-
NBA Draft Review
The NBA Draft was last night, and Jesus Christ it was a fucking snooze fest. I was hoping for at least 3.5 Woj bombs where some unhappy superstars could catch a breath of fresh air on a new squad. It makes me and everyone else in the world so excited when they list those trade details on Twitter all night long. Instead we got a limp dick top 10 with a few minor trades that no one gives a fuck about. I’m not going to cover bullshit like Derrick Lively getting traded from OKC to Dallas like that matters at all. I doubt Javale Mcgee 2.0 will really turn the tides on future title runs for either of those teams (OKC will never win a title). Let’s just touch over the highlights involving some names I actually recognize and get the fuck out of here.
Wembanyama drafted #1 overall to San Antonio
- Wow. Who could have seen this coming? This stunning pick was leaked moments before it happened and the crowd couldn’t believe what they were seeing. This was Anthony Bennet all over again. Wemby will be a BUST.
Hornets take Brandon Miller over Scoot Henderson
- This one is actually fucking stupid. I don’t know if anyone has been paying attention because it’s Charlotte, but they’ve basically been acting like an undergound crime syndicate moonlighting as an NBA team for the past few years. Nobody finds it the least bit suspicious that they’re drafting known arm’s dealer Brandon Miller?? I can say one thing for sure: this team is going to shoot the lights out next season. Run and hide NBA teams.
Cam Whitmore slips to pick 20
- I don’t watch Villanova hoops, so I’m not overly familiar with Cam Whitmore’s game from a reality perspective. However, I do consume several hours of podcasts every single week so I feel like I have the authority to speak on this some. Why would a supposed top 10 talent fall all the way to pick 20? The guy didn’t even make it in the lottery. Whitmore was visibily pissed in the green room all night long, and I’m sure his mood didn’t improve when he found out he was going to the fucking Rockets. Really tough scene to not get drafted high and still land on a shit team. It would’ve been cool if the Lakers or Heat or any franchise with a pulse took a swing on this athletic freak. I heard his coach might’ve thrown him under the bus during interviews and if true, that guy is a scumbag. Not surprising, considering Villanova is a Philly school and that city only produces the worst of mankind.
Zion Williamson was NOT traded
- When I was mentioning snooze fest earlier, this is what I was alluding to. Everyone knew the Big Kahuna might be on the move tonight and my ears were pinned to see where that might be. Sadly, it looks like the boy is staying in the city of pastries and strippers. I can’t believe we let this guy get drafted to one of the fattest and horniest cities in the country. There was just no way he was going to be able to stay away from beignets, bourbon, and bitches. It won’t be long before his jersey is hanging in the rafters of a strip club like James Harden. He’ll probably have it hanging in a couple restaurants too. I was hoping we’d get to see him somewhere for a fresh start but no one wanted to pull the trigger I guess. Maybe if Moriah Mills bought an NBA franchise she’d go for it. I saw today she got his name tatooed on her face so I’m assuming that’d be her #1 priority as owner and GM. You sure know how to find the good ones Zion.
Twins got drafted back to back at #4 and #5
- I don’t even know how that statement is possible. I had never even heard of these twins before because they played in some fake ass overtime league. Apparently they’re both athletic as fuck and can shoot and pass AND they look the same??? Seems fishy. I also think Detroit might’ve taken the 2nd one at #5 just to avoid any cringe or awkward moments if one of the twins slipped too many picks. Imagine how embarassing it would be that the guy who looks and plays exactly like you got picked 10 spots ahead. I know that’s a shame I’d never want to deal with.
Those are all the storylines I can think of right now that are even remotely interesting. This summer better start popping off with some trades or I will log a formal complaint to the leage office. Adam Silver better get his shit together NOW. There’s no way we can have a loser franchise like Denver be the face of the NBA for a second straight year. Do what you need to do Adam.
-
Victor Wembamyama will be a BUST
The NBA Draft is approaching quickly. It’s been one of the more hyped up drafts in recent memory, due to a highly regarded top 3. I’m here to declare that 2 out of these 3 prospects are complete frauds, and I have the scientific proof to back it up. Prepare for foolproof analysis.
Let’s start with giraffe-turned-basketball player: Victor Wembamyama. This guy is easily the most anticipated prospect since recovering sex addict, Zion Williamson. I guess we can’t rule out that same possibility for Wemby, considering his country of origin. But we’re not here to focus on big booty hoes, this article is staying strictly on the court. Mr. Victor is a 7’5″ unicorn with handles and a “shot.” Apparently he’s going to waltz into the NBA and be the best player in the world in 3 years time. However, smart NBA pundits such as myself have taken a little closer look under the hood, and I’m not so sure I believe that conspiracy theory.
