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Miami Dolphins Season Preview
Pitbull’s favorite football team had a pretty solid 2022. They unveiled first-time head coach and notorious stoner-boy, Mike McDaniel, to the world for the first time. For the most part he did not disappoint as the Dolphins deployed one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL. There were some inconsistincies along the way, but it’s pretty easy to chalk that up to several CTE-inducing injuries to Tua over the course of the season. I have a feeling that will be the overarching storyline for these guys yet again.
We might as well start with the elephant in the room: is Tua’s brain going to work for a full season? It’s pretty scary to imagine the guy trotting back out there after all the shit that happened to him last year. The word on the street was he seriously considered retirement this offseason and I don’t blame him. Even giving at it at least a year long break would have been nice. I hope he’s able to stay healthy 1. so he doesn’t die and 2. so everyone can enjoy the Dolphins lighting up the scorebard every Sunday. I don’t even think Tua is an elite-level QB, he’s honestly kind of mid. However, he’s certainly better than whoever their backup is and does a ncie job of hitting the two fastest players in the NFL on slant routes with solid consistency. As it turns out, assembling an offense full of dudes that can just outrun everybody is pretty damn effective. Mike McDaniel is the king of smarter not harder.
The Dolphins defense is also full of playmakers. Xavien Howard has been one of the best corners in the NFL for quite a while now. Now they’re pairing him with super-diva Jalen Ramsey. Remember when all they had to trade for a 1st team all-pro CB was a 3rd round pick (still fuck you Jerry Jones). They also added Bradley Chubb midseason last year and have other young studs like Jaelen Phillips on the defensive line. Pair that with some solid coaching (no idea who their DC is) and you’ve got the makings of a top 10 defense. Pair that defense with that offense and you’ve got the makings of a Super Bowl contender.
For the first time in my life the AFC East is extremely exciting. Also, ironically, the only team that I don’t think has a chance of winning it is the New England Patriots. The Jets, Dolphins, and Bills all have a chance to make the playoffs in 2023. It’s a lame and boring take, but really the Dolphins season is just gonna come down to Tua’s brain. As long as that doesn’t break they have a pretty high ceiling. I guess you could say that about literally every team in the league, but at least there’s actual history here so fuck you. I’ll be rooting for the Dolphins because they certainly make fantasy football a lot more exciting. I know anyone investing in Tyreek Hill or Jaylen Waddle this season is very much hoping for a happy healthy Tua.
2023 Record: 11-6
2nd :Place in AFC East
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Buffalo Bills Season Preview
Wheels up, it’s time to start circling those wagons. The NFL’s cinderella story is back for 2023 and I’m here to put those glass shoes on Josh Allen’s feet. It will be hard to predict what we have in store for the Bills this year. Thankfully, I am no coward, and bravely step up to the task. It’s a daunting division they face (for the first time ever), but I know they won’t back down (hopefully).
Before we even think about the regular season with these guys, we’re gonna have to make it through the offseason. As I’m sure most people know by now, social media super-Queen Stefon Diggs has been causing quite a ruccus in the Twitter streets. Rumor has it he hates Josh Allen and banged his wife out of pure spite. I don’t create the facts I just report them. Anyways, if Diggs doesn’t want to don that big blue bison on his helmet this year, then the Bills are absolutely fucked. When I look at their offensive depth chart minus Diggs, I start to gag violently. Gabe Davis, Knox, Kincaid (?), and others I don’t feel like naming are fine when they don’t have to ever worry about a double team. However you take that threat away, and you’re looking at a bottom 5 weapons core. I can only imagine how fantastic Josh Allen would look in an environment like that. Thank goodness he let Stefon have his wife. Nobody wants to win that Super Bowl than Mr. Josh Allen.
shoutout Josh Allen’s wife The Bills lost their top linebacker in Trumaine Edwards this offseason. Linebackers are like the RB of the defense, very replaceable, but I imagine that still hurts. I have absolutely no idea who they have in waiting besides golden-skinned Matt Milano. I guess we’ll just to see if he can stifle opponent’s run games with handsomness. We’ve seen Jimmy G make it to a Super Bowl that way. Do not underestimate the power of handsome. They were a top 10 defense last year, I don’t see that changing significantly. Some guys just have it all, huh Josh? (except your wife)
I think we can continue to expect good things from the Bills coaching staff. Sean Mcdermott has proven to be a very good coach. Even without bald Brian Daboll, the Bills produced at a high level. Maybe they weren’t quite as good, but that’s to be expected once you lose that Big Daboll Energy.
