventually it has to end. At this point, Doc Rivers has to be the most overrated coach in the league. Every single one of his teams underachieves. It feels like people have started to notice, and if he fails again this year, the Doc Clock might start ticking.
Our fourth and final horseman of the Sixes Apocalypse: The city of Philadelphia’s inability to win an actual title. At least in this case, the Sixers might actually make the Finals! However, it appears that city is cursed. The Phillies and Eagles both choked in the final round (thank God). If they complete the trifecta this year, they will officially be crowned *Almost-Title Town.” Losing the title in all 3 major sports would be quite the feat. It’s honestly more impressive than just winning 1 of those titles or something. I don’t know shit about hockey but if the Flyers are good and could make them 4/4 that’d be insane.
I think the universe is trying to tell us something with this one. Most Philly fans (including the children apparently) are absolute scum bags. Maybe if you guys just had any type of decency, the universe would reward you with a title. It’s not that fucking hard. Just don’t verbally and physically assault fans from the other team. Fix that minor issue and some good things might come your way. Karma is a bitch, and that’s a bitch you don’t want to swing on in the fourth quarter Of a close game.
Good luck Sixers. I don’t hate you guys like I hate the Eagles, and I root for both Embiid and Harden. It’d be fun to see those guys win a title, but the Four Horseman stand in the way. Can they overcome them? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean they should quit! The Process has led to this moment, don’t let Hinkie down.
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Take Mavs -3 vs. PhillyTonight
I am so fucking pissed I didn’t get this blog out before game time. Just know that I HAD Mavs -3 after about 1 minute of looking at the lines. There is 10 minutes left in the 4th quarter as I publish this and Philly is storming back. This is how you know I am a man of tremendous character.
Proof of my tremendous character Now Read:
NBA Lock of the Day: Mavs-3 vs. Philly look, so far this blog. has been all about shitting on the Mavericks (mostly Kyrie). I’d love to keep doing that, but I want to get rich as fuck even more, Tonight the Mavs are taking on the team from everyone’s favorite city: the Philadelphia 76ers. I’d like to invite all armchair experts to ride with me on Mavs-3 tonight. Let’s divulge into my magical method of madness tonight.
#1. It’s a home game. Not much more to be said here. Anytime you play the Sixers away from their violent and abusive crowd that’s a huge advantage.
#2, Joel Embiid is “day-to-day.” What a shock that is| Really didn’t see that one coming. The Sixers are absolute toast if Embiid doesn’t play. I guess it hasn’t been “officially” announced but even if he’s hampered, he’ll probably just get hungry and give up somewhere during the 3′ quarter. Fade fade fade.
#3, Regression to the mean. That’s right, I’m busting the analytics out on you bitches. I’m not talking about those nerd-ass analytics, I’m talking about the ones inside my head that make sense. From the past two weeks of Twitter scrolling and Bleacher Report notifications, it looks like the Mavs have lost like 4 or 5 in a row. My head count has them somewhere around 1-4 since the Kyrie trade. At some point, we all know that shit is going to balance out. This feels like jusssssttttt the right time for them to catch a dub, and I’m thinking it will be a STATEMENT.
Quite the statement. I’m still sticking with my pick fuck you All we need is more the Mavs to be medium-rare hot from 3 tonight. If these dumb fucks can just knock down a couple of shots, we’ll be flush with cash. You aren’t going to get detailed analysis like this anywhere else. I might have to re-market this blog into a get-rich-quick scheme. I ‘Il workshop that a little bit.
MFFL, let’s ride
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Lebron James OUT Indefinitely
Son of a BITCH!
I am so sorry Laker Nation, this L falls on my shoulders. This blog has been parading the LakeShow around like a prize show puppy since the trade deadline, and now I have reverse-jinxed us into oblivion. The Lakers were so back, and now we are very not back.
Fuck you Woj! I know you hate Lebron. You will never rizz like Shams. Does God have a personal vendetta against me? FINALLY, a team surrounds LeBron with young athletic shooters, and he instantly gets hurt. The most durable superstar ever practically ripped his Achilles in half this past Sunday. For his entire career, there was no one more reliable. Unfortunately, the MOST reliable player ever is Father Time. He just don’t miss. LeBron is now 38, which in NBA years means he should be in a retirement home. He’s practically in a wheelchair already, crippling before our very eyes. Soon he’ll have cataracts, and instead of seeing 3 rims, he’ll only see darkness. I don’t think blind LeBron will be winning a championship any time soon.
LeBron is a HERO for playing on a basically broken foot. Now the Lakers’ playoff hopes rest in the hands of Anthony Davis. That’s just TERRIFIC. What could possibly go wrong? There is a very short list of superstars I’d rely on less than AD, and that list is basically just Kyrie Irving. Can he do it? 100%. Will he do it? Nope, and that’s the most annoying part. He’s completely fucking unstoppable when he TRIES, but he doesn’t seem to like doing that very much. He either gives up or his body shatters when it matters most.
I can preemptively blame Anthony Davis all I want, but deep down I still know this is my fault. The power of the reverse jinx is completely unstable and not to be trifled with. I tempted fate by calling the title shot too early, and now an entire fanbase will suffer. If the Warriors end up winning the title because of this, I may never forgive myself. If there is a God, he will hear my prayers and do everything in his almighty power to prevent that from happening.