First off, he’s somehow tricked everyone into thinking he’s some tall great shooter like KD or Porzingis (once upon a time). HOWEVER, it’s been noticed that he doesn’t even shoot 30% from beyond the arc. AND that’s in a French league where everyone has been learning the art of surrender since they were 3 years old. Just because he has a pretty form for such a tall guy doesn’t mean the ball is going through the hoop.
I’m also not sold on Victor’s playmaking or defensive abilities. He’s been averaging more assists than turnovers so he’s not exactly a wizard with the rock. Pretty embarassing considering he has access to every passing lane imaginable. As for defense, the guy is built like a twig. I’m sure he’ll rack up some nice blocking stats because of his Mr. Fantastic arms but will he really be a strong interior rim protector? I’m not so sure. If aforementioned pornstar Zion puts one shoulder into this guy he’s going to snap in half. That’s not his preferred method of back-breaking but I don’t think that’s going to stop him.
I haven’t even mentioned the injury possibilities with this guy. I mean he’s 7’5″ for Christ’s sake. When in the history of mankind has this ever turned out well? The average male height is 5’9″ (told you this was backed by science) meaning he’s almost 2 above average. He could rupture his achilles or have his knees collapse just crossing the street. The best possible outcome injury-wise is Kevin Durant, and he’s had more than his fair share of season-enders. Obviously I don’t want the kid to get hurt because he’ll be an absolute freakshow to watch, but it just seems inevitable for guys with his body type. Just take a look at Chet Holmgren from last year.
Obviously as a GM you have to take this cat #1. Fortunately, he’s going to a dumpster fire franchise in the San Antonio Spurs, who have been completely irrelevant since 2015. Kawhi took their dignity with him when he scooted out of there and they haven’t recovered since. They might want to invest in some new team doctors because like I said, I doubt this guy avoids having to get his knees looked at during his career. Fuck you San Antonio, I still haven’t forgiven you since 2014. NBA Karma clearly agrees with me, because you haven’t done shit for nearly a decade now.
Another top 3 prospect in this draft is Brandon Miller. I’m not going too in-depth here, but earlier today it was revealed that he thinks Paul George is the GOAT. That’s easily the worst thing Brandon Miller has ever said or done and is my #1 red flag for avoiding him in the draft. You just can’t draft a guy who would say those words out loud with a straight face. I just can’t trust him now. The only guy worth drafting this year is Scoot Henderson. He’s short, but he already goes by one word “Scoot” and is built like an absolute tank. They say he’s a psychopath who never leaves the gym so he sounds dependable. Definitely not the kind of guy who will get his sext messages leaked online and have 2 different baby mamas going to war on social media. We have a winner.
I’m very curious to see how the draft turns out tomorrow. I’m rooting for maximum chaos and hopefully a ton of trades. We’ve already seen a 3-team trade come and go this afternoon so who knows how epic it could get tomorrow. Time to unmute Woj and Shams for a night so I can stay locked in on all the action. Hopefully they don’t spoil the picks again though, otherwise they’re going right back on mute. Woj “promised” he wouldn’t, but I still don’t trust him or that sleezbag Shams. He’ll probably ruin every pick from the comfort of Kay Adam’s bedroom. What a life that guy lives, fuckin prick. Happy NBA draft week.
-
Bradley Beal Traded to Phoenix
The Phoenix Suns have made another trade. After acquiring Kevin Durant mid-season this year, they’ve immediately turned around and traded for another star. Heroic playoff performer Bradley Beal is the newest member of the Suns big 4 (if you count Deandre Ayton). Phoenix is infected head to toe with new owner syndrome. They haven’t stopped making crazy trades since Matt Ishbia bought the team in December. Also remember when he almost got in a fight with Jokic? That was pretty crazy. Let’s take a look and see if adding RealDealBeal gives these guys an actual shot at an NBA title.
