-
Alabama Basketball Controversey
I’m pretty sure by this point everyone who follows college sports has been swept up in the shitstorm surrounding the Bama basketball program the last few days. I don’t feel like retelling the whole story, but basically two players on their team are connected to a murder.
The big talking point has been projected lottery pick Brandon Miller. I don’t follow Alabama hoops but apparently this kid is a real stud and people are wondering whether this will affect his future career. Considering the kid wasn’t even suspended I think he can sleep easy knowing he’ll be a millionaire in a few months. He probably shouldn’t sleep easy though because it sure seems like he’s done a bad bad thing. From what I understand, Miller brought a gun to now former teammate Darius Miles. I guess one of Miles’ friends ended up with the piece and used it to murder a young woman. The whole thing is pretty fucking sad.
There’s been a LOT of debate on whether Miller is actually guilty of anything or not. Bama fans have really been pushing hard that he’s the picture of innocence and shouldn’t face any consequences. They really like using a statement published by his lawyer claiming Miller was completely oblivious to the whole thing and was just doing a friendly deed in dropping off the gun or picking up Miles or whatever the fuck. In the eyes of the law though, it seems like nothing is gonna happen to Miller for now.
Look, I don’t know the kid, so I don’t wanna be some asshole on my couch and speak down on his character. HOWEVER, I seriously doubt he’s just an idiot who didn’t have a clue in the world what was going on. There’s a difference between legally culpable and morally right. Some say he was already en-route to pick up Miles when he got the text asking that the murder weapon be hand delivered. If that’s true, fine, but that’s an all-time bad coincidence and “wrong place wrong time” scenario. Regardless, his teammate Miles and his friend should go to prison for life if convicted. I’m a believer in “innoncent until proven guilty” but the writing is kind of on the wall here. I still don’t understand why the guy (Miles) needed to own a gun at all. You’re a college basketball player bro, just chill out.
Bama head coach Nate Oats has been all over the news too. He actually did give the “wrong place wrong time” excuse for his guys. He’s playing the fool and acting like he has no idea what was going on. These coaches basically run their little college towns. When your’e in college you kind of hear about the shady shit that goes on within athletic programs. It’s all like a big game of telephone so you don’t know EXACTLY what’s going on, but you know it’s not as darling as the media makes it out to be. If it makes money it makes sense and as long as these programs make a profit they’ll turn a blind eye until the heat burns a little too hot.
Obviously prayers to the family of the victim, Jamea Harris. She is leaving behind a son which makes everything even more sad. I’m no hero or moral high-ground Twitter warrior so I’m not gonna say much more and just state the obvious. Everyone that isn’t crazy knows situations like this suck to hear about.
I’ll be interested to see if any more details are released in the coming weeks. Usually we don’t get the whole story at first, so things could easily change. I will only be rooting on the downfall for the people who deserve it. Until next time.
-
Russell Westbrook Signs with the Clippers
Hum Diddly Doo would ya look at that. Russell Westbrick is sitting his ass right back in LA after being bought out by the Jazz. Why would the Clippers do this you might ask? I have no fucking idea! I respect his heart, but Westbrook was single-handedly tanking the Laker’s season. It’s like he placed a futures bet on their win total and has a heavy bag on the under. Now he’s taking his talents to the B-side of Los Angeles.
Russell Westbrook being overrated is in my personal Hall of Fame for great takes by me. I’ve claimed the guy was trash/overrated even since his early days in OKC. He held back those Thunder teams from a title more than once and gleefully drove KD out of town to claim the title as the greatest stat-padder in NBA history. He’s an owner of the worst MVP in league history solely because he averaged a “triple-double” which he would do like 4 more times. So why doesn’t this guy have 4 MVPSs? Probably because he single-handedly (you’ll hear that a lot today) tanked the value of the triple-double too. He’s a human black hole and his rabid fans used to be the most annoying in all of sports. Notice how I said “used to” because he drove them all out of town too.