Get well soon LeBron, the world needs you now.
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Tommy Fury Defeats Jake Paul
Fuck I’m so late on this.
The day has finally come. Jake Paul has officially taken an L as a “professional” boxer. I’d say a good chunk of the world has been waiting on this one. This guy has proven over and over to be one of the most unlikeable people on planet Earth. I’d put him up there with Bin Laden and Hitler in terms of approval rating.
Today was both positive and negative for us haters. On one hand, Jake Paul “lost.” On the other hand, he didn’t get knocked the fuck out and embarrassed in front of the entire world. That’s what really would’ve hit the spot. In fact, he even knocked Tommy Fury down at one point, so honestly Tommy kind of looks like the bigger bitch here. Especially since he was celebrating like just beat cancer, not an ex-Disney Channel star.
There’s no denying at this point that Jake is no scrub. He finally fought a real boxer and technically he lost, but it was definitely close, and to my untrained eyes there wasn’t much difference between the two. There’s still a chance that Tommy Fury is the worst professional boxer of all time. I think his being handsome and Tyson Fury’s brother contributes a lot more to his fame than his boxing prowess. He’s got Big Brother and Love Island written all over him (turns out he actually WAS on Love Island, who knew).
Honestly, as a Jake Paul hater, I’m pretty disappointed in this result. I’d have rather he just kept winning until he finally fought someone who was WAY out of his league. That way we could’ve seen a real ass- kicking and the fight game could restore some of its dignity. I also didn’t mind the hilarious lineup of bums he’s been fighting. Each fight kept getting funnier than the last. To this day, the Nate Robinson knockout is one of the funniest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Watching his lifeless body bounce up off the ring like that had me gasping for air like a fat bitch at KFC. Years of dunk contest glory were erased with one right hook. The Tyrone Woodley knockout didn’t disappoint either.
Unlike those, the Tommy Fury fight was actually fair and it was 10x less entertaining. I’m sure they’ll rematch or something and Jake can get his little revenge. Whatever. I’m not gonna give up hope that one day a big enough bag will be offered to Deontay Wilder or Canelo or someone. We just need somebody who can really bring the pain. Jake Paul leaving the ring without so much as a bruise doesn’t really move the needle. Perhaps I’ll have to be the one that steps up. I certainly wouldn’t mind training really hard, learning how to box, and getting shredded along the way to a couple of million bucks.
Come on Jake, read this blog and get so pissed off that you MUST fight me.
You have 48 hours to respond with a contract, or the deal is off.
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Mavericks Blow a 27-Point Lead to Lakers
My genius is pretty much undeniable at this point. Right after the trade deadline I wrote about how back the Lakers were. I was ridiculued, called a clown and a fool for that take. Well, the losers and haters are sick and furious today. They were celebrating early in the second quarter when the Mavs held the 27 point lead. Luckily, I am a man of faith and loyalty. I never abandoned the purple and gold and they have proven me right. The championship run officially starts today.
I believe the LakeShow is now 4-1 since the trade deadline and 3-0 with LeBron. They just might run the table. The most impressive new addition so far has been Jared VanderGOAT. Holy shit this guy is awesome! I swear he makes every fucking play. He was attached to the ball like white on rice today. Defense, rebounding, and finishing at the rim were all A+. At what point do we start putting this guy in the MVP conversation?
Malik Beasley is another newbie that’s added some much needed 3-pt shooting. He and the Lakers actually didn’t even shoot the ball very well today but he hit big shots at critical times. I’m so used to players forgetting the fundamentals of basketball when they play with LeBron that it almost made me cry today. I thought the same thing about Rodney Hood back in 2018 though, so let’s hold out judgements until the playoffs. Regardless, I was shocked and amazed to see what happened when you remove Russell Westbrook and surround LeBron with shooters. Basketball sure is complicated!
I also forgot that D’Angelo Russell was out today. Even the crippled Lakers get the job done! Also shoutout to Anthony Davis. He was not ADisapointment today. We’re going to need that every day going forward Anthony, not once a week.
Austin Reaves is the new Metta World Peace. As for the Mavs? Gross. I also predicted that the Kyrie trade would blow up in their faces. So far he’s yet to start any socio-political warfare in the locker room, but they haven’t won many games with him. It’s very awkward watching him and Luka feel each other up trying to see who should take the important shots. Personally, I’d roll with Kyrie. He’s as clutch as he is arrogant, so that’s pretty fucking clutch. Luka is no scrub in the clutch, and it’ll probably be him since he’s overall the better player and has been in Dallas longer. They need to figure shit like that out if they want a shot at the title. So far though they seem like frauds. My big assessment is that they live and die by the 3 ball. They were falling early, which is how they jumped out to the big lead, but once it goes cold they are so fucked. They’ve gotten close in the playoffs but it’s just too much Luka sometimes, and the history shows it’s hard to win with someone that ball dominant. We shall see.
Be prepared world. The LakeShow is coming to every city in America, and you better be prepared for the TwitterArmy to come out in full force soon. Stay tuned.
The Armchair Experts 