Phoenix lost in 6 this year to Denver. Some might say going to 6 games means they put up a better fight than the Lakers (who lost in the closest sweep ever) but I’m not so sure. They won 2 fluky games where KD and Booker combined for like 80+ points on 80% shooting for 2 games. I don’t know the exact stats but they basically didn’t miss a shot for 2 games. I don’t think that fraudulent shooting means they deserve more credit than LA. However that is not the point of this article. To acquire Mr. Beal, Phoenix had to give up 38 year old Chris Paul and future Hall of Famer Landry Shamet. Jesus what a haul. While it’s obvious Washington cashed out big time for their All-Star, would this guy have made a difference for PHX in the playoffs? I’m not so sure.
Ever heard the phrase “there’s only one ball” ?. Well, I’m not going to say that here, because since 2017 you could have described every single Kevin Durant team that way. First the Warriors (fuck you for that KD), Kyrie-Harden trio in Brooklyn, and now this weird Suns team. Can this guy just once play on a normal fucking roster? It’s getting to a point where we have no idea how to evaluate how impactful or good he actual is since he’s always got multiple all-stars but everyone gets hurt and they never actually win. Bradley Beal really doesn’t add much to a team besides scoring. He’s not an eltite defender or playmaker, and he isn’t exactly known for his savvy off-ball movement. How is this going to turn out any different than Brooklyn? Booker is probably better than Kyrie and Harden at this point, but he needs the ball too. Let’s also not forget that their entire bench will be made up of guys at the local YMCA in Scottsdale. Let’s also not forget that Bradley Beal hasn’t played in more than 60 games since 2019. Let’s ALSO not forget that Bradley Beal is making $50+ million over the next FOUR (4!) years. This sounds like a recipe for success.
This article is trending towards getting mean, but I don’t want it to. I like Bradley Beal. He’s a Florida Gator, so I’ll always have a soft spot for him there. When I was a wee little boy I always enjoyed watching him and John Wall tear it up in the golden days of the NBA. The problem is, I can’t think of one memorable playoff moment for him. Have they done anything since 2016 or since John Wall got hurt (which also might have been 2016)? Nope. Phoenix better hope he doesn’t bring that dirty Washington stench to the team. I don’t know if any great player is capable of overcoming that.
The good news for Phoenix: they practically gave up nothing. Chris Paul is right on the edge of “washed” and 99% of people in America have never heard of Landry Shamet so I think they’re okay there. It’s pretty hilarious that Washington decided to make this trade and start taking the draft AFTER Wemby is coming through (even though he’ll be a BUST). I can’t really blame the Suns for taking a flyer on Beal for such a low price. I find it hard to believe no one else had something better but I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s the fucking Wizards. They’re continuing an unprecedented 40 year run of torturing the shit out of their fans. Consider me impressed.
I guess I wrote a lot of words to not even come to a conclusion here. My offical prediction is that either Beal or KD will get hurt at a bad time and sadly lose in the playoffs yet again. I can’t say that thought upsets me too much. KD is still paying his penance for ruining the NBA for several years and costing Lebron multiple rings. We will never forgive you Kevin. The only way to reverse your curse would be to sign with the Lakers for the vet minimum and bring back those rings that you stole. You’re in desparate need of a redemption arc.
Can’t wait for the 2023 season.
-
OU Football 2024 Schedule Has Dropped
As you all know, the Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas University Longhorns have left for the SEC. I’ve been against this move since it happened due to the death of tradition and rivalries that we forged over decades in the Big 12 but whatever. No one is here to read my bitching (if anyone is here at all) so let’s just talk about the cool things for this schedule.
Alabama @ Oklahoma
- Welp, the Crimson Tide are coming to Norman. While not a rivaly, I’ve hated Alabama ever since I was a kid. I can’t stand Nick Saban’s reign of terror and it would be nice to see that angry little man storm out of the Palace with an L on his back. I’m still mad about 2018 when he bounced fellow little man Kyler Murray out of the CFB Playoff. It’s just bullshit having to face a team that has multiple 5 star recruits at every position. Nick Saban: recruiting merchant? I’d like to see what he can do with a couple top 15 classes vs. top 3. Probably NOTHING.
Tennessee @ Oklahoma
- The prodigal son returns. For those who don’t know, Josh Huepel was the last QB to win a natty for OU. The Vols were actually good last year for the first time in my life. I guess we’ll find out this year whether or not JH is a one-hit wonder or not. There seems to be some hype around Joe Milton (not sure why) but if they’re good again this year, we’re looking at another big matchup in Norman. I Volunteer to show my face at this game. That was pretty corny.