Thank you for your service Daboll Honestly, if the Bills can just get their shit together, there’s no reason to expect them to fall off a cliff this year. Yeah the division is tough, but technically they’re still the only proven team. The Dolphins QB has a barely functioning brain and the Jets QB is doing his absolute best to fry his as well. It would be kind of funny if the Bills took yet another step back and just missed the playoffs entirely. That would complete the blockchain of AFC Title game -> Divisonal -> Wild Card -> No playoffs. Honestly that’s an impressive countdown. As long as Josh Allen stays away from iowasca, we should be alright. No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo BILLS
2023 Record: 12-5
1st Place in AFC East
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New England Patriots Season Preview
Unfortunately it’s time to evaluate everyone’s favorite dynasty, the New England Tom Brady’s. Only this time, the golden mascot boy is no longer with us. Are we sad? No we are not. His reign of bullshit luck and terror is finally over in the National Football League. While he’s been away from the Patriots for a few years now, his haunting impact that he left on the league will last forever. Let’s see what his decaying remains left behind.
Mac Jones has been the successor to TB12. He’s pretty much the Kendall Roy to Tom’s Logan Roy. Nowhere near as good as the original but all the same DNA. Unathletic, embarassing shirtless photos, and white as hell. So far those are the only things Mac n Cheese has with the goat. I haven’t personally been impressed by what I’ve seen. It’s a little unfair because he’s had AWFUL weapons and perhaps the worst offensive coordinator of all time. It actually might be offensive to even call Matt Patricia an offensive coordinator (double offensive). I’ve never seen a man more addicted to a limp dick passing attack. He needed screen passes like Delonte West needed crack (and Lebron’s mom). He was so strung out on the short passing game that even all-american Mac Jones had to give him a serious piece of his mind. I doubt many QBs would look fantastic in that spot so he gets 36% of a pass for now. We’ll hold out final judgement for when he was a WR that’s worth a fuck (aka not Juju), but I still don’t see the elite traits.
For the first time in human history, the Patriots actually had a great first round pick. They selected Christian Gonzalez out of Oregon, and he’s got all the buzz in the world this offseason. I’m expecting him to be an absolute stud this year, and anchor a strong secondary. I can’t name more than 3 players on the Pats defense, but that’s how you know they’re gonna be great. The Belicheck special is taking 11 no-names and turning them into Super Bowl caliber defenders. After a great year they’ll all get big contracts from other teams and turn right back into dust. That’s the Patriot way.
Honestly I’m just kind of expecting another season of mid from these folks. All the do is play smart, sound, fundamental football. It makes me sick. I absolutely hate watching Patriot’s games, they are just all so fucking boring. When the most exciting player on your team is a rookie cornerback, that’s how you know you’re in for a tough watch. They’ll be so disgustingly mediocre just they have been every year without Tom Brady. Thank God this isn’t my team,- not even worth the 6 super bowls
2023 Record: 8-9
Last Place in AFC East
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Victor Wembanyama Summer League Debut Reaction
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. What the FUCK was that???? I don’t want to exaggerate, but that was easily the worst performance/debut I’ve ever seen from a #1 overall pick in my LIFE. The combination of no bag, bricked shots, and limp dick body language was enough to make me cringe my ass off tonight. It was seriously hard to watch, but as with any train wreck I just could not look away.