No disrespect to Russell (even though this entire article is disrespectful), but he is the biggest anchor to an NBA franchise I’ve ever seen. I don’t mean anchor as in he keeps everything steady, I mean he fucking drags everything down with disturbingly-strong gravitational force. OKC only liked him because snakey-snake KD slithered out of town so they had no choice but to ride hard for the human Ninja Turtle. I’ve been trying to figure out why the Clippers signed him since I started writing this and I still have no idea. Perhaps they know they’re the Clippers and they will literally never win anything so why not add a little highlight package to the end-of-season sizzle reel. Nothing wrong with a little spice in the garbage (Russell is the spice, the Clippers are the garbage). I actually just laughed out loud because I forgot they just traded John Wall, who is basically the injured-Russell Westbrook. They’re both just fast guys that are way past their prime and look pissed off all the time.
I would say I feel bad for Kawhi Leonard, but as we all know, his programming doesn’t allow him to process emotion. He’ll probably just collect some data for a few games then start load managing when he realizes it’s hopeless. I guess it’ll be cool to see PG and Russ reunited, but not really though. I thought about it for a second then remembered what they accomplished together last time: not shit. Looks like the Clips can celebrate another year of being baby-bro to my favorite team (since 2020) the Los Angeles Lakers. I will update the Russ tracker as the season goes along.
Ah yes it was “injuries” that held them back. -
Mac McLung Wins the Dunk Contest
The NBA Dunk Contest is something that has been in steady decline for several years now. I don’t think we’ve had a good one since the Aaron Gordon/Zach Lavine days when those boys Christened All-Star Weekend with cool-ass dunks. I remember being a little boy and watching Nate Robinson and Dwight Howard go at it a couple times. Unfortunately nowadays, we only get to watch no-name scrubs that couldn’t get the crowd excited even if they spoon-fed them Molly beforehand.
Mac McLung was the star of the show tonight. He actually delivered some pretty sweet dunks and deservedly won the title. The only problem he’s not even an NBA player. They brought him up specifically to do this (thank God they did) but that doesn’t make it any less ridiculous. He might actually have been the most famous athlete in the contest though because of his viral videos in high school and college. Are we heading down a road where we can just bring athletic randos in to do the Dunk Contest? Superstars don’t seem to want to do it anymore, which is lame as fuck. Ja Morant and Zion could walk in there and do basic tomahawks and get the crowd more amped than anything that happened tonight. People always go “OHHHH” way louder when it’s a famous person for some reason. Zion said he’d consider it next year, unfortunately, he probably needs to focus on not eating himself before he can worry about a dunk contest.
The Bozo Award for the night goes to Jericho Sims. I’m not sure what this guy was smoking before the show tonight. Bro only got two dunks and did the same thing twice- just stuck his fucking elbow or shoulder in the rim or whatever. It was cool one time when Vince Carter did it 20 years ago, but now it’s basically just jumping straight up. Its especially not cool when nobody in the arena knows your name. It was a tough watch when he did it the second time, and tried to grab the piece of paper that said “50” on it. That was especially hilarious because the paper was ripped when he opened it, physical proof that he didn’t pull the dunk off to perfection. It’s even more disappointing when you realize that guy may have the biggest bunnies of all time (aside from DK Metcalf). On his first attempt he was literally looking down at the rim. He’s all bounce no brain apparently. If he had a personal dunk coach that just came up with cool shit for him to do he could’ve won in a landslide.
I’d say this year was definitley better than the last few years. Mac doing some good dunks combined with the other hilarious moments like Jericho’s brain farts and the Shaq Cam made it entertaining enough. My only solution to really fix it would be to only allow people who are involved in All-Star weekend do it. It’s ALL-STAR weekend not Average Joe weekend. I think the NBA should hire me as a consultant and pay me $250,000 a year for advice like this. I’d definitely consider leaving my 9-5 for that.
-
Are the Lakers Back?
That is the million dollar question. I sit here in my Fortnite party with a fellow LakeShowBro and we just declared: It’s playoff time baby. After Big Peen Pelinka went 200 IQ on the trade deadline and got everyone’s favorite franchise back on the path to title town.