Oklahoma @ LSU
- Now THIS is a game that makes my pickle wiggle a little bit. I’ve never been to Death Valley, but I’ve heard the stories. I don’t kneax if there is anything that will stop me from sheauxing my face around Baton Rouge that weekend. Please God, if you do exist then you WILL make this a night game. You have to do everything you can to make my first experience there thrilling. I’m also asking for an OU W to geaux along with that black sky. Jackson Arnold should be the OU Quarterback at this time so I’m not saying it’s out of the realm of possibility. These are the games that could make me fall in love with the SEC.
Oklahoma @ Ole Miss
- Lane Kiffin, the Grove, and the Sooners. Sounds like a recipe for a solid Saturday. Ole Miss is pretty overated most of the time and OU has absolutely no history with them. This could be a Jeff Lebby revenge game so I guess we have that to look forward to. I wonder if they will qualify as our new Kansas State. A team that’s always just kind of okay but for some reason we just can’t fucking beat them consistently even when we should. I could definitely seeing the Lane Train filling that void (no offense to Nick Saban’s daughter).
Oklahoma @ Auburn
- Jesus this is a hard-ass schedule. Any of these teams could be title contenders on the right year and we’ve got 4 of them in 1 fucking season. I really hope we can string together another top 5 recruting class this offseason cuz Got Damn we’re gonna need it. I don’t know shit about the state of Auburn’s program this year and even less about next year. I know that somehow every 6 years or so they come out of nowhere and end up in the Natty. They haven’t done it in the CFP era, so I’m sure waiting for OU to join the conference is the perfect time to break out again. Regardless, I hope we beat the shit out of this two-mascot having clown school.
OU/TX
- Ah yes, the crem de la crem of college football. OUTX weekend. Of course this year, we are technically the “home” team so that means one less game for us at the palace. Regardless, this game is always a fucking dog fight. It doesn’t matter if one of these teams suck that year, they both get up for this fucking game. We hate Texas and they hate us. They’ve been a dumpster fire for over a decade and boy do I hope that continues. They almost never let me down. I’m sure after winning the same amount of Big 12 titles as Baylor and TCU they’ll come right it and hang an SEC banner immediately. Georgia and Bama are simply little brothers to these guys. Fuck Texas, and I hope we curb stomp that program into oblivion. Give them the death penalty.
Those are the biggest games for 2024. I’m not going over the boring games so if you’re looking for that go read 247 or some bullshit. I’m calling it now, the Sooners are going undefeated in year 1. JFA is coming and will finally be the guy to lead us back to the promise land. For this year (2023) I have no idea what to expect. Dillon Gabriel is fine, not great so it’s hard to expect we’ll be competing for championships, but maybe a Big 12? We did lose half our games by 1 score or less last season so maybe some variance will play in our favor for once. All I know is I’m slowly getting more and more hyped about football season. I’ve missed it dearly, and counting down the days is the only thing getting me through the dead season. Just a few months longer boys…
-
Blind MLB Picks
If anyone knows me, they know I absolutely fucking hate baseball. It is so boring and so slow, and the thought of sitting through 4 hours of that shit makes me want to blow my brains out. Thank God for the new pitch clock. I’ve been to 3 MLB games in my life and fallen asleep at 2 of them. Unsurprisngly a great place to nap considering the crowd noise was barely louder than my TV. Regardless, I think I can still manage to get the juices flowing if I toss a litle wager on some MLB today. I know next to nothing about who is good and bad, so I’m essentially covering my eyes and hoping something sticks. I might as well be that damned Corgi that almost sent the Lakers home in round 2. This should be fun.
Oakland A’s +1.5 vs. Tampa Bay
- Okay, so the one thing I do know is that Tampa is the best team in baseball. I also know that Oakland is having some weird kind of rennasaince in leu of them moving the team to Vegas. Can’t say I really care either way, but the dogshit A’s have been on a bit of a hot streak recently. I know they caught an L yesterday but today we are recapturing some of that magic. Reverse boycott for life.
Texas Rangers -1.5 vs. LA Angles
- I’m pretty sure the Rangers have been solid this year. Don’t like going up against one of the 5 baseball players I know in Ohtani, but I’m pretty sure the Angels have been cancelled for never being good and surrounding him with shithole players. I’m riding with Dallas’ finest today.
SD Padres -1.5 vs. CLE Guardians
- The Padres have one of the best logo/color combinations in baseball. I see lots of hype beasts wearing those brown and yellow hats. I also know they got a few starts on the roster so how can I knot pick them? I also think the Guardians rebrand is wack as fuck and now root against them. Cleveland is a Cavs city anyways.