I wrote a blog a few weeks ago predicting that Wemby would become WemBUST. At this point, he could be the biggest bust in NBA history. The most concerning thing has to be his complete lack of bag offensively. Every time this motherfucker had the ball he was moved off his spot. I also noticed that he had no idea what to do off the ball. Not like it’s common to be great at that nowadays, but he looked lost trying to set screens for nobody and wasn’t really a lob threat off a driver. I’d be pretty concerned about that.
Twitter has also somehow tricked everyone into thinking the Frenchman is some great shooter, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The guy is an absolute brick, and has been this whole time. Previous tall/skinny guys like Chet, KD, and Porzingis have brainwashed the public into thinking these archetypes are all snipers. It’s time to delete the stigma that a lack of muscle mass is directly correlated to increased hand-eye coordination. That’s physically profiling someone and frankly I am sick of it.
The Spurs are forever going to regret not trading back with some dumbass team that was willing to give up every asset they have. You had the chance to snag the biggest trade haul in NBA history and you just fuckin blew it. Imagine taking Rudy Gobert with the 1st overall pick. Even trading back to like pick 3 and just taking Scoot would’ve been a bigger W. You don’t even have to beleive me. Gregg Poppovich had a “fuck me” look on his face alll night long. I can’t imagine how annoyed he is becoming with all the unwarranted hype surrounding this guy. Not to worry though, I think we all know when the going gets tough that Victor will honor his country and surrender.
#TeamBritney
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Jacksonville Jaguars Season Preview
Jacksonville, Sacksonville, Wacksonville, I’m not sure which approach to use with the 2023 Jags. From the day of my inception, I don’t think there has been an NFL team that I have watched less than the Jacksonville Jaguars. I’m not 100% why, but it’s likely a combination of them never being on TV, being ass, rarely making the playoffs, and barely having players that can spark even an ounce of excitement. The only Jag I can remember from my childhood is Maurice Jones-Drew. It’s safe to say that I was less than thrilled when these guys landed the most can’t-miss QB of the decade in Trevor Lawrence. Would they ruin him? Could he succeed in the piss-ridden shithole the Jags have lived in for nearly 30 years? Let’s find out.
In Trevor’s first season, things really weren’t looking great. He was horrible, had horrible weapons, horrible coaching, and the word BUST was staring him right in the face. When you’re bad enough to secure the #1 pick in back2back years, you know you’ve got some issues. To be fair, Urban Meyer put on maybe the worst coaching display in the history of the NFL. He preferred griding on college chicks in broad daylight over molding his young QB full of potential into a superstar. He could’ve just pretended Trevor was that young blonde girl and got all his horny juices out at the facility. Think smarter not harder Urban. Thankfully, Doug Pederson came to the rescue and managed to squeeze some of that potential out of Trevor. He looked much improved in 2022, but still has a long way to go before he matches the expectations set for him coming out of college. The Jags season is pretty dependent on Trevor taking that next step in 2023. If he becomes the superstar he’s billed to be, they could be a serious force in the playoffs.
Trevor is lucky in the sense that his division is complete dogshit this year. I guess you could say him and Tom Brady are similar in that aspect. He’s living proof that you can build an entire career and reputation on preying on the weak. Don’t ever let your teachers tell you that bullying is a bad thing. All my life I’ve watched bullies succeed and accomplish much more than me. My advice to the youth: bully as hard as you possibly can. Find the 3 weakest people in school and beat their ass constantly for 20 years. That’s the key to becoming a 7-time Super Bowl champion.
The most interesting storyline for this team (in my opinion) will be following the return of recovering gambling addict, Calvin Ridley. He’s finally off the slots and back on the field. Will he be any good again? I’m willing to bet (pun intended) that he’s going to be just okay. If fantasy mock drafts are any indication, then people seem to be underestimating the effects of missing 2 years of playing time. He’s also lowkey old as fuck, and will be crossing 30 soon. Obviously I’d like him to be good, because I love having an extra weapon in fantasy, but as of right now I’ll be fading.