I’m pretty sure they are currently 2-1 with the new roster. Last night they beat the piss out of the Pelicans and won comfortably for the first time in about 3 years. It’s kind of miraculous what happens when you add some shooting in a league that’s dominated by shooting. It’s only taken Jeanie Buss and Pelinka 4 years to learn this, but hey everyone learns at their own pace and I’m just happy they’re finally starting to catch on. It kind of reminds me of 3rd-grade math, and I struggled for a few weeks with division. We can’t expect the Lakers front office to match the intelligence of a 3-year-old me, so lets cut them a little slack.
It warms my heart to see D’Angelo Russell back in the purple and gold. We sent him to rehab a few years ago after the little Nick Young “snitch” thing. A few courses in internet safety and computer science have all but assured the new locker room that won’t be happening again. Don’t worry Lebron, all your secret affairs are still safe. I’d say the same for AD, but everyone knows he isn’t getting any pussy with that giant fucking eyebrow. He also doesn’t deserve any cooch with the piss-poor effort he’s been putting in the last few weeks. Pussy is for guys that try hard, Anthony.
It’s also refreshing to see LA trot out guys that don’t belong in a nursing home. I don’t know if Lebron has some sort of contagious age infection, but every team he plays on consists of 30 and up buyout-level guys. Speaking of, don’t be surprised to see Kevin Love make his way out west. I just hope he brings a lot of dopamine-enhancing drugs to counteract the clinical depression triggered by being around Lebron (that was a JOKE, I know depression isn’t funny, sorry Kevin). Depression jokes aside, it’s nice to see some young blood out there. I’m surprised it’s taken Jeanie Buss this long to clamor for that. She definitely seems like the type to prefer the young vs the old…
I honestly don’t see how the Lakers aren’t title favorites at this point. Vegas seems to think PHX should be favored just because they added No-Knees Durant to their squad. What could possibly go wrong with that situation? Jokic is way too white to lead a team to a title, I think it’s been proven that only Larry Bird can do that at this point. Steph Curry’s bones are now made of glass so that just leaves Giannis. The league will be trembling in fear after the All-Star Break.
Damn it’s a good time to be a Laker. I bleed purple and gold forever, or until Lebron goes to a different team.
-
Super Bowl Review
CRY EAGLES CRYYYYYYYYYYYY. FUCK YOU NICK SIRIANNI, YOU DESERVE To LOSE COWARD!!!
What joy I had last night watching Phillydelphia dreams fall apart in real-time. It’s even sweeter that they lost on a “controversial” holding call leaving them feeling robbed. They’ll forever be wondering what their offense could’ve done with the ball, and I’ll forever be laughing. Nobody deserved this gut-wrenching loss more than the most annoying coach of all time Nick Siracha.
In my humble opinion, it’s officially time to call Patrick Mahomes the GOAT. There just ain’t anyone better, and I don’t think there ever has been. The guy just refuses to suck, or disappoint, or let #ChiefsKingdom down, even on just two legs (again, the third has an ankle sprain). Patty was basically flawless in the second half. He probably would’ve had a perfect first half too, had he ever been on the fucking field. God, watching the Eagle’s slow-burn offense makes me want to stab my face with chopsticks. It was effective, but it should be fucking illegal. If it were up to me, the city of Philadelphia would be banned from even playing in super bowls. If they won the NFC, whoever they beat in the conference championship would be pushed forward to the super bowl.
I will give a small shoutout to former OU quarterback Jalen Hurts. My initial assessment of “dogshit” might have been slightly off. I still think he benefited mightily from the roster composition but there’s no doubt he showed up last night. If he hadn’t shit his pants out of nowhere on that scoop-n-score he might be brooding with the Lombardi in his hands.
I take back my shoutout to grass. That grass was ass. Overall I was satisfied with that Super Bowl. We got a back and forth affair with the right team winning in the end. Some will complain about the ending but not me. Was it a hold? Kind of. Should they make that call to decide the game? Probably not. Did it screw over the Eagles, sending their fans into misery and me into elation? Fuck yeah it did. Thank you NFL Referees. Roger Goodell was right: the officiating is the best its ever been. I hope they carry this anti-Eagles momentum into next season and perpetuity. God bless America, God Bless the Super Bowl.