Chicago White Sox +1.5 @ LA Dodgers
- I know the Dodgers have been good in recent years just from tuning into the World Series every now and then. Regardless, talent can’t make up for culture, and the White Sox have the coolest swag in baseball. All-time classic hats and colors, there’s no way I can pick against them. I will always ride for the pinstripes over the solids any day of the week. Shoutout White Sox Dave.
There you have it. I have no idea how this is going to go. I’m feeling either undefeated or winless today, and there’s no spot I’d rather be in. Remember, it’s just as hard to go 0-4 as it is to go 4-0. At the very least, you can post a perfect record while fading me.
-
Denver Wins NBA Finals
It’s officially official: the Denver Nuggets have claimed the 2023 NBA Title. It was a gross, ugly game 5 that had me shadow-boxing my TV, but at least we got some solid entertainment this Monday night. There was a lot of Jokic, a lot of Jimmy Butler choking (more on that later), and a lot of tears as Denver hasn’t won an NBA title ever. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was actually happy for Jokic and Murray and all the other chicken Nuggets. My generational hating streak has come to an end I can peacefully accept that Denver was the best team this year. It’s still bullshit how much better they shot from 3 in the WCF vs. NBA Finals, but it’s time to let that go.
As for Miami, there is only one person to blame: Jimmy Butler. The performance I witnessed with my own two eyes tonight was simply disgraceful. Until the last few minutes of the 4th quarter, he had 8 points on 2-11 shooting. He kept driving to the basket then throwing some lame duck kickout pass to a role player for a bricked 3-pointer. How much do you expect your role players to carry you Jimmy? I can’t believe we had Heat fans calling for you to have a statue instead of Lebron James. Miami Lebron would have NEVER let this happen (excluding 2011 when this did happen). In fact, if he ever had role players play half as good as these Heat did, he’d have at least 3 more rings probably. Jimmy FRAUD was born tonight. His “clutch” buckets shouldn’t even count because they only consisted of lucky ass 3-pointers and bullshit free throws. I’m sure he’ll go 5-5 will cool quotes in the post game presser though. I’d put my life savings that “We’ll be back” will find its way out of his mouth tonight.
I don’t want this article to distract from the real story tonight: Lebron James. Wow will he and the Lakers bounce back to dethrone Denver in 2024? Next on Undisputed.
The NBA season is now over and I am sad. I have no idea what I’m going to write about for the next 3 months. I know absolutley nothing about baseball or really any sport that isn’t football or basketball. I could just blindly throw some MLB picks on the site. I doubt my 10 loyal subscribers will even notice. Maybe I could even just give up this blog and let 6 months of work go to waste. All options are currently being considered. The job is finished, we can go home now.
-
Zion Williamson: Sex Addict?
Once upon a time the year was 2019. The NBA Draft was coming up, and it had 2 of the most anticipated prospects in recent memory: Zion Williamson and Ja Morant. These high-flying human highlight reels were about to set the league on fire, and everyone had nothing but praise for the young goats. Fast-forward to 2023, and things have taken a bit of a wild turn… to say the least.
Zion’s whole career on the court has basically been an injury filled disaster. It really sucks because when he plays, he’s one of the 10 most dominant guys in the league. It appears that his knees and feet just can’t contain his prestige-level fatness for more than a few months. We all knew that New Orleans probably wasn’t the best spot for him to land from a food perspective, and unfortunately the allegations are true. It’s crazy to go back and look at HS and early college clips when Zion was absolutely YOKED and could jump out of the gym at will. His highlights were so awesome but he was more than just that, he was a great player too. Incredible touch around the rim and surprising court vision.
Unfortunately, Zion has been in the news this week for having touched around the wrong rims. Zion recently announced the birth of his new daughter (congrats btw) via a gender reveal on Instagram. Following that event, a young woman by the name of Moriah Mills took to Twitter an unleashed Hell with a barrage of tweets attacking the sweet young Zion. Apparently, Mills was his sidehoe (?) or something, and she seemed quite upset about him having a child with another woman. There were a few wild accusations and a few hilarious screenshots included along the way. I’m not sure I totally believe everything she said, but if it IS true, then Zion needs to re-evaluate the way he talks to women. I’m no savant, but his robot-like approach is very uncomfortable to read and if his net worth wasn’t $200M, he might still be a virgin. All the game on the court, and none of it off. He already got caught lacking with a Snapchat back in college, and is continuing his unprecedented run of leaked sexual engagements to this day. It sounds like Mills has some sex-tape level ammo to let loose if she wakes up one day and really wants to go off the rails.