The Jags should will also be trotting out a talented, but inexperienced defense this season. You never know when these young guys are going to break out and put the league on notice, so this side of the ball could really go either way. They could break into the top 20, maybe even top 15 fairly easily if we see a leap from guys like Travon Walker. When you use the #1 overall pick on a defensive guy, you’re really hoping for someone special. If that guy ends up being a major bust, it really throws a big wrench into their development plans. At least they have the other Josh Allen.
Well, that pretty much covers the AFC South. I really am proud of myself for actually making it through that division. Earlier I mentioned the Jags might be my all-time least-watched team, but that could honestly apply to the whole division. They are all just so boring and never on my TV, thank the Lord. At least now all you high-IQ readers can know exactly what to expect from them this year.
2023 Record: 11-6
1st Place in AFC South
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Indianapolis Colts Season Preview
What can we expect from the Indianapolis Colts in 2023? That’s what I’m here to tell you. I can guarantee lots of cocaine, alchohol, and sexual escorts for the owner, Jim Irsay. Still not sure what that means for the team on the field, but I can almost guarantee you they won’t be as exciting as that. With a new rookie QB, we can certainly expect a lot of ups and downs. Let’s make like Jim Irsay and just dive right in.
Let’s start with the elephant in the room: Anthony Richardson. What the fuck are we even gonna get from this guy? He’s pretty much the most athletic quarterback of all time based on his physical profile, but is he actually good at the sport? He was consistently inconsistent at Florida and was drafted based on the flashes of greatness he would show from time to time. Still, it’s hard for me to believe that a guy is going to be a great NFL QB when he didn’t even achieve that in college. The only guy this has ever worked out for is Josh Allen, and he belongs to a much more stable organization to say the least. The owner of his team didn’t take to Twitter about drafting a 2nd QB just to create competition/drama. He’s also working for a first time head coach with no elite weapons. Sure he has JT, but I’m not a huge fan of their WRs, starting with Michael Pittman. We’ve seen over and over how much young QBs benefit from having that one elite target on the outside. Until that day comes, I think we can expect a LOT of ugly errors from Richardson, mixed in with enough flash to keep us teased up. Hope it works out.
I mentioned previously how the Colts will be riding with another rookie in Head Coach, Shane Steichen. While he is objectively the less weird guy from the Eagles assistants that just got promotions, I’m still not sold. I’m pretty sure I could come up with an effective offense that had AJ Brown, Devonta Smith, an elite OL, and mobile QB. You could basically just implement any Madden playbook with lots of slants, streaks, and QB draws. At least he didn’t shoot finger guns and squeak out “pew pew” at his new guys.
As for the Colts defense, I think we can expect a bunch of mid-to-ass. Dallas fleeced Stephon Gilmore right out from under these guys, so that’s an instant negative for them and major bonus for me. They do have a few playmakers in DeForest Buckner (sick name) and Shaq/Darius Leonard. They’re honestly just pretty young right now, and that’s usually a recipe for a defense to suck dick. They’re gonna need a lot more experience and grit before they start making some waves.
What does rookie QB + rookie HC + young defense + cracked-out owner get you? For starters, probably not a lot of Ws. I don’t think they’ll come in last in the division simply because they aren’t cursed with the same bad luck of the Houston Texans. That franchise stinks like a fart in a hot car, and Indy has a ways to go before the stink reaches eye-watering level. I’ll tune in every now and then just to see Anthony Richardson make either badass or moronic plays. I will NOT be drafting Jonathan Taylor in fantasy this year so that takes away about 90% of the reason to watch this team. Regardless, you should listen to me to know exactly how to feel about this team.
2023 Record: 5-12
3rd Place in AFC South
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Houston Texans Season Preview
Ah, the Houston Texans. One of the NFL’s most beloved and popular franchises. We’ve seen nothing but success from these warm-bodied Texans ever since their inception back in 1999-2000. 23 years of pure dominance. Why should we expect anything different this season?