Congratulations to Nick Wright. The shit-eating will have to wait another year. -
Super Bowl Preview
Anyone with a brain knows that once football starts in the fall, Sunday becomes the de-facto best day of the week. Once that happens, we spend 20 weeks building up to the ultimate Sunday: The Super Bowl.
Sadly this year, like every year, my beloved Dallas Cowboys will not be playing in the Big Game. To make matters worse, my least favorite franchise had a cakewalk path and managed to slip in. Disgusting. I will be heavily rooting for Kansas City today, but have little faith due to Patrick Mahomes only having two good legs (the third one has a high ankle sprain). Jackson Mahomes is doing his best to make me despise the Chiefs, but no matter how many unbearably cringe Tik Tok dances he does, he still has not eliminated the Cowboys from playoff contention. He will have to settle for #2 on my Super Bowl enemies list this year.
If I was a betting man (which I am) I would be all over Chiefs ML today. Not many times are you gonna get Patrick Mahomes as a neutral site dog, and even fewer times will you get that against Jalen Hurts. Hurts is a Sooner so I’ll be gentle here: He’s honestly kind of dogshit. It’s so annoying to watch the media slurp his meat for “winning” games when he has barely done anything. He doesn’t even have 300 yards passing in the playoffs, played maybe the easiest playoff schedule ever, and has a top 2 roster in the whole league. That hasn’t stopped ESPN from trying to make him an MVP and leap him into the top 10 QB discussion. I refuse to believe Jalen Hurts is a top-10 NFL QB. I’ll give him credit, he’s very dangerous with his legs and when he plays within the Eagle’s power run scheme it is very dangerous. He takes care of the ball and does what he needs to but that’s the thing: he barely has to do anything. If anything, Hurts should be an example that you don’t need a HOF-level guy to win a Super Bowl. the Eagles unfortunately have a really good GM who elevated the roster around his QB and that’s why they’re playing today. Many idiots (my friends) seem to think QBs should carry a sub-par team to rings. I’d like to see the Eagles trade AJ Brown for a 5th-round pick, then re-examine how good Jalen Hurts looks.
On the other side, Patrick Mahomes has a chance to solidify himself as one of the top-5 QBs ever. He’s pretty much had a HOF career already and adding another MVP and Super Bowl to that this season would cement it. To my eyes, Pat is already the GOAT. I’ve never seen a QB as good as him, but he won’t be considered that unless he reaches Brady-level achievements. To be honest, that probably isn’t going to happen. Tom Brady made a deal with the Devil and traded his family for incredible playoff luck and 7 Super Bowls. To be honest, I think most of the world would like Pat Mahomes to do the same because his family fucking sucks. The Eagles are better at every position group except QB. Really hoping the gap between Mahomes and Hurts is enough to close the deal for my sanity.
I think this game is gonna come down to the Chiefs starting out hot. If the Chiefs get an early lead, I don’t see how they lose this game. I don’t think the Eagles power run offense will be able to mount a comeback. They do have a solid passing attack, but Hurts is a sus thrower and has a bum shoulder on top. Even if the Chiefs go down, we know Mahomes can do that wizard shit and throw a behind-the-back 60 yard TD or someting. As long as they don’t let the Eagles run-game suffocate them, the KC should be fine. This is also a weird micro-cosm of run-heavy vs. pass heavy. I’m all in on guns ablazing air raids so my football philosphy an IQ are on the line here. I do have get out of jail free cards though with the leg sitation and Eagles overwhelming roster advantage. Mickey-mouse ring for Philly, and historic glory for Mahomes.
Hopefully I don’t get a lot sleep tonight cuz I’m hearing the Eagles cry. #ChiefsKingdom.