Who am I to judge Zion’s choice in lovers, but why so many pornstars big guy? You could have any girl you want, and it seems like you’re choosing the ones that any guy could have. If you can’t notice these red flags before you get to “leak all conversations and give dick reviews on Twitter” level, then I don’t know what to tell you. Props to you for getting the ladies down bad, but I know it hurts having your manhood called “trash” and wearing the label of “box-mucher” in front of the whole world. We already make fun of you for eating enough already Zion, you didn’t have to go and add pussy to the list! It’s also embarassing if this lady was actually motivating you to stay in shape. Sex is not the kind of excercise you need to focusing on big dawg. Maybe go get a couple shots up in the gym next time you feel horny or something. It’s a shame that “horny” is pretty much the number one way to describe NBA players these days. I never expected you to be at the top of that list.
I mentioned Ja Morant at the top but don’t even want to get into his bullshit right now. I think everyone is kind of sick of it and we all know his big suspension is coming up after the finals. Ja Wick is a menace and it doesn’t seem like he’ll be slowing down any time soon. As far as I know he hasn’t actually broken any laws, but more just been a certified dumbass. If he gets more than 20 games then I think it’s a sign Adam Silver was personally offended by Ja lying straight to his face. If possible, he should try and issue a suspension of pussy and po-boys for Zion while he’s at it. I wish we could just go back to the simple days of watching these guys electrify arenas instead of worrying about their sex and deadly weapon addicitons. The 2019 draft class has truly been one to behold.
-
NBA Finals Game 3 Picks
Game 2 of the NBA Finals was a resounding success. I completely jinxed the Nuggets into blowing a game on their home court. Sometimes you just have to take things into your own hands and do what needs to be done. If placing my hourly wages on the Nuggets in hopes that it curses them 3 more times so be it. I’m pulling my weight Miami, you fuckers just need to make sure you do the same.
Nikola Jokic U29.5 Points
- I definitely do not love taking the under on any of Jokic’s stats. Somehow the most unathletic motherfucker on the court manages to stuff the stat sheet like Zion stuffs his belly. I’m counting on his unimpressive physique to let him down tomorrow and force him into a floor general.
Bam Adebayo O32.35 Pts, Reb, Ast
- I’m riding this one until it lets me down. So far it’s 2-0 in the Finals, and FanDuel is starting to catch on. They slowly keep ticking it upward until eventually Bam lets us down big time. I have faith in you BamBam.
Jimmy Butler O25.5 Points
- Jimmy needs to get his fucking head out of his ASS. There’s no way Miami will win the series with James Butler averaging 17 fucking points a game. If he doesn’t score at least 26 points tonight then we are getting close to cancelling him. Denver isn’t even good at defense, how can you not be exposing them right now?
Jimmy Butler Top Points Scorer (+280)
- I’m getting suckered in on the value here. Also, if I’m gonna take Jokic’s under and Jimmy’s over, I might as well slap some coin on this too. It’d be real nice to get one of those games where he walks right into the lane every time and just makes the shot. We also need to do whatever we can to get Grant Williams in the arena tonight. Maybe if he runs out on the court and kisses Jimmy Butler before tip-off, we could be in for a master-class.
Denver Nuggets -3.5 @ Miami
- I’ll be taking this bet every game this series. I have a feeling every Denver W is going to be a blowout, and they will likely only lose close games. Either way, I’m cashing out or cursing them. I’ve said it many times: I will gladly set my paychecks on fire to watch this team lose. Especially you Jamal Murray. Betting with your heart is always better than betting with your head.
I’m smelling a 5-0 night, but actually praying for 4-1. If Miami can snag game 2, they might actually have a chance at winning this series. It will be a huge ego boost to people like me who can relate to the players than went undrafted. It’s proof that we can ALL be champion if we just adopt #HeatCulture.
-
NBA Finals Game 2 Picks
Game 1 of the NBA Finals was an abject disaster. At least I got home after tipoff so I couldn’t throw away my monthly wages on some half-baked picks. For game 2 though, I’m baking these picks allll the way through. There’s actually a chance I burn them. I have no faith this series will get more entertaining than the shit-kicking we saw in game 1 so I guess we’re hoping for a miracle.