I know everyone was laughing at that criminally sarcastic opening, but we all know deep down the Houston Texans are an embarassment. Almost nothing about them is cool. Boring uniforms, colors, players, and fans. I will die on the hill that they will never win anything until they re-brand to the Oilers (yes I know the Titans are actually the Oilers, shut the fuck up). That team actually had some life and character to it.
I’d say we can expect from the Texans this season what they always give us: nothing. They’re fresh off of drafting CJ Stroud, and I can’t think of any other reason to watch this God-forsaken team except for the new young QB. I guess if I end up drafting Dameon Pierce again in fantasy I’ll watch a few goal line plays. It made me sick having him last year. I’ve never watched so many lifeless 3 and outs in my life. Thank God the Cowboys FLEECED these fools for Brandin Cooks this offseason. He deserves better than to rot in this Hell-hole. It sucks that CJ Stroud is going to look like dogshit while he’s throwing to JUCO players.
It goes without saying that I don’t expect these mofos to win many games. I actually am rooting for Demeco Ryans to succeed because he seems like a cool coach, but there isn’t a soul alive that’s managed to conquer that beast before. The only player I can even name on their defense is Jalen Pitre, and while he is a stud, I don’t think 1 great safety is going to be enough to make a playoff run. I just remembered they traded up to draft Will Anderson as well. That makes two studs. Hmmm, maybe I’ll upgrade them from a top 32 defesne to top 25. At least those guys will have some cool highlights on Twitter.
Oh well, another lost year for Texans fans. I’m a Cowboys fan, but even I’m not sure how they do it. At least we’ve had exciting players to root for over the years. The only electric guy the Texans ever had exploited every massage parlor in the city and got shipped out quickly after. Hopefully CJ Stroud doesn’t fall under that same spell.
2023 Record: 4-13
Last Place in AFC South
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Tennessee Titans Season Preview
Time to start my season preview of every NFL team. I’ve delayed as long as I could but now it seems I don’t have a choice. I’ve completed about 32 fantasy football mock drafts and even that hasn’t curbed my itch for more football. I seriously doubt writing about the Tennessee Titans is going to fix anything but let’s give it a shot.
I can’t believe I’m starting this process with arguably the single most boring team in the entire league. I think we all know what to expect from the Tennessee Derick Henry’s at this point. It’s going to be a lot of half back dives and a lot of play-action post routes. Mike Vrabel will continue to risk the safety of his genitalia in hopes of a Super Bowl victory. Can’t say I’d be willing to make that deal myself but another few years of heartbreaking playoff losses in Dallas and I might have a change of heart.
I did just remember that the Titans drafted Will Levis this year. Personally, I think he’s an absolute bum so there shouldn’t exactly be high expectations. However, I don’t know how much longer Titans fans will be able to tolerate Ryan Tannehill being perfectly average. I can tell you from personal experience, that perfectly average only gets you so far. Eventually they’ll want to move on to bigger and better things. Will this be the season they finally buy a bigger dildo?
I also don’t think we can expect much from the Titan’s defense in 2023. They have two studs in Big Jeff Simmons and Kevin Byard, but they’re weak in the middle. I don’t know if they’ll ever recover from letting go of former All-Pro Will Compton. Guys of that caliber don’t come around often, huge mistake by the front office letting that defensive weapon walk out the door.
The Titans do have a good shot to win the division on account of every other team being complete dogshit. Honestly the rest of the AFC South would be borderline competitive in the XFL. Tennessee could win the division on coaching alone. I don’t think the other AFC South coaches would cut their dick off for a couple victories. Clearly they don’t want it bad enough. I will officially be watching 0 Titans games this season, but it’s time to make a final prediction.
2023 Record: 9-8
2nd Place in AFC South
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Do the Cowboys Have the Next Aaron Donald?
Boy oh boy, I’ve seen some spectacular things in my life. Probably at #1 on that list, is new Dallas Cowboy and future NFL Hall of Famer, Mazi Smith breaking MichiGAIN’s machines in the weight room.