Shoutout to elite grass. -
NBA Trade Deadline Madness
One of the greatest days of the year came and went like a wet dream today. The NBA trade deadline almost always blesses sports fans with random and exciting trades for no reason. Most of the time there’s like 1-2 blockbusters involving game-changing players, and the other 90% are role guys that we weirdly get excited about seeing in new uniforms. Basically the trade deadline is a microcosm of the human addiction to new things. It’s the cool shiny toy you get on Christmas that you’ll play with 4 times and never touch again. Will I tune in to watch the new-look Lakers every night? Probably not. Did I waste 4 hours of my day refreshing Twitter to see what their next move would be? You’re god damn right I did!
Let’s start with the Big Kahuna: Kevin Durant is headed to the PHX Suns for like 4 first-round picks, Mikal Bridges, and Cam Johnson.
Somehow this weasely snake has managed to find himself on another super-team. Bridges and Johnson are good players but flipping them into KD is pretty fucking good. Devin Booker is already a big star and somehow the Suns managed to keep Deandre Ayton too, who honestly probably would’ve preferred to be shipped off anyway. Obviously, these annoying fuckers are now contenders once again. The only person I’m happy for is Chris Paul. He’s an asshole and everyone hates him, which is exactly why I love him. It’d be nice to see him get a ring, but we all know the negative horseshoe that lives in his asshole will prevent them from winning somehow. Be prepared for a devasting injury at the most critical and inopportune time.
The other teams making big moves were the Lakers and Clippers. The Lakers ended up with DLo, Malik Beasley, Mo Bamba, and Jared Vanderbilt while shipping off Pat Bev and Russel Westbrook. Hallelujah! They’re automatically better off by subtracting those two morons from the club. I’m not convinced the guys coming in will make them better, but at least they shoot a little better. The Clippers added Eric Gordon, one of the Plumlees, and Bones Hyland. They’re probably better too, again not sure. I like Luke Kennard and they sent him packing. The Clippers are cursed (much like CP3) and will never win anything so honestly, it’s kind of irrelevant what they do at this point. If every all-star in the West played for them they’d still have no shot at a title. Please just move to Seattle.
The rest of the moves were pretty small and involved a bunch of role players so I won’t bore all 8 of my loyal readers with the details. The most hilarious trade of the day is John Wall going back to the Rockets 1 week after he called them “so trash.” Players going back to former teams actually happened a lot today. Gary Payton to the Warriors, Poetl to the Raptors, DLo to the Lakers, and a few more that I’m too lazy to name.
Overall, I am definitely satisfied with the deadline this year. Another minor storyline was watching Shams and Woj duke it out on Twitter again. I think Woj reclaimed his throne this year. It’s truly remarkable. Reminds me of watching Messi and Mbappe in the World Cup. Two all-time greats at the peak of their powers scratching and clawing for all the marbles. Woj may have won the battle, but Shams still won the war when he took down Kay Adams on National TV. Bravo, my good sir.
I’ll be counting down the days until next year’s deadline. The NBA is officially back.
-
Will Lebron Break Kareem’s Record Tonight?
It’s a potential monumental night in sports history. Lebron is 36 points away from becoming the NBA’s all-time leading scorer. I’ve been a Bronsexual for as long as I can remember. From the early Cavs days to Miami (the best Lebron period), back to Cleveland, and now to Los Angeles. I have stuck by his side through thick and thin. Now my favorite player ever has a chance to cement himself on top of every player that’s ever played the game (no homo).
Will he do it tonight? 36 is a lot for a 38-year-old. He has easily been scoring at that clip this season and it will undoubtedly be a lot cooler if he does it needing a high point total vs needing like 4. I’d give him a pretty good chance, but I know somehow Russel Westbrook will think it’s all some big tribute to himself and take more shots. It’s much more likely that Westbrook blows the game/record and AD tweaks an ankle. I won’t be rooting for those but it’s inevitable.
Hopefully, the Lakeshow circus can get it together for just one night. If they manage to keep it close and not suck ass for the first time this year, the GOAT has a chance to add another notch to his belt. We are all #witnesses.