Jimmy Butler O.5 Threes Made
- If the line keeps staying at .5 I’m probably going to hammer this bet every game of the Finals. If Jimmy can’t make at least one Goddamn 3 point shot in every game of the series then Miami really is fucked and the brooms are coming out quick. He went 1-2 last game so I’m really gonna need him to start firing away a little more than two fucking shots from deep.
Aaron Gordon U.5 Threes Made
- Add this to the list of bets I’ll probably take every game. Aaron Gordon usually attempts 1 three-pointer per game. If this fucker ends up splashing that one attempt then so be it. He was dominating down low last game because Miami has a teeny-weeny roster so I’d like him to park his ass near the block for 48 mins.
Jamal Murray O26.5 Points
- I’m kind of surprised this line isn’t 42.5 points. I haven’t seen the guy miss a fucking shot in over a month. I swear to God if the one time I put money on him he turns into a pumpkin or regular Jamal Murray, he will be on my all-time hate list right next to Rudy Gobert. Fuck you Jamal Murray.
Bam Adebayo O32.5 Pts, Reb, Ast
- This cashed in like the first quarter last game. I think Bam basically needs to get to 20 points and it should be an easy W. The problem is, he has the Kentucky curse of being extremely inconsistent, especially offensively. Anthony Davis suffers from the same disease. I just hope it doesn’t infect Jamal Murray tonight of all nights.
Denver -8 vs. Miami
- This line really should be higher. Miami did exactly what I thought they would do last game: play like dogshit for 40 minutes and turn it on at some point in the 4th. I won’t be surprised at all if that happens again tonight, but if Denver has another massive lead by that point it won’t matter. They are a much better team with a lot less guys that didn’t get a good phone call on draft night. I won’t miss seeing this team on my TV when it’s all over. I hope the report per Buttcrack Sports is true and Jokic just retires after this series and goes horseback riding in Serbia for a couple years. We just need the West to be totally cleared up next year for King James.
I’m weirdly confident in my picks tonight, which makes me want to fade myself. I don’t want to overthink it though, always best to underthink. Tonight might actually decide whether or not I need to pick up a second job. OR it could pay for my next special dance with Tatiana next Saturday. Big things at stake tonight.
-
Nuggets Take NBA Finals Game 1
Any NBA Finals without Lebron is barely worth watching, but since I’m a better person than the average man/woman I decided to flick on ABC and sit on my favorite couch for a couple hours. What I witnessed and realized tonight was apalling: the Denver Nuggets will be our 2023 NBA Champions.
As of May 2023, I am the #1 Nuggets hater in the world. I fucking despise this team, and their unnatural ability to make shots at the most convenient time imaginable. I would very much like to see them lose, and specifically watch Jamal Murray flame out in embarassing fashion. I reached deep back into my closet to snag my old Miami Heat gear from my time being a fan of that franchise from 2011-2014. Embarassing moment for me when it still fit.
Unfortunately for me, I had to sit and watch the same bullshit tonight that I saw during the Laker series. Several times it looked like Miami was gearing up for a nice little comeback run, and immediately it was shot down by a Kentavious Caldwell-Pope or Michael Porter Jr. 3. If it wasn’t one of those, it was an unbelievably unathletic looking turnound shot from Jokic. His uncanncy ability to make scoring the ball look as difficult as possible but always go in never ceases to amaze me. God only blessed me with the anti-athleticism and negative muscle tone, but not the shot-making ability. He does sling some pretty slick passes though, and I always find myself muttering “did you see that” to myself.
I don’t have a lot of faith in the Heat because their entire roster went undrafted, like myself. When Duncan “Jimmy Neutron” Robinson is like your 3rd best guy you might be in a little trouble at this stage of the season. Especially when KCP turns into Ray Allen out of nowhere on the other side. I miss the old KCP- the one that wore an ankle monitor and forgot how to play basketball when he was with Lebron. It sure is nice to see a superstar have role players he can count on. Jokic doesn’t have anyone forgetting the score with a few seconds left because he simply wills them to be smarter. That’s the kind of killer instinct the Lakers were missing this year.
Never count out Playoff Jimmy but this one might be over quick. I at least hope the final game is in South Beach so we can get 1 more KCP ankle monitor game at the start of next season. Chicken Nuggets in 5 (or 6). Also fuck Rudy Gobert.
I take it back. Greatest game 1 loss ever.
The Armchair Experts 