I had heard rumblings of this story before the draft, but this tweet really caught my eye. “Next Aaron Donald…”?I What! For the rest of the NFL’s sake, they better hope it ain’t true! Imagine pairing Lawrence Taylor and Aaron Donald on the same defense. That’s essentially what we have with Micah Parsons and now Mazi Smith. The #HotBoyz just got a little #hotter. This defense has a real chance to be aMAZIng. Boom
Will he be the anchor to a super bowl defense? Only time will tell. There are 71 days left until the NFL season kicks off, and boy oh boy I cannot wait. God only knows how many machines Mazi can break in the Cowboy’s facility in that timespan. I imagine he’s like the Hulk, just getting madder and stronger every single day until we’re all dead. Or at least until the Eagles are. Let’s also not forget the firepower we’ll have on offense with Travis Kelce 2.0 aka Jake Ferguson poised for a breakout year. I plan on doing a full Cowboys season outlook, so I’ll break down what we have in store then. Watch the FUCK out, NFL…
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Predicting Every OU Football Game in 2023
The dead season is really starting to get to me. We are 66 days out until the first OU football game of 2023. I’m trying to enjoy life and not rush the summer but God DAMNIT a brother is starving (sports wise, not horny wise). I miss football so much, and I’ve been going through serious withdrawals since the NBA ended. I know exactly how crack addicts feel- this shit is fucking terrible. I’m breaking out in hives everywhere and jump-scaring strangers in the dark alleys of highly populated neighborhoods. I’m tempted to actually pick up smoking crack as a way to pass the time. Just 66 more days. If it was 67 I’d already be browsing for pipes online. Let’s see if predicting every OU game this upcoming season is going to make the pain subside (or potentially make it worse).
Arkansas St. @ OU
- Let me start out by saying I think OU is an 8-4 team with a 10 win ceiling. We lost a lot of 1 score games last year, so hopefully we can catch the good luck side of that a few times this year. That being said, we are going to beat the everliving shit out of Arkansas St. These non-con games where all power 5 schools play a high-school week 1 is really lame and makes for boring football, but at least it’s something to kick the itch. If OU ever loses a game like this then just give us the fucking death penalty.
SMU @ OU
- This game could be a little interesting. The Ponies went 7-6 last year, so a very similar season to us. However, they do play in the American Conference so each win should really only count for half. Still, we can’t take this game lightly. We want to avoid a 2016 OU vs. Houston type situation.. I’ve heard the new QB has got some talent so BV better have the boys ready to go in Norman. I’m predicting a solid W.
OU @ Tulsa
- Nothing like a little in-state road test to get the juices flowing. The boys in Tulsa went 5-7 in 2022, and they’re far from a great program to begin with. If we were to lose this game it probably would cast a shadow over the 2023 season pretty early on. Even when we sucked ass last year, we still went 3-0 in non-con, so I’m expecting at least that this year. The Big 12 gaunlet is where I’ll have a couple days shaved off my life. The Sooners start out 3-0.
OU @ Cincinnati
- Poor Cincinnati. I just experienced a season right after a great coach leaves, so I’m not expecting these guys to be in tip top shape this year. They’ll also be trotting out Emory Jones at QB, and as a casual Florida supporter, that idea doesn’t scare me too much. Still, this is a serious road test against a Big 12 newcomer early in the season. This game is going to be a coin flip in my eyes. Due to it being early and on the road, I ‘ll give the Sooners an L here just for arguments sake. In my heart I feel like we can win this game but I’m doing what most humans can’t, and I’m taking bias out of the equation. I won’t apologize for being better than you. 3-1 now.
Iowa State @ OU
- Iowa St. and Kansas St. have been the kryptonite that we just can’t fucking avoid. Even when we get one of these fucking teams at home we’re not safe. I don’t know if we just take them likely, or the up and down nature of college teams just strikes us at the wrong time every year. I’m never going to say I’m confident going into a matchup with one of those two teams, but we did beat them last year. Thank God we get them in the palace, because if we were in Ames I might be marking an L right here. I’m going to trust that we defend our home turf really well this season. Solid bounce back from the sad sad L the week before @ Cincy. 4-1 heading into OU/TX.