-
Kyrie Irving Traded to Dallas Mavericks
Raise the banner. Kyrie Irving has officially been shipped off to D-town. I correctly predicted this in my previous blog so good job by me. Personally, I would have preferred Kyrie go to the Lakers but as I’ve learned many times in my life- shit does not go my way.
I think Dallas deserves some credit here. The Twitter pressure was starting to build in Dallas because the team surrounding Luka is quite ass. Many comparisons have been made to Lebron’s early days with the Cavs when they managed to have a dogshit roster for his first 7 years. Luka isn’t as good as Lebron was back then and the league overall is way better, so it would be borderline impossible for Luka to solo-carry them to an NBA title. At least getting a second star should alleviate some of the pressure, even if Kyrie does have some manic tendencies. Dallas only traded away Dinwiddie, DFS, and like one 1st round pick. Definitely worth taking a swing, but I have my doubts about how successful this will be.
This could end up not working out for a couple reasons.
- I’m not convinced Luka’s current playstyle is compatible with other stars. He’s one of the greatest on-ball talents we’ve ever seen, but as a former middle-school A team hooper myself, I know how hard it can be to find a rhythm and contribute with someone who dominates the ball that much. Trading for Kyrie to just stand in a corner doesn’t seem like the best use of his talents.
- Kyrie Irving is clinically insane. Everywhere he goes chaos and destruction follows. I’m doing my own personal countdown for how long it will take Mavs fans to turn on him. It will be pretty hilarious to see so many people be surprised when he begins his ridiculous antics. I wonder what group of people he’ll attack next. Maybe he won’t get along with Luka and will go after the entire nation of Slovenia.
Will this win Dallas a title? Probably not. Will it make the league more entertaining? Probably yes. I do think Kyrie will look even more skilled wearing those Mavs colors.
The West is wide open right now so if by some miracle Kyrie holds off on nuking the locker room until after the season, this team could go places.
Another fantastic job by Rob Pelinka and co. not pulling this off. It couldn’t have been made any easier, and yet they still managed to fail. LeGM was on the phone as well and even made some public statements, but it wasn’t enough this time. They really need to pull out the “Fuck It” button soon if they want to make some noise. Go for KD, why the hell not? His clock is probably ticking too.
Anyways, good for Dallas, hope it works out. Probably won’t, but that’s what makes the NBA fun. The trade deadline is a wonderful time of year.
-
Kyrie Irving Requests Trade Out Of Brooklyn
The unthinkable happened today. This afternoon, Kyrie Irving set NBA Twitter ablaze when he shockingly announced his request to be traded out of Brooklyn. There is no way anyone could have seen this coming, and now the Kyrie sweepstakes are underway.
I honestly can’t think of a single NBA franchise that wouldn’t want to deplete their assets for Kyrie. He has proven to be a leader of men, champion of people, and multi-cultural icon. Everywhere he goes, success follows him. Line up NBA, because this guy is worth everything you have.
I can’t blame Kyrie for wanting to leave Brooklyn. Kevin the Snake still plays there and he’s the worst man on planet Earth for stealing at least 2 titles away from Lebron with the biggest pussy move in sports history. My greatest hope is that the Lakers send Russell Westbrook to Brooklyn and reunite Kevin with his best friend. Their chemistry together was unmatched (though Russ has great chemistry with everyone), and the basketball world would love to see them back together. It would almost guarantee a title for the Nets.
Kyrie also did the Nets a big solid by letting them know so early that he would like to be moved elsewhere. 6 days is PLENTY of time to get this deal done so another good job by you Kyrie. Anyone who calls this man selfish, conceited, fraudulent, or cowardly is an absolute moron. I look up to Kyrie Irving and I hope my future son grows up to be just like him one day.
What does his future hold? No fucking clue. I can only guess it will be filled with lots of success. This guy just has the IT factor in his DNA. I rank him up there with Anthony Davis and James Harden as one of the most reliable superstars in the game today. I would like to congratulate the future fanbase that aqcuires Kyrie on winning the NBA title. You just won the lottery for one of the most self-aware and loveable players ever. Way to go.
I predict Mavs or Lakers.
The Armchair Experts 