Oklahoma vs. Texas
- The best rivalry in college football. Every year, no matter what, either side can win this game. It’s the definition of 50/50. We’ve seen dogshit Texas teams give great OU teams a serious run for their money. The bad blood just spills in the Red River and everyone gets a cut. There’s nothing I’d love more than to avenge the horrendous loss we suffered last year. Before any Texas fans start talking shit, just remember that we didn’t have a QB last year and ran the wildcat with a TE 85% of the game. Imagine the overflow of excuses we’d get from TU fans if that ever happened to them. I’m still not convinced that mullet-boy is the savior for those cowards anyway. I’m literally going to flip a virutal coin on my computer right now to determine who I think will be wearing the golden hat this year. Fuck. It landed on Texas. My heart will always believe we can win this game, even if we’re 0-5. Regardless, the coin has spoken and the Sooners are now 4-2. Fuck Texas.
UCF @ OU
- Derrick Leblanc homecoming revenge game? For those who don’t know, a 4-star DL recruit from the 22′ class transferred to UCF recently before every playing a snap for OU. The rumors were spilling that he wasn’t built with #OUDNA and couldn’t handle Schmitty’s summer workouts. I don’t know the actual reason but that definitley makes the guys still in the locker room sound a whole lot tuffer. I refuse to let Leblanc waltz back in to Norman and leave AGAIN with a W. Sooners joust away the Golden Knights to move to 5-2.
OU @ Kansas
- Oklahoma will literally never lose to Kansas, at home or on the road. 6-2.
OU @ OSU
- The final Bedlam. Last year this was probably our best victory. OSU only beats OU about once every 7 years. They got us in 2021 (which really sucked) but of course they couldn’t come through last year, even when we were ass. I don’t care that this game is back in Stillwater, under the blackest sky on Earth. We are going to win this game like we always do. There’s just no way that Bedlam is going to conclude with a Sooner’s L. We’ve dominated this series since the very beginning, and we’ll dominate until the very end. Sooners go 7-2.
West Virginia @ OU
- At this point in the season, the Sooners have some real momentum. Will we cash in and ride the wave? Or crash burn causing an uptick in mental health patients in tornado valley? I’m going to edge away from mental health issues and say we ride that mf wave baby. I think we can end the season undefeated at home, which would be huge. I’ve never feared a mountaineer and I’m not gonna start now. We’re staring 8-2 down the barrel- and we’re not fucking blinking.
OU @ BYU
- Fuck, our weakness: Mormons. The only mascot I truly fear in the Big 12. I’ve witnessed the stormin Mormons first hand and they are truly terrifying. They get rowdy and loud in the most humane and respectful way possible. It makes me sick. Do you know how hard it is to get pissed at a crowd that won’t even curse at you? We receive all of the intimidation but can’t muster up the hate. They’ve truly put us in a spin cycle. No way OU wins this one on the road, and we drop to 8-3 ๐ฆ (lowkey we might win though)
TCU @ OU
- The final game of the season are the pathetic frauds from 2022. Even by this point in the season, the horny toads might still be in the ICU from the worldstar smackdown the entire country witnessed in the national championship a few months ago. Every TCU player secretly has the Georgia logo tramp stamped right on their ass. I have 100% confidence that they will not be anywhere NEAR as good this year and will return to the dusty-ass average program that they always are. They should have made like the French and surrendered during that game. The program might never recover.
By my count, the Sooners are going to finish 9-3 on the season. I’m usually pretty spot on with these things so we might as well just lock it down now. I will absolutley take 9-3, that’s some serious improvement from last year, and will only make our recruiting stronger. It’s convenient too because the Big 12 has a lot in common with Draymond Green this year: wide open. I’m hoping the 9-3 record I just set it stone is enough to get us in the title game. It sure would be nice to end our farewell tour on top where we belong. I don’t know if the nation can handle another purple on purple Big 12 Championship. Get the good ole boys back in there. 66 more days…
The Armchair Experts 